The One Habit That Changed Everything

For years, I was the kind of person who thrived on chaos—or at least, that’s what I told myself. My closet was an unsolvable geometry problem of asymmetrical hangers and shoes in mismatched pairs. My desk? A Jackson Pollock of unread mail, café receipts, and fancy pens I swore would make me more productive. Honestly, it was less “organized chaos” and more “Are you okay?” But somehow, my life operated on a precarious, albeit functional, axis of controlled disarray. That was, until my dating life derailed it.

It all came to a head during a date at a dimly lit, too-trendy-for-its-own-good cocktail bar in SoHo. I found myself across the table from a strikingly handsome architect whose cheekbones deserved their own exhibit. Halfway through his perfectly timed anecdote about an infinity pool he designed in Tulum, he paused and said, with the kind of low-key devastation only the British can master: “So, what’s your thing? What’s your non-negotiable?”

My first thought: cappuccinos before 10 AM. My second thought: don’t say that out loud. My third thought: wait, what even is my thing? I’m someone who curates her museum gift shop tote bags, but I couldn’t name one habit or value that defined me. It wasn’t just this date—I was floating through life with the diplomatic finesse of an art gallery receptionist, nodding and smiling without staking my claim to anything real. Apparently, my “thing” was... not having a thing.

It was time for a change.

Starting With Intent: A Daily Habit That Stuck

When we talk about habits, the conversation often veers into productivity traps, like waking at 5 AM to meditate in a field of lavender or cutting carbs with the zeal of a Gwyneth Paltrow cleanse. But, for me, it wasn’t about reinventing my life from scratch (who has the time?). It started much smaller, with one deceptively simple routine: journaling for five minutes every morning.

Before you click away rolling your eyes, hear me out. I know journaling can sound as cliché as quoting Rupi Kaur in your Instagram captions, but for the first time, I was giving myself that rarest of gifts: intentionality. Each morning, I sat at my kitchen table, pen in hand, and scrawled three things:
1. How I felt.
2. What I wanted from the day.
3. One thing I appreciated about myself.

No elaborate prompts, no pressure to write the next Pulitzer-winning memoir—just a quiet moment to reconnect with me. And you know what? It altered everything. Or, more specifically, it saved me—from indecision, from overcommitting to people who drained me, and yes, even from bad dates with infinity pool architects.

Why This One Habit Works

This daily ritual became more than a habit; it was a lifeline. Here’s what made it powerful:

1. Clarity Over Chaos

Journaling felt like untangling earbuds that had been in the bottom of my handbag for years. It turned the overwhelming thrum of “What do I even want?” into clear, actionable insights. For instance, did I actually want to spend my evening at that gallery opening with the guy texting me unsolicited photos of his French bulldog? Probably not.

2. Boundaries, Finally

Because journaling forced me to define my priorities every morning, I got better at saying “no” to things that didn’t align. It’s astonishing how many people you stop tolerating when you know your energy’s worth protecting. Whether it was politely ghosting (OK, fading out—let’s not make it sound noble) a situationship or skipping yet another dinner populated by Upper East Side socialites arguing about which organic salmon tastes better, I was no longer apologizing for valuing my time.

3. Self-Validation Is Underrated

This was the big one. For much of my life, I’d unconsciously pinned my validation on everyone else—dates, friends, or even likes on Instagram. But writing down one good thing about myself every day? My confidence spiked. I wasn’t waiting for someone else to tell me I was funny or smart or resilient; I told myself. And honestly? I started believing it.

The Spillover Effect: How It Transformed My Relationships

This one habit didn’t just reshape how I approached dating—it reframed my entire understanding of relationships. Here’s what happened when I consistently showed up for myself before showing up for anyone else:

  • Better Dates, Less Filler
    A funny thing happens when you finally learn to trust your gut: you stop entertaining nonsense. Whether I was ordering Negronis at a cocktail bar or picnicking in Central Park, I showed up knowing who I was, unapologetically. Dates stopped feeling like job interviews and started feeling like fun—real, uncomplicated fun.

  • Deeper Friendships
    When you’re intentional about your own needs, you can then bring that same energy into other relationships. I became better at showing up for my friends—no more canceling plans last minute, no more hiding behind vague “busy” excuses. I knew which connections deserved my energy, and I nurtured them accordingly. (Turns out, margaritas hit differently when shared with friends you actually like.)

  • The Audacity of Standards
    In relationships, journaling emboldened me to stop settling and start expecting reciprocity. Gone were the days of decoding vague texts or over-analyzing if my avocado toast photo was “too much” for a potential partner’s liking. My conversations, both romantic and platonic, became rooted in mutual respect. The big secret? That wasn’t intimidating—it was magnetic.

How to Start Your Own Habit (Without the Overwhelm)

If adding a daily habit sounds daunting, don’t worry—I promise this doesn’t require handcrafted stationery or a view of Tuscan vineyards (though I wouldn’t turn those down). Here’s how to start small:

  • Keep It Short
    Set a timer for three to five minutes. Writing doesn’t have to be a saga—often, one honest sentence is enough.

  • Use Prompts
    If a blank page paralyzes you, lean on simple prompts: What’s one thing I want today? or What’s one thing going well?

  • Be Imperfect
    No grammar-checking, no rewriting. Just write, messily and authentically. It’s not your English teacher’s red pen you’re trying to impress—it’s you.

  • Pair It With Coffee
    Or tea. Or, in my case, a desperately needed cappuccino. Attach the habit to something you already love, and it’ll become second nature faster than you think.

A Reminder for the Skeptical

I’m not promising that five minutes of journaling will land you your dream partner, mend your heartbreak, or transform you into the kind of person who loves morning Pilates (though you’re welcome to try). What I’m saying is that this little habit gave me what I had been missing—clarity, confidence, and the courage to take ownership of my life.

And the next time some swoon-worthy British architect asks what your “thing” is? Well, you’ll know.

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