The Art of Familiarity: Building Real Connections Without Losing Yourself

We’ve all been there. You’re sitting across from someone who’s smiling at you like they’re auditioning for a toothpaste commercial, and your brain is doing mental gymnastics trying to figure out: Do they like me? Am I being too nervous? Was it weird to tell them about that time I got a speeding ticket dressed as a banana? Whether it’s the start of something new or the continuation of something steady, the pressure to form real connections can feel like navigating a corn maze in the dark—a little thrilling, a little terrifying, and occasionally full of dead ends.

But here’s the thing: finding connection doesn’t mean you have to contort yourself into someone else’s ideal. It’s about figuring out how you’re bringing yourself—stumbles, quirks, and all—into the room. So, how do we do that? Let’s dig in.

Start Where You Are (Not Where You Think You Should Be)

It’s tempting to present the highlight reel of ourselves: our most dazzling stories, our cleverest insights, and maybe a fun fact about the time we almost met a Kardashian (keyword: almost). But real intimacy doesn’t grow out of perfection. It’s born out of vulnerability.

In my case, I spent most of my college years believing I needed to be flashy to impress people. Coming from a coal-mining family in West Virginia, I thought no one wanted to hear about my small-town life or my dad’s superstitious belief that every house needed a horseshoe nailed over the door. But you know what? The day I finally admitted I couldn’t dance at a party and confessed I’d accidentally ruined a high school prom by breaking the fog machine (that’s another story), I made a lifelong friend on the spot. Not because I dazzled but because I felt real.

Ask Yourself:
- Are you sharing something because you think it will make the other person like you—or because it reflects who you actually are?
- When was the last time you laughed at yourself? That story might just be your most engaging one yet.

Listen Like You’ve Got Nowhere Else to Be

You know that moment in a conversation when someone mentions their favorite song, and their face lights up like they just found $50 in their coat pocket? Pay attention to those moments. Most of us aren’t looking for someone who has all the answers—we’re looking for someone who makes us feel heard.

Growing up in West Virginia, I learned early that storytelling isn’t just about talking. It’s about knowing when to lean in and say, “Wait, what happened next?” My grandpa would spin yarns about black bears and outlaws, punctuated with long pauses for effect. A lot of us are rushing through those pauses in real life, eager to say our piece. But the magic of connection often lives in the spaces between sentences.

Here’s How to Make Listening an Art Form:
- Put the phone away, even if you’re tempted to peek at a message. Eye contact signals, You’ve got my undivided attention. - Repeat back part of what they said: “You mentioned you tried skiing once and hated it—what happened?”
- Treat their passions like treasure maps: If they geek out about restoring old cars or learning Greek mythology, follow their passion to the heart of who they are.

Don’t Confuse Common Interests with Compatibility

It’s easy to mistake a shared love of spicy margaritas or indie folk music for a soul-deep connection. And sure, it’s great to have things in common, but chemistry isn’t built on playlists. When I moved to Los Angeles, I got caught up trying to “fit into” people’s lifestyles—going to vegan brunches and practicing yoga, even though my idea of self-care was and still is a long walk in the woods. What I learned? Liking someone isn’t about blending in. It’s about holding who you are as steady as a rock, while letting someone else bring their own seasonings into the recipe.

Red Flags to Watch For:
- Are you reshaping yourself to match their preferences? There’s a big difference between catching a movie they’re into versus pretending you suddenly really get obscure Danish cinema.
- Are your conversations all surface-level? Shared interests are sweet, but when you’re compatible, it’s easier to dig past small talk and get into the real stuff—what you fear, what you hope for, and where you see your life heading.

Laugh. Seriously, Laugh.

Flirting, dating, or just deepening a long-term connection—it all gets easier (and more fun) if you stop taking the whole thing so seriously. As someone who learned a thing or two about humor in my West Virginia kitchen, where every meal turned into a roast session, I can tell you this: laughter is the shortest distance between two people.

On one early date, while still living in California, I tried to impress someone by talking about my master’s thesis. Big mistake. Halfway through, I tripped over my own words, knocked over a glass of water, and blurted, “Yep, you’re talking to a real professional over here.” That simple punchline saved the night. Why? Because being silly broke the tension and reminded us both that connection shouldn’t feel like a job interview—it should feel like coming up for air.

Keep This in Mind:
- Don’t be afraid to poke fun at yourself. People who laugh together tend to build trust faster.
- Share stories that make you smile—not just to impress someone but because joy is contagious.

Invest in the Long Game

Here’s a not-so-secret tip from someone who spent years chasing shiny first impressions: depth lasts longer than dazzle. When you meet someone—or even when you’re rekindling something within an existing relationship—ask yourself, Are we writing a short story, or are we building an epic novel together? Real connection takes patience. It grows in moments of honesty, consistency, and showing up for each other, even when it feels like an ordinary Tuesday.

I think back to my parents’ relationship—a love forged over checkered tablecloth dinners and mutual respect. My dad, a coal miner, never once complained when my mom stayed up past midnight sewing quilts after her shift at the mill. That wasn’t passion in the Hollywood sense, but it was love in its truest form: showing up, time and time again.

Signs You’re Investing Well:
- You’re not just excited about their “highlight reel”—you’re curious about the quiet parts of their days, too.
- You feel more like yourself around them, not less.

Parting Words to Take With You

Whether you’re at the start of a new connection or deepening one you’ve been nurturing for years, remember this: relationships aren’t built overnight. They’re like my mother’s blackberry cobbler—messy, slow to take shape, but worth every bit of effort because the result is rich and sustaining.

And don’t forget: you can love people and still love yourself fully. Whether you’re unpredictable like a Maine shoreline or grounded like Appalachian hills, one thing is true—being authentically you is your greatest asset in building connections that actually matter.

Now get out there, cut through the surface-level fluff, and see what kind of magic you can create. You’ve got this.