How I Learned to Love Myself

At 21, I thought self-love came in the form of staring at perfect lighting angles in carefully composed selfies or timing a Bumble message just right to seem witty but casual. (Newsflash: It didn’t.) By 27, I thought it might arrive in the form of a career breakthrough or the perfect rom-com-worthy meet-cute. (Spoiler: Also no.) Loving myself turned out to be less of a single grand leap and more like learning choreography for a dance—awkward and slow at first, but eventually natural enough to happen without thinking. Let me take you behind the scenes of my own messy but rewarding journey—complete with bloopers, costume changes, and a few lessons I wish I’d known earlier.

Act 1: The Baggage Claim

Let’s start with this: Loving yourself requires unpacking what you’ve been carrying, no matter how heavy or mismatched it looks when spilled onto the floor. For me, the most persistent piece of luggage came in the form of comparison. Growing up in Beverly Hills, it was basically a competitive sport. My childhood surrounded me with beautifully groomed people and Instagram-worthy lives before Instagram even existed. At any given moment, someone was prettier, smarter, richer—or their parents were producing the blockbuster you dragged yours to see on opening night.

But comparisons, I’ve learned, are like those toxic airport snacks—expensive and unsatisfying. The more I indulged, the hungrier I felt for validation. So, I started asking myself a question: What am I measuring myself against, anyway? Was it Natasha’s Chanel bag that I’d never be able to wear without spilling coffee on it? Or Carli’s influencer-level boyfriend who threw gallery openings she “curated”? Reclaiming my metric was one of the first steps toward self-love:

Ask yourself, “Who’s really holding the measuring stick?”
- Not the mirror. Mirrors are liars after that second glass of wine.
- Not Instagram. You’re too busy mentally filtering your own posts to notice that everyone else is doing the exact same thing.
- Not your ex, your seventh-grade bully, or even your super-organized friend group chat (you know, the one that uses bullet points to plan brunch).

Instead, I tried measuring myself against my own growth: Am I kinder than I was a year ago? Am I pursuing the things that actually make me happy, not just what looks good on a résumé or feeds well into a highlight reel?

Act 2: Becoming My Own Hollywood Script

Once I stopped viewing myself as a bit player in other people’s narratives, I realized it was time to write my own. Surprise, surprise—screenwriters spend way too much time imagining fictional arcs for imaginary people and not nearly enough figuring out their own. While working on one of my early film scripts, it hit me: I would NEVER let a protagonist settle for feeling undeserving of love or happiness. Why was I letting myself?

Pro-tip: Start rooting for yourself like you’d root for your favorite movie character.
- Allow yourself to be imperfect: Jennifer Lawrence tripping up the Oscars stairs is iconic because it’s real. Embrace a little sidestep now and then.
- Celebrate your wins—even the tiny ones: Finally responded to that email? Takeout sushi night. Survived a family dinner where zayde asked when you’ll be dating “a nice doctor”? Gold star.
- Choose your ensemble cast: Would Harry have made it without Ron, Hermione, or Hagrid? Maybe, but it wouldn’t have been fun to watch. Surround yourself with friends and mentors who cheer for your successes and bring snacks to your pity parties.

The key here is realizing you’re more than enough, exactly as you are. If Meryl Streep isn’t sitting around wondering whether the writers of Mamma Mia! made the right creative choices, why should you spend time doubting the direction of your own story?

Act 3: Learning the Art of "No"

When you’re a chronic people-pleaser—guilty as charged—saying “no” feels like an Olympic event requiring years of practice. My Shabbat dinners growing up taught me a lot about connection and community, but they also taught me to silently eat gefilte fish I didn’t like just because it seemed impolite not to. (Quick shoutout to Aunt Ruth’s seasoning-heavy upgrade—redemption came in the form of dill.)

Loving myself meant learning to wield “no” not just as a defense mechanism, but as an act of self-respect:
- Say no to relationships that feel one-sided. If they need a grand piano’s worth of effort and you’re stuck playing the triangle, it’s time to bow out of that duet.
- Say no to doing things just to keep the peace. Everyone skips Thanksgiving once in their early thirties, and no, Grandma Martha will not disown you for it.
- Say no to self-criticism that sounds like your worst enemy. Would you let your best friend call themselves a failure for accidentally liking their crush’s four-year-old post? Nope. Apply that kindness to yourself.

Ironically, saying no is how I made space for more yes—the fun kind, like spontaneous weekend trips or taking Zumba classes where I’m slightly offbeat but thoroughly joyful.

Act 4: Give Yourself Permission to Be Uncool

Real talk: Learning to love yourself isn’t always pretty, and it’s definitely not glamorous. For me, it was a one-time ugly cry in my car surrounded by the remnants of a McDonald’s drive-thru after bombing a pitch meeting. It was singing in the shower—badly—because why not? It was dancing alone in my living room like that scene in Risky Business (minus the sunglasses, because I always lose mine).

Uncool is underrated, my friends. Here’s why:
- It’s freeing: You stop spending hours curating versions of yourself to impress people who, spoiler alert, probably aren’t paying close attention anyway.
- It’s endearing: Some of the best moments in my relationships—romantic and otherwise—came from tripping up and laughing about it, together.
- It’s sustainable: At the end of the day, you’re the one who has to live with yourself 24/7. You may as well enjoy the company.

Go ahead—embrace the glittery, chaotic weirdness of you. Post the meme nobody else laughs at. Eat cereal for dinner without shame. Be the person who claps at the end of cheesy airplane rom-coms. There’s no such thing as cool when it comes to being authentic.

Epilogue: The Ongoing Love Story

Here’s the truth: Loving yourself isn’t one final destination. I still have days when the world feels too loud and my inner critic is hosting the Met Gala. But now, I know how to pull the plug on that event before it overwhelms me. I remind myself (and you!) of this: Nobody has it all together—even those polished influencers on TikTok eating colorful salads on gorgeous rooftops. Life, like love, is messy. And sometimes the best thing we can do is grab a fork, dig in, and savor it anyway.

So take a deep breath. Surround yourself with people who make your world brighter. Toss a metaphorical glitter bomb on the internet’s pressuring “steps to perfection.” Self-love isn’t about becoming someone others adore—it’s about liking the person who shows up in the mirror every day. Trust me, you’ll thank yourself later.