If My Life Were a Movie
Lights, camera, drama! If my life were a movie, it would be part independent film, part telenovela, and part quirky rom-com—equal parts spicy and heartwarming, just like the frijoles charros simmering in my abuela’s kitchen. You’d laugh, you’d cry, and at least once you’d clutch your chest and whisper, “Same.” But every hero needs a killer cast, right? So let me imagine the characters and their Hollywood counterparts. Grab your popcorn—extra butter, because we don’t do anything half-hearted around here—and let’s break down who’s playing whom in this life I’m living.
Opening Credits: The Protagonist (Me, Obviously)
Who’s Playing Ileana?
America Ferrera with a little side of Aubrey Plaza.
Why? Because America nails the girl-next-door-meets-leader vibe (thank you, Barbie) while Aubrey brings just the right amount of sarcastic edge. Growing up in Houston’s East End, balancing the loud, loving chaos of a Cuban-Mexican household with my own quiet ambitions wasn’t easy. I was the strange mix of bookish dreamer and amateur comedian, equal parts overachiever and awkward. My life’s soundtrack? A mashup of Marc Anthony ballads and flip phone ringtone bangers like “A Milli.” America and Aubrey could tap into both sides of that coin—America for the big heart, Aubrey for the dry one-liners.
Visualize this: A scene where young Ileana, wearing her homemade quinceañera crown (made of foil and big dreams), writes her first piece for the high school newspaper. The song playing? Probably Selena’s “Bidi Bidi Bom Bom,” because the confidence of writing is always laced with a bit of rhythm in my world.
The Supporting Cast: Family Chaos, But Make It Iconic
My Mom: This role requires someone who can cook a full meal for 30 people whilst chewing you out for not calling her enough. Enter Salma Hayek. She’s gorgeous, intimidating, and fiercely protective. In one scene, she’s wagging a wooden spoon at me for forgetting to buy the cilantro for the arroz con pollo. In the next, she’s singing along loudly to “La Vida Es Un Carnaval,” wine glass in hand, tears in her eyes, reminding me that life isn’t always serious.
My Dad: Quiet, steady, but funny in the way only dads are—you laugh not because the jokes are good, but because they’re uniquely his. I’m casting Gael García Bernal because he has the warmth to pull off my dad's understated sweetness. This is the guy who, upon hearing I wanted to become a writer, simply handed me one of his old notebooks and said, “Write something beautiful—just remember to spell things correctly.”
My Abuela: We’re bringing in Rita Moreno for this one. Nobody else could serve the combination of eternal ‘80s glam, a no-nonsense attitude, and endless wisdom wrapped up in Catholic guilt. Picture her pushing tamales into your hands while muttering sage advice like, “Trust is like masa, mija. It’s soft, easy to mold, but don’t let it spoil.”
Meet the Love Interests: A Rom-Com (With A Little Drama)
The “Almost, But Not Quite”: The Guy Who Was All Potential, No Follow-Through
We all have that one person, right? The one who looked like the lead of a romance but left early to star in someone else’s sequel. This role goes to Diego Luna, not just because he’s devastatingly charming, but because sometimes charm is all they bring to the table.
Cue the montage of late-night Whataburger runs and endless, meandering conversations that never go anywhere. He’s full of excuses but also knows exactly how to make you laugh when you’re mad at him. Ultimately, though, you realize you deserve the fajita dinner, not just the chips and salsa. Exit Diego, stage left.
The “Lifetime Achievement”: My Future Partner (Still TBD)
This requires a casting “To Be Announced,” because it’s still an open audition. But let’s set the tone: I’m imagining someone like Oscar Isaac, someone who makes loving look effortless without losing the playfulness. If there’s a scene where we’re arguing, it’s over the proper way to fold towels (me: in thirds, they: recklessly) but resolved with laughter and over-the-top reconciliatory grand gestures. Bonus points if he can dance, sing, or quote The Office on demand.
The Soundtrack: Songs That Tell the Story
- “Mi Gente” by J Balvin and Willy William – For those family barbecues where every tia is dancing, laughing, and reminding you how much weight you’ve gained since last summer.
- “Home” by Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros – For those quiet moments when I realize how deeply connected I am to Houston, even during my college semester in Madrid, daydreaming about home.
- “Juicy” by The Notorious B.I.G. – For that first time my name was published in bold, ink-black letters. “I made it, ma!”
Key Scene: Dating in the Age of Chaos
Imagine a quick-cut montage of dates that range from mediocre (“I cultivate succulents as a metaphor for healing” guy) to hilariously bad (the guy who sneezed into his burger mid-date and said nothing). My movie’s message? That love doesn’t look perfect and polished. Instead, it’s spilled drinks, slightly sweaty palms, and laughter that escapes when it’s least convenient.
In one standout scene, me—played by America/Aubrey—is sitting across from Diego Luna-type at a coffee shop. The coffee’s lukewarm, the conversation’s mediocre but salvageable. I interrupt him mid-story to tell him there’s spinach in his teeth. It’s awkward, but honest, and maybe that moment’s what sparks an actual connection. (Don’t get too excited; it still doesn’t work out, but hey, good dialogue!)
The Lesson: Bringing It All Together
I imagine this movie ending where so many movies begin—or where people think they should begin—with the realization that no, you don’t have to have it all figured out. Life’s not about being polished and picture-perfect; it’s about those gritty, sometimes chaotic, always authentic moments. It’s about carving out your path, whether that means falling in love, falling out of love, or falling on your face (figuratively, but also occasionally literally—Houston sidewalks are a challenge).
As the credits roll, I’m envisioning America-as-Ileana sitting on a porch in Houston, journal in hand, a plate of pan dulce next to her, and the city lights twinkling in the background. The voiceover, hers but also mine, says something like: “Bienvenidos to the journey. It’s messy, but it’s mine.”
End scene. Say it with me: Oscars incoming.
