Islands Aren’t Always Paradise: The Hunt for Belonging
I grew up surrounded by a literal ocean of people… who all seemed to know exactly which dock they belonged to. Nantucket, for all its postcard-perfect sunsets and weathered cedar shingles, is a small town wrapped inside an even smaller island. Everyone seemed to have their place, their people—not just family, but tribes they fit into like puzzle pieces. For a sensitive kid with a knack for writing elaborate pirate stories (and more than one seagull-related mishap on the school playground), finding my “people” felt like a treasure hunt where the map was written in a language no one could translate.
Fast forward to my twenties, living in Boston, and I was still shipwrecked when it came to finding a crew. Sure, it’s one thing to bemoan a lack of community on a 48-square-mile island. But if you’re lonely on the mainland—starbucks-on-every-corner Boston—it starts to feel personal. Luckily, life has a funny way of sending you exactly what you need, just when you’ve said, “Well, that’s enough, I’ll just get a cat.” Spoiler: No cat was ever adopted (though I did consider naming one Ishmael). Instead, I learned some surprising lessons about where to look for your people—and I’ll share those here.
Lesson One: You’re Not a Lighthouse—Stop Waiting to Be Found
Lighthouses: romantic, iconic… and totally inactive when it comes to forming relationships. Yet for years, I thought belonging just happened. Shouldn’t it appear organically, like in sitcoms where the weary protagonist stumbles into the right coffee shop that instantly becomes their Cheers?
I hate to break this to you, but actual Cheers moments are rare. Have you ever walked into a diner at 2 a.m., made eye contact with the only other awake person in the room, and suddenly bonded for life? No? Me neither. Waiting idly for a community to “just happen” is about as effective as Googling “meet best friends near me.”
What changed for me was embracing intentionality. In Boston, I joined a local historical fiction writing group. I wasn’t sure anything would come of it, but at least it was related to something I loved. Within a few months, I wasn’t just discussing the finer points of creating believable 18th-century dialogue—I’d found a clutch of fellow creative misfits who doubled as my personal band of cheerleaders.
Lesson Two: Shared Interests Are Just the Beginning
Here’s a hard truth—commonalities are like breadcrumbs. They’ll lead you to people, but they’re rarely the whole loaf. What really matters is how you feel around them. Do these people celebrate you, quirks and all? A shared favorite TV show (I see you, “Outlander” fans) or mutual love for baking doesn’t mean someone will frame your worst drafts as “raw genius” or hand you tissues after a rough breakup. Connection isn’t just about having things in common; it’s about emotional support.
Take Kate, a fellow member of the writing group. She wasn’t the most knowledgeable historian—she once confused a whaler’s harpoon with a musket—but Kate was the first to rally around me when I published a series of maritime essays, proclaiming loudly (and mostly incorrectly) at a bookstore event, “He’s basically the next Melville!” That kind of enthusiasm? That’s how you know you’ve found your people.
Lesson Three: Seeking Isn’t Clingy—It’s Courageous
There’s a fear that seeking people out is “desperate.” Trust me, as a former wallflower, I get this. But I want to change the narrative here. Making the conscious decision to widen your social world—and taking actual steps to do so—is one of the most human, brave things you can do.
I’ll never forget the time I visited Scotland during my college years. Edinburgh’s mist-drenched cobblestone streets felt both familiar and a little isolating—a poetic reflection of what it’s like to live in a new city. I found myself scrolling endlessly through campus clubs and societies, trying to work up the nerve to message strangers. Eventually, I signed up for a medieval fencing club. Not because I was particularly interested in sword fighting, but because something about stepping outside my comfort zone seemed appealing.
Turns out, I wasn’t half bad with a broadsword, and I made a few friends who later showed me how to mix the perfect hot toddy during Scotland’s endless dreary winters. My point? Saying “yes” to something—even if it scares you a little—is the first step toward building connections.
Lesson Four: Relationships Evolve—And That’s Okay
One of the hidden pressures we all face is the idea that relationships, once formed, are static. You meet someone, you click, and boom: that’s it, locked into Best Friend Forever destiny. Except… life happens. Geography happens. Priorities evolve.
When I returned to Nantucket after my years away, I found that many of the people I grew up with were still around—but we no longer fit in quite the same ways. This wasn’t a bad thing. In fact, it taught me that community isn’t one-size-fits-all or a single, unchanging entity. Some people are your anchors, steady no matter what; others might drift out to sea.
What I realized after some awkward coffee “reunions” (and at least one deep dive into Instagram nostalgia) is that you don’t have to cling to relationships that don’t fit anymore. Let go with gratitude—and focus on cultivating those connections that move with you, naturally, into your present.
Actionable Tips for Finding Your People
If you’re on your own “treasure hunt,” here are a few practical tips to help you along the way:
- Follow Your Passions: Think about what lights you up—whether it’s photography, knitting, or trying every taco truck in town—and seek out like-minded folks. Pursuit of a shared joy often leads to deep, authentic connections.
- Be Open to Unlikely Matches: Your tribe might not look the way you’d envisioned. Someone who loves spreadsheets and dislikes your favorite movie could still be the most supportive friend you’ve ever had.
- Volunteer: Few things bring people together like pursuing a shared cause. It’s a great way to bond while doing something valuable for your community.
- Host Something Yourself: Start a book club, a monthly trivia night, or even a baking swap. Creating spaces for people to come together can be incredibly empowering. Plus, everyone loves cupcakes.
- Look Beyond the Obvious: Work friends, gym acquaintances, or even your overly chatty neighbor might surprise you. Don’t write people off too quickly—they might just be the shipmates you’ve been waiting for.
Final Words from This Wandering Islander
If finding your people sometimes feels impossible, let me assure you it’s not. Sure, it might not happen overnight, or even within a year. Like so many things in life, building meaningful connections takes patience, effort, and a willingness to try (and maybe fail) a few times along the way.
But when you finally find your crew? It’s worth every awkward meetup, every disappointing coffee date, and every fencing club sign-up. We’re not meant to navigate life alone. So take a deep breath, steel yourself, and put yourself out there. The sea is wide. Your people are waiting.
