Let’s get one thing straight: if my life were a movie, it would not be a blockbuster. Forget explosions or dramatic courtroom showdowns. Instead, think meandering indie movie vibes, the kind with heavy coastal landscapes, existential monologues, and a killer acoustic soundtrack. You know, the sort of film critics hail as “luminous” and “achingly personal,” but your one friend who’s really into Marvel movies calls “boring”—and yet, it wins Sundance.
A girl can dream, right?
Pull up a metaphorical beach chair; I’m about to cast my hypothetical biopic. Spoiler alert: it’ll be heavy on stolen glances, missed connections, and a wave or two of charming romantic chaos. Bonus points if someone learns a life lesson while tide-pooling.
Starring: Me, But Better
I’ve thought about this way more than I care to admit, and I’ve landed on Elizabeth Olsen to play me. Hear me out: she’s effortlessly relatable, but there’s an understated magic in the way she carries herself. Plus, her coastal chic vibe in Marvel-Adjacent WandaVision Suburbia just speaks to my southern California soul.
Elizabeth and I would share the screen with sweeping shots of oceanic brooding. Picture her (okay, me) standing barefoot on wet sand, staring out at the horizon and contemplating major life questions like, “Do I order tacos or poke for lunch?” The camera would linger just long enough to foreshadow some upcoming tidal wave of emotional growth.
But, of course, viewers would need a good laugh amid the melodrama. Enter: my undignified klutzy moments. (Falling off my surfboard into the La Jolla break? Oh, it’s in there.) There’s a power in laughing at yourself, whether it’s on-screen or IRL, and frankly, Elizabeth Olsen deserves the chance to rock that saltwater-soaked, hair-stuck-to-face glamour. I’ve lived it. It’s iconic.
The Supporting Cast: A Hotbed of Character Tropes
Let’s talk about my hypothetical on-screen sidekicks—the colorful, endearingly complicated people this movie absolutely needs to have. Every great story thrives on its ensemble, and my film is no exception. In the spirit of truth-telling (and a little self-deprecation), here they are.
The Adventurous Best Friend
Played by: Aubrey Plaza.
Why? Because no one does dry humor and chaotic brilliance like her. She’s the friend who suggests climbing a random coastal cliff at golden hour, only to make sarcastic commentary about our subpar hiking shoes the entire way up. She’d steal scenes and make you wonder if she should’ve been the lead. (The answer: probably, yeah.)
In real life, this character springs from my Hawaiian summer internship, when my “Aubrey-esque” buddy convinced me to try snorkeling near a reef shark sighting because “YOLO.” Did it feel brave and transformative? Sure. Would I cast someone else to embody that daring energy? Nope.
The Predictably Wise Mentor
Played by: Meryl Streep, obviously.
Naturally, we need Meryl to round this out. She’d portray a version of my mom who’s even more polished than the real deal (sorry, Mom). Picture her dispensing heartfelt advice like, “The ocean doesn’t ask where it’s going; why should you?” while dissecting algae samples at her research lab. Poetic, poignant—and safe to say cue life advice montage.
Also, I assume we’d sneak in a dramatic mother-daughter debate about whether love is like the ebb and flow of the tides or more like, say, tectonic shifts. Riveting.
Love Interest: Casting the Core Romantic Conflict
Ladies and gentlemen, it’s time to address the love story arc—and, oh boy, will it be complicated. My life hasn’t been a string of meet-cutes and moonlit kisses, but the romance in this hypothetical film would still be earnest. Cue Ryan Gosling as my awkward, well-meaning partner in all things adorable-but-frustrating.
Why Ryan? He’s great at playing slightly tortured, artsy guys who also know how to make a killer breakfast. (Need an example? Watch The Notebook. Ignore your pride. Sob anyway.) In this movie, our characters meet during an ill-fated tidepool cleanup event: I pick up washed-up flip-flops; he retrieves a barnacle-adorned wine bottle—classic rom-com chaos. At some point, we argue over the ethics of eating invasive kelp crabs. It’s fine. Love triumphs.
That said, it wouldn’t be a great indie film without some inevitable tension. Maybe I avoid calling back because I’m “focused on my career” (read: creatively spiraling), prompting beachside heart-to-hearts where sand is thrown but feelings are salvaged. Come on, it’s Gosling. The audience eats this up, guaranteed.
The Setting: A Coastal Dreamworld
Every movie relies on its setting to tell the story, and mine would be no exception. The La Jolla coastline would deserve its own shout-out during the credits because chef’s kiss, it’s cinematic gold. Picture sprawling aerial shots of surfers catching waves, seagulls sneaking fries from tourists’ hands, and glorious sunsets painting the cliffs in shades of a Nicholas Sparks cliché.
But here’s the real kicker: this backdrop isn’t just eye candy—it’s an ongoing metaphor about life’s rhythm. Because if there’s one thing I learned growing up here, it’s that the tide always changes. Sometimes it sweeps treasures your way; other times, it takes them back. The lesson? Life isn’t about fighting the current; it’s about learning to move with it. (Yes, this is the kind of wisdom we’d work into the script.)
The Soundtrack: Sunsets, Six Strings, and Feel-Good Vibes
No life-turned-movie would be complete without an excellent soundtrack, and mine would be a laid-back mix that leans hard into West Coast nostalgia.
- Jack Johnson’s “Better Together” for sunrise coffee scenes: Because me contemplating life while holding a sea turtle mug needs acoustic guitar accompaniment.
- Fleetwood Mac’s “Landslide” during climactic emotional breaks: Do we even need to explain this one? Stevie Nicks has been through it.
- Local Natives for surf montages and literally everything else: They get coastal coolness like no other band. Plus, I imagine their harmonies flowing perfectly with overhead beach drone shots.
We’d end with a Bon Iver cover of something obscure but achingly beautiful for the credits. Walk out of the theater with tears and saltwater vibes—that’s the goal.
Final Scene: Rolling the Credits
Ultimately, if my life were a movie, it wouldn’t be about high-stakes drama or sweeping plots. It would be a slow-burning love letter to the small but significant connections we make—to people, to places, and to ourselves. Life, like the ocean, has a funny way of pulling us in and pushing us back, leaving us with flecks of sand, an occasional bruise, and maybe even a seashell to hold onto.
So, what’s the takeaway? Maybe it’s this: No matter who you’d cast in the movie of your life, make sure the main character gets a few scenes to laugh at herself. After all, it’s not about perfection—it’s about showing up, getting real (even when it’s messy), and letting the tide carry you someplace unexpected.
