"You have to love yourself before anyone else can." We've all heard this wisdom in some form, right? It’s the Hallmark card of personal growth advice, deceptively simple and maddeningly abstract, like trying to assemble IKEA furniture while missing half the instructions. For me, learning to love myself was less a magical epiphany and more a slow hike—complete with blisters, sweat, and way too many snacks.

Here’s the thing: I didn’t start off hating myself. I wasn’t skulking around Boulder in a trench coat muttering about my inadequacies. No, I was just... indifferent. I had this vague sense that I was kind of fine but also probably not living up to my full potential. In hindsight, I might as well have been ghosting myself. I’d ignore the parts of me that needed care in favor of distractions: work projects, hiking trips, or spiraling over whether I should start composting in an apartment with no yard. (Spoiler: I shouldn’t have.)

But self-love? That idea didn’t gel for me until I started seeing it like planting a garden: it’s messy, personal, and sometimes you’ll feel like you have no idea what’s supposed to bloom. Here's how I learned to wield the metaphorical trowel and tend to my overgrown mental greenhouse—and how you can start your own patch of self-acceptance too.

1. Start with the Soil: Where Are You Right Now?

Every garden needs good dirt. Unfortunately, mine was rocky, metaphorically and literally. After graduating college, I threw myself into environmental work, thinking if I just saved enough wetlands, maybe I’d finally "earn" my self-worth. I was so focused on giving back to the Earth (and, honestly, looking cool in Patagonia gear) that I stopped evaluating what I actually needed.

So, step one: get out your mental shovel and take stock of what you're working with. Are you growing your sense of self while knee-deep in burnout? Nurturing bad habits along with your houseplants? For me, realizing I was using career ambition as a poorly-hidden Band-Aid helped me pause and breathe. If you’re burying your self-acceptance under endless responsibilities or comparisons, it’s time to unearth that.

Pro Tip:

  • Grab a journal or the Notes app on your phone. Write down three things you're proud of and three things you want to improve. Not goals, just observation. This isn't a productivity hack; it's an invitation to look in the mirror.

2. Pull the Weeds: Confront the Critic in Your Head

OK, we need to talk about the voice. You know the one—that relentless critic narrating your every cringe-worthy decision like it’s awards-season Oscar bait. Mine loves to remind me of the time I faceplanted during sophomore outdoor ed orientation, right in front of my high school crush. (Yes, Kevin, I still think about it. No, I don’t need your input via brain replay at 2 a.m.)

For years, I thought this voice was keeping me "humble." It wasn’t. Turns out, being hypercritical doesn’t turn you into some enlightened monk. It just makes you hyper-anxious. Learning to love myself meant figuring out how to stop watering those toxic weeds and start planting kindness instead.

Quick Exercise:

  • When a critical thought pops up, pretend it’s coming from an offbeat nature documentary narrator. Something like: “Oh dear, the wild human assumes everyone hates them because no one texted back in 30 minutes. How tragic! Let’s zoom in.” It’s hard to take these mental diversions seriously with David Attenborough narrating.

3. Tend Your Own Garden: Stop Comparing Yards

Growing up in Boulder, it’s easy to get stuck in "comparison mode." Everyone seems to have the perfect tan, the perfect relationship, and a dog that looks like it stepped out of an REI catalog. This same pattern cropped up when I moved to Seattle during my fellowship. Suddenly, I was comparing my kale salads to my coworker’s turmeric cauliflower bowls and wondering why I didn’t own waterproof boots that didn’t squeak.

Comparisons are poison ivy for self-love—itchy, invasive, and hard to shake. Loving myself required learning to fence off my personal space and stop hopping over into someone else’s proverbial yard. My path is mine, and yours is yours. Repeat after me: just because Lisa from work is training for her second ultramarathon doesn’t mean you need to do anything except cheer her on. (Love you, Lisa.)

Tips to Break Out of the Comparison Trap:

  • Unfollow Instagram accounts that feel like a guilt trip disguised as #aspirational.
  • Celebrate small wins: you don’t need a grand triumph to deserve an emotional fist bump. Did you go for a walk? Remember to eat breakfast? That counts!

4. Embrace the Wildflowers: The Beauty of Being You

Here’s where I think a lot of advice about self-love goes sideways: it frames "improving yourself" like you’re a fixer-upper house with bad wiring. But you’re not a project, my friend. You’re a patch of wildflowers—messy, colorful, and way more beautiful because of the imperfections.

I used to think that self-acceptance meant fixing my flaws. Be more productive! Meditate every day! Stop eating pizza while standing over the sink! Eventually, I realized that I could love myself now, quirks and all. Do I sometimes talk too much about trail preservation on first dates? Sure. Do I get grossly territorial about my favorite hiking snacks? Absolutely. Loving myself meant letting those things bloom right alongside my strengths.

Try This:

  • Take five minutes to name something about yourself that isn't traditionally "perfect" but still makes you, you. Maybe it’s your terrible taste in rom-coms or your inability to keep succulents alive. Own it. Brag about it if you want.

5. Keep Tending: Self-Love Is a Perennial

The biggest myth about self-love? That you'll wake up one day and have it all figured out. (Spoiler: you won’t.) Loving myself isn’t a finish line—it’s a daily practice, one small decision at a time. Some days, I feel like a flourishing meadow. Other days, I’m a pile of dirt with some sad parsley sprigs. Both are OK.

When I started this journey, I thought it would end with me striding around like some kind of Zen guru, full of affirmations and radiant confidence. In reality, it’s subtler. Self-love for me looks like forgiving the parts of myself I’m still working on, leaning into the joy of little victories, and trusting that even on the days I feel stuck, growth is happening below the surface.

Loving yourself isn’t easy, but I promise it’s worth it. Every awkward journal entry, every moment of wrestling with your inner critic, every time you choose to believe you’re enough—it all adds up. You won't get it perfect, but here's the secret: you don't have to. Just start planting. Before you know it, you’ll have a garden you’re proud to call your own. And believe me, it’s going to be worth the hike.