How I Learned to Love Myself
Growing up, my abuela used to tell me, “If you don’t love yourself, who else is going to?” She’d say it casually, while flipping croquetas on the stove, as if the secret to self-love could be found somewhere in the sizzling oil. The problem was, I didn’t know where to start. Love myself? Like, my whole self? Even the parts that forgot Spanish verb conjugations mid-sentence or felt too loud and “extra” in a room full of quieter people? For years, it felt like her advice was more like a riddle I couldn’t figure out.
But somewhere between heartbreaks, bad haircuts, and one particularly messy karaoke night (long story, don’t ask), I started to uncover what it really meant to love myself—and that it’s a lot like learning to dance salsa. You’re going to step on your own toes, look awkward in the mirrors, and occasionally forget the rhythm. But that’s okay. You keep showing up until it starts to feel natural. So, grab an imaginary partner (yourself!) and let’s break this down.
Step One: Adiós to Perfectionism
The first step in self-love is realizing you're never going to be perfect—at anything. Growing up in a Cuban household, “doing your best” could sometimes feel like code for “you better knock it out of the park.” If I brought home a 94 on a test, my mom’s first question would be, “What happened to the other six points?” (Classic.) For years, I equated love with being flawless. Spoiler alert: It’s exhausting.
Eventually, I had to learn that loving myself didn’t mean achieving some gold-standard version of me. It meant being okay with who I was, even on a bad day. One of those lightbulb moments came after a grueling gym session, when I looked in the mirror and thought, “Oh my God. I look like a sweaty tamale.” Instead of cringing, though, I laughed—and maybe for the first time, I thought, "Sweaty tamale and all… I’m kind of cute." That was a huge win.
Pro Tip: Start with small mantras—I’m enough just as I am. I don’t have to do it all. My worth isn’t tied to my productivity. Sure, you might feel cheesy at first, but trust me, it’s avocado-level good for you.
Step Two: Date Yourself First
Here’s an underrated life skill: taking yourself on dates. We spend so much time trying to impress other people, but when’s the last time you wooed yourself? My first “solo date” was unintentional. I’d been ghosted (ugh), and I was too embarrassed to eat my dinner reservation alone—so I got it to-go and sulked in my car. When I tasted my first bite of arroz imperial (a chicken-and-rice dish that tastes like a bear hug), I thought, “Why did I think I needed someone else for this to be enjoyable?” That was the turning point.
The next week, I went to a museum—alone on purpose this time—and loved every second of wandering at my own pace, stifling laughs at the weird modern art sculptures. It was empowering to realize I didn’t need an “other half” to have fun. I already had me.
Pro Tip: Pick one solo activity a week—whether it’s a movie night, a coffee date, or grocery shopping for your favorite type of cheese. Show yourself you’re worthy of time, effort, and attention.
Step Three: Unfollow What Hurts
If self-love were a telenovela, social media would often play the villain. Let me paint you a picture: It’s 10 p.m., you’re scrolling through endless photos of your high school frenemy’s picture-perfect beach vacation, and suddenly you’re spiraling. Why don't I have abs like that? When’s the last time I even went to a beach? Is her sand glowier than mine??
One of the best things I ever did for my mental health was to aggressively curate my feed. I unfollowed influencers who made me feel bad about myself, muted accounts that drained my energy, and filled my timeline with funny memes, recipes, and the occasional motivational quote.
Pro Tip: If it stresses you out, let it go. Think of social media as your living room. Only allow accounts that bring joy to the party.
Step Four: Learn to Say “No” (Politely… Or Not)
Raise your hand if you’re a recovering people-pleaser (I see you). For years, I thought saying “yes” to everyone and everything was a sign of kindness. Turns out, it was just a fast pass to burnout.
Learning to say “no” wasn’t just healthy—it was revolutionary. At first, it was uncomfortable. Saying no to helping people move, to attending yet another distant cousin’s baby shower (love you, but no), to overcommitting at work—each felt like a betrayal. But when I prioritized my own needs, it was like I’d finally given myself permission to exist for me, not just other people.
Pro Tip: Practice saying no in low-stakes scenarios. Try, “Thanks, but I can’t this time” or “Not today, but keep me in mind for the future.” Then work up to the bigger “nos.”
Step Five: Celebrate the Little Wins
For the longest time, I only allowed myself to celebrate the “big” things. Graduating college? Yes. Landing my first writing gig? Absolutely. But buying my first pan set to replace my sad IKEA hand-me-downs? Meh, not worthy of a parade.
Here’s the thing: loving yourself isn’t about waiting until you’ve “made it” to throw the confetti. It’s about dancing to Marc Anthony in the kitchen on a Wednesday night because you’re alive. It’s about calling it a win when you made your bed, hydrated, or didn’t hit “reply all” on a work email disaster (we’ve all been there). Every small thing you do for yourself is worth celebrating.
Pro Tip: Keep a “wins” journal. Jot down one thing you accomplished each day, no matter how tiny. Warning: You might actually start feeling proud of yourself.
The Grand Finale: You’re an Ongoing Process
Look, I won’t pretend I’ve unlocked some golden treasure chest of self-love. There are still days I can’t stand the way my hair frizzes in Miami humidity or wish I was better at setting boundaries. But the difference now? I know that self-love isn’t a destination; it’s a relationship. Like any good romance, you’ve got to work on it, forgive yourself, and learn your own love language.
So here’s your takeaway: You’re worthy of your own love, flaws and all. Lean into the awkward salsa lessons, laugh at the sweaty tamale moments, and keep showing up for yourself. Because abuela was right—if you don’t love yourself first, how can you expect anyone else to?
Now, go on and ask your reflection to dance. You deserve it.
