You know those moments when life taps you gently on the shoulder and whispers, “This isn’t it,” but you ignore it? Then, instead of a tap, life whacks you upside the head with a frying pan? Yeah, I’ve been there. In dating and relationships, it’s easy to think, “I can figure this out on my own,” only to later realize that a little foresight might’ve saved you from emotional turbulence—or at least taught you how not to respond to situations with the grace of a soggy tortilla.

Here are the lessons I wish I’d known earlier, packaged neatly for you so maybe, just maybe, you can bypass the frying-pan stage.

1. You Will Not Be Everyone’s Favorite Flavor—and That’s a Good Thing

Picture this: you’re a rich, creamy scoop of pistachio gelato. You’re layered, a little nutty, and honestly, kind of fabulous. But someone comes along looking for rocky road, and suddenly, the rejection feels personal. Sound familiar?

I spent way too much time trying to morph into what I thought people wanted—usually because they either ghosted me or looked mildly unimpressed when I talked about my love for minimalist jewelry or O’Keeffe’s color palettes. It took years (and some frankly terrible dates) to understand this: it’s perfectly okay if someone doesn’t vibe with you. It’s not a referendum on your worth; it’s simply a sign that their taste buds are elsewhere.

Pro Tip: Stop auditioning for roles in someone else’s love story. Your person is out there, and they’ll love you, quirks and all. You don’t need to shave off those flavorful edges to fit into someone else’s idea of “perfect.”

2. Red Flags Are Not “Aesthetic Challenges You Can Fix”

If I had a nickel for every time I saw a red flag and thought, “But he listens to Bon Iver, so maybe he’s just misunderstood,” I’d have an art installation at my parents’ gallery titled Poor Choices: A Retrospective.

Here’s the thing about red flags: they don’t mean “try harder.” They mean, “Run—preferably in the opposite direction.” Take the time someone told me they didn’t “believe in commitment” but still wanted to see where things went. Ah, the classic I want all the benefits and none of the accountability. In hindsight, I’d like to go back in time and hand myself a screenshot of the “these are not green flags” Pinterest board I now keep saved for emergencies.

Signs to Watch For:
- They talk about their ex… constantly.
- “I’m just really bad at texting” is their default excuse.
- Your boundaries feel like suggestions to them, not requirements.

Remember: People are not fixer-uppers. Bathrooms, sure. Kitchens, maybe. But partners? They come as they are, not with a renovation guide.

3. Vulnerability Is Sexy (and Terrifying, but Mostly Sexy)

For a long time, I thought being guarded would protect me from heartbreak. Spoiler: It didn’t. What it did was protect me from the truly rewarding connections that come from being seen and understood. Emotional walls may look strong and self-preserving, but all they really do is keep the good stuff out.

I’m not saying pull a Shakespearean monologue about your deepest insecurities on a first date (been there, did that, regretted it), but at some point, being honest about who you are and what you feel is the only way to build intimacy. This means talking about what scares you, what you dream of, and yes, even the time your high school crush laughed when you asked them to prom because, apparently, trauma bonds are a thing now.

Baby Steps for Vulnerability: Start small. Share something a little personal—a tough work decision, an embarrassing story, the fact that you named your car after a color of paint at Home Depot. See how they react. If they’re kind and engaging, it’ll feel like less of a risk to share more.

4. Love Is Not a Checklist

I blame Nora Ephron and her perfectly scripted rom-coms for this one (though I love When Harry Met Sally far too much to hold a grudge for long). For years, I thought I needed a partner who ticked every box: artsy, well-read, in touch with their emotions, decent at pottery (I don’t know, it just seemed important). And while mutual interests are wonderful, no one is going to match you like an AI-generated travel itinerary.

What actually matters is shared values, complementary goals, and the ability to work through conflict without turning into a plotline on Love Is Blind. Someone who aligns with your vision of the future is far more compatible than someone whose Spotify algorithm looks like yours.

Reality Check: The right partner won’t always tick every box—but they’ll show up for you in ways you didn’t even know you needed. That matters more than whether they like jazz or spelunking or curating artisanal bread baskets.

5. Sometimes the Spark Is a Slow Burn

Here’s a spicy little nugget of truth for you: chemistry isn’t always instant. Some of the best connections I’ve had didn’t start with fireworks; they started with a warm glow that grew steadily over time. In contrast, the strongest infatuations often fizzled out faster than a candle in a Santa Fe windstorm.

One of my favorite artist friends has a saying: “Not every painting has to announce itself; some just linger and stay with you.” It’s the same with relationships. The people who make a real, lasting impact might not sweep you off your feet on date one, but they’ll have you building something deeper and steadier as the days go on.

The Lesson: Give people a chance to unfold. First impressions matter, sure, but the second and third ones might surprise you in ways the rom-coms didn’t prepare you for.

6. The Greatest Love Story Is the One You Have with Yourself

Okay, I know. Cliché. But hear me out: every relationship you enter will reflect the one you have with yourself. If you’re full of self-doubt, you’ll tolerate red flags. If you’re confident in your value, you’ll feel empowered to walk away from people who don’t see it.

For years, I let myself be “the chill girl.” The low-maintenance one. The agreeable one. I bent so far backward to accommodate other people I could’ve joined an acrobat troupe. It wasn’t until I started showing myself the care and respect I wanted from others—scheduling solo gallery days, treating myself to Friday night sushi, genuinely enjoying my own company—that my relationships started leveling up.

Self-Love Starter Kit:
- Set boundaries (and stick to them!).
- Pursue hobbies and interests that light you up, even if no one else gets them.
- Spend time alone—not the kind of lonely scrolling-through-Instagram-alone, but intentional, meaningful alone time.

The Takeaway: It’s a Journey Worth Embracing**

Love is an art form, messy and evolving. There will be half-finished sketches, missteps, and paintings you’d rather leave in the back of a closet. But those experiences, as cringy or painful as they might seem in hindsight, all add depth to your canvas.

So, to you, dear reader, I say this: forgive your mistakes, lean into your quirks, and never be afraid to let your unique colors shine. The right people will see the masterpiece you’re constantly becoming, and they’ll be honored just to be a part of it.