“Y’all, I Accidentally Stole a Date’s Dog”
Look, if life is a rollercoaster, love is the rickety one that keeps getting stuck at the top. And I’ve survived my fair share of loops and unintentional free falls in the dating world. But nothing—and I mean nothing—could’ve prepared me for the time I accidentally kidnapped a man’s dog.
I promise, this misadventure started with good intentions. As many of us know, dating can feel like an Olympic sport, one where the main goal is to seem charming, self-sufficient, and profoundly normal. In my case, I managed to execute a gold-medal flop, albeit with plenty of heart.
So, grab your favorite snack (I recommend something crunchy for dramatic emphasis) and join me as I relay the chaotic comedy of errors that taught me more about boundaries, communication, and why you should never say yes to a five-date challenge.
The Setup: When Keeping It Cute Goes Horribly Wrong
Picture this: It’s a breezy Saturday afternoon in Houston, and I’m sitting across from Dwayne—a man so handsome that when he smiles, I forget how verbs work. Dwayne is that guy. You know, the type with the perfectly trimmed beard, infectious laugh, and a deep, velvety voice that makes you question every ex who came before him.
By date three, things are going well enough that Dwayne invites me to his apartment to “meet someone important.” Now, I realize this would trigger a red alert for many people (“Meet the family this early? Absolutely not!”), but southern hospitality and my overwhelming crush overrode my common sense.
Turns out, the VIP wasn’t a person but his French bulldog, King. That little chunky ball of charisma strutted into the room with the energy of Beyoncé headlining Coachella, and I knew instantly: I was thoroughly outmatched. Dwayne loved this dog more than pizza rolls and world peace combined.
As someone who grew up with dogs (shoutout to Max, the German Shepherd who could outrun half the neighborhood), I figured bonding with King would score me extra points. Dwayne casually mentioned needing to take King to the groomer the following week, and that’s when my overachiever instincts kicked in.
“Why wait until next week?” I blurted out. “I can take him off your list right now. Grooming errands? Light work!”
The Heist: Hustlin’ Backwards with a Bulldog
Dwayne hesitated. “You sure? King’s…a lot.”
I waved off his concern like a contestant in America’s Next Top Dog Sitter. “Please. He’s adorable and compact. What’s the worst that could happen?”
As it turns out, the worst is realizing halfway through the errand that I did not, in fact, understand the assignment.
Step one: King refused to get in my car. I don’t know if it was because my Kia Soul lacked the je ne sais quoi of Dwayne’s leather-seated SUV or if he could sense I was an unverified dog chauffeur, but King planted himself like a boulder. A boulder outfitted with a Supreme collar and strong opinions.
Step two: After bribing King with half a Whataburger fry (yes, I folded under pressure), I realized I didn’t confirm the name or address of the groomer. That meant I had to use vague details Dwayne provided earlier, essentially gambling on Yelp reviews and proximity.
Step three: This is where things get sticky. I finally found the groomer—or at least, a groomer—who took one look at King and said, “Oh, he’s back for his usual treatment?” Did I know King’s “usual”? Absolutely not. Did I nod confidently? Of course I did.
The Fallout: Reuniting, Relearning, Reflecting
Here’s where the twist comes into play. When I returned King to Dwayne’s apartment, I strolled in smiling, imagining myself bathed in applause like Leslie Jones at the end of a comedy special.
But Dwayne wasn’t smiling.
“Marc...what’s on King’s nails?” he asked, gesturing animatedly.
Reader, the groomers had painted King’s claws sparkly lavender.
In my rush to seem capable, I’d let an employee upsell me on a “doggy mani” with zero regard for King’s aesthetic or Dwayne’s preferences. If Beyoncé launched Coachella King, I’d just turned him into Lady Gaga’s backup dancer. King, for his part, looked unfazed, but Dwayne’s expression vacillated between horror and restrained laughter.
I didn’t even have a good excuse. “Uh…I thought it was a nice touch?” I muttered, sheepishly.
“It’s different,” Dwayne said, not unkindly. “But King just got groomed last week. I only mentioned it to see how you’d respond.”
Well, there it was: I’d boldly volunteered for an errand that wasn’t necessary…dragged King along for the chaotic ride…and accessorized him like we were prepping for a doggy pride parade.
To his credit, Dwayne didn’t seem angry, but it was clear this situation could’ve derailed our budding romance. To spare myself—and Dwayne—a repeat, I had to rethink a few things.
What I Learned (So You Don’t Have To)
They say hindsight is 20/20, and after this fiasco, I’ve gained some clarity on avoiding a similar dating detour. Here are a few lessons I pulled out of my misadventure:
-
Stay in Your Lane (Literally and Figuratively)
Not every opportunity to help is an invitation to jump in. Offering to solve someone’s “problem” without double-checking their needs can come off as presumptuous instead of thoughtful. Next time, I’ll let a casual mention stay casual unless explicitly asked. -
Ask Questions, Then Ask More Questions
Dwayne giving King vague “usual” treatments might’ve worked for him, but I needed details…and didn’t ask because I was too worried about seeming clueless. Here’s the thing: you will seem clueless if you avoid asking specific clarifying questions. Trust me on this one. -
Don’t Compete with Dogs—You Won’t Win
In the hierarchy of “whom they love most” in the first three months of dating, their pet probably ranks above you. Accept it. Celebrate it. Stop scheming about how to leapfrog the dog because your rivalry will be one-sided and embarrassing. -
Perfection Is Overrated
Turns out, Dwayne didn’t want a superhuman problem-solver; he just wanted me to enjoy getting to know him and his quirky canine companion. Sometimes, we overcompensate while dating because we’re afraid of not being “enough,” but authenticity will always outshine overzealousness.
Love, Forgiveness, and Doggy Drama
By the grace of glittery paw polish, Dwayne forgave me. We laughed about it then, and even now, when we jokingly refer to that day as “The Kingnapping.”
Though things didn’t last romantically between us, the experience taught me something pivotal about relationships: we mess up, we misread cues, we overstep—but we grow. The true magic is in finding people who laugh with us through the chaos and help us become better along the way.
So, go forth and flirt boldly. Take risks, but maybe double-check the doggy daycare Yelp reviews before grabbing someone else's furry soulmate. Love is a wild ride—just bring extra Whataburger fries and a pinch of humility for the journey.
