How I Learned to Love Myself
Picture this: I’m standing in the middle of Toronto’s Kensington Market during a summer food festival, holding a half-eaten empanada in one hand and a smoothie in the other. My friends are laughing, basking in the golden-hour glow, and I should be relaxed. Instead, all I can think is, Why don’t I belong here? Everyone seems so effortlessly themselves, while I’ve worn three different outfits today trying to feel good. Spoiler alert: none worked.
Maybe you’ve had a similar moment—caught in the middle of life’s most Instagrammable scene—only to feel like the one who somehow missed the memo on being naturally confident. The truth is, self-love isn’t something anyone arrives at overnight. For me, it wasn’t even a straightforward journey; it was more of an emotional scavenger hunt with a broken compass. But piece by piece, I learned to collect parts of myself and, eventually, learned to love what they added up to.
Let’s get into the messy, beautiful details.
Step One: Stop Comparing Your “Behind the Scenes” to Everyone Else’s Highlight Reel
You’ve heard this before, but it bears repeating: comparison is the thief of joy. And if joy is a decadent chocolate cake, comparison is the sneaky fork someone sticks into your slice at a party. (Rude, right?) I used to spend hours scrolling Instagram, comparing my “meh” Tuesday to polished vacation selfies from people I hadn’t spoken to since first-year university. This comparison spiral was its own full-time job, complete with imposter syndrome as part of the benefits package.
The turning point? A sociology course I took during my undergrad at U of T—specifically, a lecture about how social media reinforces unrealistic standards. Logically, I’d known platforms were curated, but when my prof broke down exactly how filters, lighting, and selective posting paint a false picture of perfection, I realized I’d been giving my insecurities the fuel they needed to burn. So I set boundaries:
- I muted accounts that made me feel less-than.
- I limited my screen time (and stuck to it... most of the time).
- I reminded myself that even my sloppy, no-makeup, Netflix-binge days deserve love.
Here’s the kicker: when I disengaged from constant comparison, I had more energy to engage with my own life. Turns out, you can’t look inward when you’re too busy looking sideways.
Step Two: Get to Know Yourself (Like, Really Know Yourself)
Quick confession: for years, I treated “me-time” like it was a consolation prize—something I’d only indulge in if friends canceled plans. The idea of fully embracing solitude felt unnatural, even awkward. And yet, some of the most important parts of my self-love journey happened while I was alone.
Take the time I moved to Vancouver for a collaborative writing project. New city, no familiar faces—I felt untethered and awkward at first. But as I explored Kitsilano Beach on long solo walks and braved brewery tours without a plus-one, I discovered something surprising: I actually like my own company. Who knew?
If getting to know yourself sounds vague, here are a few practical ways to start:
- Journaling: Write whatever’s banging around in your head. You’ll find patterns in your thoughts, dreams, and fears that you didn’t even know were there.
- Solo Date Nights: Whether it’s a café, a movie, or a museum (hello, ROM), practice enjoying your own company.
- Personality Tests (for fun): Myers-Briggs, Enneagram, or even BuzzFeed quizzes—they’re like holding a mirror up to your quirks. Just don’t take them as gospel.
You have to learn what makes you tick before you can fully embrace yourself. Otherwise, loving yourself is like trying to finish a 1,000-piece puzzle while looking at the wrong picture on the box.
Step Three: Fail Spectacularly (and Love Yourself Anyway)
Here’s something no one told me: self-love isn’t built solely on the highlight reel. One of the fastest ways to level up your self-worth is by learning to accept yourself when things get messy.
Case in point: my disastrous first attempt at running my own freelance writing business. Fresh out of my newspaper gig, I landed a client who wanted punchy corporate copy for their PR campaign. Easy enough, right? Wrong. Let’s just say if there were an Olympics for typos and undeveloped ideas, my first draft would’ve swept gold. The client was unimpressed, I was mortified, and I spent a solid week wondering why anyone would ever hire me.
When I eventually stopped wallowing, I realized something important: I’d learned from the experience. I became more meticulous about deadlines and doubled down on research. But the most important lesson? That one bad project doesn’t mean I’m fundamentally unworthy. Mistakes are proof you’re trying, not evidence you’re failing.
In the context of love—whether it’s self-love or romantic love—you’ve got to make room for flaws. Nobody wakes up perfect. Your imperfections are part of the whole package, and learning to love that package... well, that’s the goal.
Step Four: Pivot Toward Gratitude
Bear with me—this isn’t about keeping a toxic positivity journal or treating gratitude like a buzzword. It’s about recalibrating your focus. For years, I was my own harshest critic, fixating on pimple scars, awkward encounters, or career “failures.” But the shift happened when I started documenting one thing I appreciated about myself every day.
Some entries were profound: “I stayed calm during a stressful meeting.” Others were charmingly mundane: “I remembered to water my plants before they started drooping.” The point was to remind myself that I’m not just a sum of my perceived flaws. Slowly, gratitude started crowding out self-criticism.
Try it yourself:
- Use a notes app or an old-school journal.
- Write one good thing about yourself every day.
- When you’re feeling down, read back through your entries.
Gratitude doesn’t erase bad days, but it gives you a lifeline to hold onto when self-doubt starts whispering in your ear.
Step Five: Surround Yourself with Good Energy
Let me tell you something about Toronto—it’s a city full of contrasts. You can walk from a shiny glass skyscraper into a scrappy indie bookstore in under five minutes. The lesson here? You get to curate your space just like the city curates its character. And when it comes to your relationship with yourself, the people you surround yourself with matter.
Take stock of your circles. Are you surrounded by people who hype you up, listen to your bad jokes, and encourage your wildest dreams? Or do you find yourself constantly fending off backhanded compliments and unsolicited life advice? Newsflash: you deserve to be around people who make loving yourself easier, not harder.
- Set Boundaries: Politely but firmly minimize contact with toxic people.
- Lean Into Support: Seek out friends, mentors, and communities who celebrate you—all of you.
Think of your inner circle as background music to your life. Make sure it’s playing your favorite playlist, not an annoying jingle.
Final Thoughts: You’re Worth It
Loving yourself isn’t about arriving at some magical “finish line” where everything clicks into place. Even after years of working on self-acceptance, there are mornings when I feel a little off or doubt myself. The difference now is I don’t let those moments define me. Love, whether for yourself or someone else, isn’t about being flawless. It’s about showing up—again and again—with patience, kindness, and forgiveness.
So back to that festival in Kensington Market: looking back, I wish I could tell my past self to put down the metaphorical magnifying glass. Nobody noticed that I’d changed outfits three times, and even if they had, it wouldn’t have mattered. The only person fretting over my flaws was me. Next time I found myself holding an empanada at sunset, I wasn’t worrying about fitting in—I was too busy savoring the moment.
You’re more than enough, already. And that’s worth loving—empanada in hand or not.
