If you’ve ever tried to look in the mirror and whisper affirmations to yourself without cringing, I understand you. Years ago, standing in front of a foggy bathroom mirror, attempting my first (and last) recitation of “I am enough,” I felt like a poorly written character in a telenovela. My reflection looked unimpressed. And honestly? So was I. Learning to love myself wasn’t a montage-worthy transformation steeped in fuzzy lighting—it was awkward, messy, and slow. But in those moments of discomfort, I found myself.

Let’s get one thing clear: the journey to self-love is deeply personal, sometimes hilariously chaotic, and almost never linear. But if you’re willing to stumble a little and laugh along the way, it’s also wonderful. Here’s how I made peace with myself—and learned to love every version of Carmen Delgado.

Step One: Call Out the Lies – Yes, Even the Pretty Ones

For years, I believed the lie that loving myself was something I could check off a to-do list. Simple, right? Buy a few bath bombs, post a picture of my feet in warm sand on Instagram, and—voila!—instant self-acceptance. Spoiler alert: it didn’t work.

Growing up in Chile, I breathed in the cultural narrative that self-worth was tied to external validation. Good grades meant I was hardworking; compliments on how I styled my curly hair meant I was pretty. The tipping point came when I moved to Madrid for my Master’s degree. No one cared that I had been “the academic one” back home. Madrid sidewalk cafés weren’t handing out gold stars; instead, they forced me to sit with my insecurities over tiny, perfect cups of café con leche.

My solution? I had to start calling out the lies I told myself. Lies like, If everyone else approves of you, you’ll approve of yourself. Or my personal favorite: Loving yourself means always feeling confident.

The truth is, self-love is less of a feeling and more of a practice. Some days you’ll feel it; other days, your confidence will be hiding under the bed, wrapped in the metaphorical blanket of your insecurities. Keep going anyway.

Step Two: Date Yourself—Seriously, You’re Great Company!

Once I stopped outsourcing my confidence, I realized I had no clue who I really was. Years of prioritizing other people’s opinions had left me with a metaphorical dating profile for myself that read: Loves tacos and sitting quietly so others can talk more. Was that true? Sort of. But was it enough? Definitely not.

So, I started dating myself, and trust me—this was no grand romantic comedy. There were no limo rides or heart-shaped fireworks. Instead, it looked like eating empanadas on a park bench in Santiago, jotting down book ideas because I finally let myself dream. It looked like discovering that yes, I do love dancing (alone at home) to the Nueva Canción playlist I once pretended was just background noise.

Here’s what worked for me:

  • Take yourself out solo. Yes, sit alone in a restaurant. The initial awkwardness will pass—and if it doesn’t, order dessert to distract yourself.
  • Discover (or reconnect with) hobbies. For me, it was exploring poetry I’d neglected since my university days. For you, it might be learning to garden, boxing, or finally trying that paint-and-wine class.
  • Write a letter to yourself. Remember how I said I couldn’t manage mirror affirmations? Writing myself a love letter felt less cringeworthy—plus, I didn’t have to maintain eye contact with my reflection.

Be curious about yourself. Strip away the expectations and see what (or who) remains. Spoiler: they’re probably pretty cool.

Step Three: Forgive Yourself for Being Human

Here’s a not-so-secret secret: We all mess up. Yes, even that friend who Insta-stories their sunrise jogs and smoothie bowls like an unpaid ambassador for healthy living. But when it comes to loving yourself, forgiveness is non-negotiable.

I still vividly remember the train ride home from a disastrous performance review at my first real publishing job. I rewrote the conversation in my mind a thousand times, cataloging every word I wished I could unsay. I clung to my mistake like it defined me—as if I was nothing more than the one PowerPoint presentation I had butchered.

That inner critic can be terribly convincing. Mine sounds like a mashup of my stern abuelo and a judgmental literary professor I had in college (he once compared my essay to burnt toast). But self-love? It begins when you tell that critic to sit down.

Forgiving yourself doesn’t mean ignoring mistakes—it means acknowledging them, learning from them, and offering yourself the same grace you would give a friend. Imagine telling your best friend, “Honestly, you should feel terrible about that typo in your email, and probably for at least a month.” Absurd, right? Now tell that inner abuelo to take up knitting instead of criticizing you.

Step Four: Stop Waiting for Universal Approval

At some point, it hit me that I was living my life like a perpetual audition. I’d mentally run my lines before social events, editing myself for likability, as though everyone I met had been cast to judge me behind invisible scorecards.

Loving yourself means no longer seeking permission to exist as your whole self. Flaws included. When I finally let people see real Carmen—the one prone to crying during sentimental movies and dominating game night charades—I gained something incredible: authentic connections. You can’t please everyone, but, spoiler, you don’t have to.

Step Five: Find Joy in the Everyday

This sounds dangerously close to bumper-sticker wisdom, but cultivating joy in ordinary moments has changed me. In Chile, we have a saying: Sacar algo bueno de lo malo (find something good in something bad). Self-love is like that. It’s the coffee you savor at sunrise, the playlist that feels like a tight hug, the awkward dance moves that make you laugh until you cry.

While living in Buenos Aires for a research stint, I stumbled upon a late-night tango bar tucked between graffiti-covered walls. I was terrible at tango, let’s be clear. But learning to embrace the joy of trying—not perfecting—was a revelation. Sometimes, self-love isn’t about being great at everything; it’s about showing up, wholeheartedly, for life’s small, messy, beautiful moments.

Moving Forward

Loving yourself isn’t a destination—it’s a lifelong relationship. There will be days when you argue with yourself, just like any other relationship. But there will also be days when you’ll celebrate yourself, laugh with yourself, even buy yourself flowers (shoutout to Miley Cyrus for making that trendy again).

You are your longest commitment. Show up for yourself with patience, curiosity, and a sense of humor. Remember: you don’t need the warm haze of a telenovela montage to be worthy of love—just a willingness to try, over and over again.

Hasta pronto, my friend. You’ve got this.