I was nine years old the first time I saw a garibaldi fish. Bright, neon orange and unapologetically flashy, it darted between the rocky ledges of a tidepool in La Jolla, utterly unbothered by the crashing waves above. Its bold presence mesmerized me—I remember thinking, “That fish has no idea how cool it is.”

Fast forward twenty years, and I found myself on a romantic first date at that very same tidepool. I had tucked away the garibaldi memory as one of those formative childhood moments that felt too obscure to share with anyone. But as my date casually pointed out marine life—correctly naming species like wavy turban snails and brittle stars—I blurted out my garibaldi story without thinking. To my surprise, he stopped walking, turned to me, and smiled. "That’s such a great way to describe it," he said. “Unapologetically flashy. You just gave that fish a soul.”

I froze for a second. Here was someone who didn’t just chuckle to be polite or use my story as a segue to his own fun fact. For the first time, someone really listened—and saw the dorky, slightly poetic, hyper-specific me. The me who gives metaphorical souls to fish and can spend an embarrassing amount of time talking about tidepool ecosystems. It felt oddly freeing, like I’d been holding my breath in past relationships and was suddenly allowed to exhale.

What Does It Mean to Be "Seen," Anyway?

Being "seen" in a relationship isn’t just about someone noticing your new haircut or remembering how you take your coffee. It’s about feeling recognized for the quirks, passions, and vulnerabilities that make you who you are. It’s someone hearing your random garibaldi story and thinking, “Yes, that’s so you.”

For years, I didn’t realize how rare it was to feel seen. I dated the wrong people—and this isn’t a critique of them, but more of how little I let myself be known. In hindsight, I realize I often smoothed out the edges of my personality in an effort to be easier to like. I’d nod along to music I didn’t care for or swap my usual nature analogies for more "normal" conversational topics. The result? Superficial connections that fizzled out like a dud sparkler on the Fourth of July.

But here’s the thing: shrinking yourself to fit someone else’s idea of who you should be is like trying to stuff a perfectly ripe avocado into a toddler’s lunchbox. Sure, it might technically work—but does it belong there? No. And what a waste of good guac.

Moments That Showed Me I Wasn't Being "Seen”

To recognize when someone truly sees you, you have to understand when they don’t. Here are a few classic red flags I’ve encountered:

1. They Only Like the "Highlight Reel"
Think of this like Instagram vs. real life. If someone loves the put-together version of you—the photo-ready, fun-at-parties alter ego—but seems bored (or put off) by your unfiltered self, that’s not connection. I once dated someone who praised me endlessly for my work ethic but checked out whenever I brought up my more artsy, contemplative side. My oceanic metaphors? Too much. My fascination with mollusks? Too nerdy. It was like kissing a wall painted with compliments but no actual depth.

2. Your Vulnerabilities Are Met With Surface Responses
A true connection means being safely vulnerable. When I once opened up to a former boyfriend about how lonely I felt being the “nature nerd” among peers who preferred party beaches over tidepool excursions, he shrugged and said, “At least you’ll, like, never run out of niche hobbies?” Not the worst response! But it wasn’t exactly the supportive, emotionally kind exchange I’d hoped for.

3. They Rewrite Your Narrative
The worst case of this I’ve experienced was in Costa Rica, where I was volunteering at a marine sanctuary. My boyfriend at the time told our Airbnb host that I was there as “just a hobbyist” after I’d spent months researching the trip and using my writing to generate awareness about the work being done there. That dismissal hit me like a rogue wave—sudden and humbling.

Signs Someone Truly Sees You

On the flip side, here’s what I’ve learned to recognize as green flags—those hopeful signs that you’re authentically connecting with someone:

1. They Take Genuine Interest in What You Love
When you talk about the garibaldi fish—or whatever your equivalent of that is—they dive into the story with you. And not just because they like you, but because they appreciate how that passion lights you up. Their interest is natural and curiosity-driven, not performative.

2. They Let You Be Your Weird Self
Being seen doesn’t require you to show the “polished” you all the time. If you feel comfortable enough to say, “I talk to rocks on occasion” (true story!) and they respond with something like, “Cool, do they ever talk back?”—keep them.

3. They Notice the Little Things
It could be your habit of walking barefoot through wet sand or the way you describe colors as if they're emotions. They notice these details and see them as part of what makes you unique. It's not about grand romantic gestures; sometimes, it’s as small as them laughing and saying, “That’s such a Julianne thing to say.”

4. You Feel Relaxed Being Yourself
Here’s the ultimate litmus test: you don’t feel like you’re faking it. You don’t have to second-guess every word or laugh to fit a certain persona. You’re just… you. And that’s enough.

How Do You Find Someone Who Sees You?

It starts—and you’ve heard this a million times—with seeing yourself first. (Cue the Disney montage music.) All jokes aside, self-awareness is the key to being authentically you in any connection. I learned this the long way: by dating people I wasn’t compatible with and enduring a series of “meh” connections before I figured out what I really wanted.

So, if you’re ready to embrace your inner garibaldi fish, here’s my advice:

  • Stop Hiding Your "Weird": Whether you’re into birdwatching, crossword puzzles, or customizing terrariums, let those passions shine through. If someone doesn’t appreciate them, then they’re not the right fish in your sea.
  • Be Patient: Meeting someone who truly sees you can take time (and some trial and error). But forcing a connection with someone who only sees part of you will never bring you happiness.
  • Surround Yourself With Allies: Friends who truly see you can remind you of your worth while you wait for the romance part to catch up.
  • Let Go of Shame: Being unapologetically yourself isn’t a liability. It’s a strength. Anyone worth your time will see it that way.

The Moment I Knew

That garibaldi-inspired moment at the tidepool stayed with me for a reason. It wasn’t about someone “getting” my quirky way of describing fish. It was the bigger realization that I didn’t need to filter myself to connect deeply with someone.

Feeling seen isn’t some grand, cinematic event. Sometimes it’s as simple as someone pausing to say, “I see you. All of you.” And here’s the kicker: once you’ve experienced it, you’ll realize that accepting anything less just isn’t an option anymore.

So, embrace the quirk, lean into your weird, and when you find your people—romantic or otherwise—who celebrate your garibaldi moments? Hold onto them. They’re worth tidepooling for.