Why You're Not Texting Back: The Life Lesson Hidden in Ghosting Your Suitor

The "Why Haven't I Responded?" Blues
If you’ve ever opened a message, cringed slightly, and thought, “I’ll respond later,” only to realize it’s now been three days and you should probably just change your name and move to another country, let me tell you: you’re not alone. You’re human, overbooked, slightly anxious, and possibly still stinging from Tina from HR’s comment about your coffee habits (I drink oat milk because it’s chic, Tina). But here’s a wild concept to consider—sometimes, the reason we ghost isn’t just about them or even our calendar. Sometimes, it’s about us. Yep. The call is coming from inside the house.

I know this because I, too, am an occasional ghost of great regret. It’s not just casual dating prospects I’ve left in inbox purgatory—friends, family, my own doctor (“We’ll follow up about your vitamin D levels!”)—they’ve all fallen victim. And in those quiet, awkward moments where I reflect on the messages unwritten, I’ve realized something pretty profound: our unresponsiveness often exposes deeper truths about how we’re really feeling.

Subheading 1: The “It’s Not You, It’s My Avoidance” Problem
Let’s get something straight: ghosting isn’t always intentional malice. Sometimes, it’s emotional paralysis in disguise. We don’t reply because our brain has decided that this one, tiny task requires a Herculean level of effort. Maybe this person wants to follow up about plans when we’ve secretly decided brunching in Koreatown is too chaotic for our introvert-in-recovery phase. Or maybe their energy feels... off. Like the time I went on a date with a guy who claimed he “doesn’t really read books” (?!), and I couldn’t get past the fact that even just texting him back felt like mentally swiping through streaming services: exhausting.

This avoidance, though, is usually less about them and more about what’s brewing in us. Maybe we’re feeling burned out. Maybe we’re rethinking certain life choices that, at 1 a.m., led us to make three separate Uber Eats orders. Or maybe we’re grappling with the realization that, no matter how charming someone’s banter appears, they definitely don’t get the difference between “there,” “their,” and “they’re.” Consider your unread DMs a reflection: are you genuinely into this connection or just too polite (or guilty) to let it fade into the digital abyss?

Subheading 2: Overthinking Texting Turns Into... Not Texting
Do you know what’s exciting? Possibility. Do you know what’s terrifying? Actually committing to exploring it. My best friend once called me “the Daniel Day-Lewis of texting” because apparently, I prepare replies like A-list actors prepare for their Oscar roles. My drafts are thoughtful epics—literally every “what ‘lol’ should I use?” moment is workshopped to exhaustion.

The problem? Overthinking and perfectionism can become their own traps. Instead of just hitting “send,” you procrastinate, telling yourself you want to “wait for the right time.” That “right time” somehow always morphs into never—and now, three weeks later, you’re wondering if you could restart the conversation with a GIF of Homer Simpson sneaking into shrubs. (Spoiler: you can’t. It’s too late.) This applies to romantic connections, obviously, but also to life’s trickier emotional terrain. Sometimes replying feels like swinging out with the perfect quip on-stage. Are we funny enough? Do we seem cool enough? Did we come on too strong, or not strong enough? Suddenly, responding feels riskier than a Kardashian experimenting with bangs.

Subheading 3: The Subtle Art of Learning How to Own It
The good news is that every ignored text carries a little opportunity: to grow, to learn, and let’s face it, to hammer out a better communication strategy before you permanently swear off dating apps. So how do we fix this ghost problem?

  • Start by forgiving yourself. Seriously, you’re not an awful person just because you forgot to reply to that guy Steve (or was it Ben?) who seemed suspiciously too into pumpkin spice products. Recognize that life gets busy, and your mental bandwidth has limits.
  • Check yourself. Use those feelings of dread or avoidance as emotional clues. Do you actually want to reengage with this person, or are you hanging on because ghosting makes you feel like a villain in a rom-com? If you’re not vibing, then kindly but firmly let them know instead of disappearing. (Trust me, it’s less stressful than dodging them forever like they’re last season’s cheugy trend.)
  • Master the low-effort honesty text. This is one of my favorite hacks—a simple one-liner like, “Hey, I realized I’m not in the right place for this right now, but I wish you the best,” will save you paragraphs of anxiety. You’re not crafting the next great American novel here; you’re simply showing up as a thoughtful adult.
  • Be proactive in your boundaries. For instance: avoid checking messages when you’re juggling chaos—or, if you’re me, scarfing down a post-workout poke bowl while doomscrolling on Instagram. Make time where you commit to replying earnestly—and then awkwardly pat yourself on the back when you actually do it.

Subheading 4: Why Ghosting Still Doesn’t Feel Great
Let’s get honest: ghosting hurts everyone involved. Sure, it’s easier in theory than composing an “I’m not feeling a spark” message, but when you go quiet on someone, they’re left filling in blanks you didn’t intend for them to imagine. Maybe they think it’s something they did. Maybe they assume you met someone else. Or maybe (and this one’s surprisingly common) they think about reconnecting later in some dramatic reunion worthy of the final scenes of a Nancy Meyers film.

Ultimately, the bigger picture here is about showing up—not perfectly, but authentically. Responding honestly (whether it’s to end something or get into something deeper) is scary, no doubt. But integrity builds better dating karma (and cleaner inboxes).

Subheading 5: A Better Way Forward
Look, you don’t need to respond to every “wyd” in this life immediately. But learning to reflect on why you’re dodging certain people—or certain conversations—can bring a lot of clarity to your routine. Are you too busy to reply? Cool, set clearer expectations with whoever’s texting. Are you not really into them? Then kindly, respectfully let them know. If the situation’s emotionally tricky, give yourself time to process—but don’t avoid it forever.

Responding isn’t just about being polite; it’s about owning your connections and, in turn, owning parts of yourself. Because let me say, as someone who’s ghosted more times than I’d like to admit (and been ghosted more than Hulu cancels original shows), the discomfort never feels better with time. But accountability? That feels incredible.

Conclusion: Ghost Less, Care More
The truth is, we all ghost sometimes. It’s easy, it’s convenient, it lets us binge-watch all eight episodes of that new Netflix reality show without distractions. But the real magic happens when we lean into the discomfort of showing up—flawed, overthinking, sometimes incredibly awkward—and say, “Hey, here’s where I’m at.” Whether it’s with romantic prospects, friends, or people in between, opening the door to honest conversations makes us bolder, not weaker.

And if you’re still stuck on that one text you’ve been avoiding for two weeks? Just send a meme. Trust me, it’s better than silence.