The Tiny Change That Rebuilt My Confidence

If you’ve ever felt like romance was an unsolvable Rubik’s cube—one you’re too tired to twist anymore—let me assure you, I’ve been there too. A few years ago, I hit what you might call a dating slump. Not the “oops-this-wasn’t-a-romantic-match” type of slump—no, this was something much deeper. I was mired in what I lovingly now refer to as “The Beige Phase.” My confidence was shot, my texts were dryer than the Sahara, and my energy for flirting hovered somewhere around lukewarm tea. I was existing, sure—living? Arguably. Thriving? Absolutely not.

What pulled me out? It wasn’t a self-help book, a particularly moving Drake lyric (though, to be fair, Take Care will always have my heart), or even a new wardrobe. It was something deceptively simple yet profoundly grounding: gratitude.

Yes, you read that right. I leaned into gratitude like it was my auntie’s jollof rice at a family wedding—completely and without shame. And over time, the habit of thanking life for everything, from a sunny afternoon walk to someone holding the subway door for me, changed how I saw myself, my relationships, and the world around me.

Let me break down how something as small as saying "thank you" reshaped my approach to love and life—and how it might do the same for you.

From “Not Enough” to “What I Have Is Everything”

Here’s a fun flashback: It’s a winter night in Brooklyn, and I’m on a first date at some dimly lit taco spot. She’s lovely: clever, intriguing, and kind. And yet, instead of appreciating the shimmer in her laughter or the mango salsa on my plate, I’m laser-focused on what the night isn’t.

I can’t help myself. My brain’s doing that 90s sitcom thing where it imposes imaginary laugh tracks on awkward moments. I’m overthinking her pauses (“Did I just say something dumb?”), my outfit (“Should’ve gone with the green sweater”), my entire existence (“Wow, Malik—you’re mediocre”). By the time the check arrives, I feel miles—no, galaxies—away from being present.

What I didn’t realize at the time was that my focus on deficits—on what was “missing”—was the true third wheel in my dating life. Gratitude flipped that script.

Once I started a daily gratitude practice—a quick three-minute mental note of anything good about my day—my outlook shifted. Over time, I began approaching each interaction not as a test to pass but as a moment to appreciate. She held the door for me? Wow, thoughtful! I made her laugh so hard she snorted? Look at me go! My dating life didn’t suddenly morph into a rom-com montage, but my self-worth stopped plummeting every time I made a minor misstep.

Gratitude turned “not enough” into “all of this is more than enough.”

Gratitude in Action: How It Works

Okay, before you roll your eyes and mutter “But does anyone actually keep gratitude journals?”—hear me out. You don’t need to physically buy a notebook or adopt a monk-like demeanor to make this work. Here’s how I eased into it:

  1. Morning Boost: First thing in the morning, while brushing my teeth or waiting for the microwave to ding, I named three things I was grateful for. No criteria—just whatever floated into my brain. Things like, “My big sister sending me a hilarious meme,” or “I didn’t spill coffee on myself yesterday.” Small joys are the MVPs here.
  2. Text Someone: Once a week, I decided to text someone a direct “thank you.” It didn’t need to be epic. I once texted my dad, “Thanks for teaching me how to parallel park—it’s saving my butt this week.” Sometimes all it takes is two words to remind someone (and yourself) of the love floating around your life.
  3. Date Night Shift: Midway through any date—whether it was a picnic in Prospect Park or a routine “Netflix and chill”—I challenged myself to pause for five seconds and mentally list one thing I was grateful for about the other person. It could be anything: “I love that they genuinely listen when I talk,” or “She eats fries with ketchup like a normal person, not mayo—thank God.” This tiny practice anchored me to the moment instead of spiraling about what I couldn’t control.

And that’s really all it took. These were minor adjustments. The key wasn’t about length or perfection; it was about consistency. The beauty of gratitude is that once you start actively practicing it, it sneaks into your day uninvited, like Rihanna’s voice on every gym playlist.

Attitude Adjustment = Energy Shift

Here’s the thing: when you exude gratitude, you start radiating a brand of confidence that’s impossible to fake. I learned this lesson the day I decided to compliment a good friend on how well they handled a tough phone call with their ex. Out of nowhere, they turned to me and said, “You’ve got this new vibe—it’s like you’re glowing a bit. What’s up with that?”

Initially, I laughed it off. How do you even respond to “glowing”? But looking back, I realized my gratitude habit had something to do with it. When you place energy into appreciating now, you stop sweating the “what-ifs” and “what-might’ve-beens.” Shifting your focus shifts your vibe, too.

And people? Oh, they notice. Dates commented on my warm energy without realizing why. Friends started mirroring it back. Gratitude didn’t just make me feel better—it seemingly made others feel better around me, too.

The Ripple Effect in Relationships

Here’s where the magic truly happens: gratitude doesn’t just impact your mindset in isolation—it strengthens your connections.

For example, I started practicing gratitude beyond my solo moments and into my relationships. Instead of debating whether someone texted “too much” or “too little,” I’d think, “Wow, they remembered I had a big day today.” When arguments came up, I’d internally list, “Three good things about this person” (quick shoutout to my therapist for that tip). Even tricky conversations became less about keeping score and more about acknowledging effort.

Gratitude doesn’t erase pain or prevent tough moments. But it reframed my focus, turning potential conflicts into opportunities for growth. It stopped me from falling into the cultural trap of seeing love—romantic or otherwise—as transactional.

Final Thoughts: Ready to Try Gratitude?

Here’s a truth bomb: my life isn’t perfect. I still hit awkward patches. I’ve still knocked coffee all over myself mid-date. Gratitude didn’t solve all my problems; it simply gave me the tools to see them differently.

If you’re skeptical about gratitude, I get it. I was too, once. But what I’ve learned through this habit is that real progress often starts small. It’s not about grand gestures; it’s about shifted thoughts. So, tomorrow morning, pause with your toothbrush, think of one thing you’re grateful for, and see where it takes you.

Who knows? That small moment might just spark the confidence to re-enter the world—not perfect, but present, open, and absolutely enough.