What Cookouts and Mirrors Taught Me About Self-Love

Somewhere between my mom telling me to “stand up straight” in Sunday church photos and trying to figure out if I was the “Michael Jordan” or the “Horace Grant” of the friend group, I realized self-love wasn’t something that just happened. It wasn’t a button I could press. It was more like learning to grill ribs at a cookout—messy at first, requiring a lot of trial and error, but oh-so-satisfying once you get it right. But the road there? Let me tell you, it’s a trip.

There was a time when standing in front of the mirror felt like staring down an opponent on the basketball court. I wasn’t just looking; I was critiquing. Every mole, every out-of-place twist in my fade, every reminder that I wasn’t tall enough to dunk or chill enough to be that guy everyone immediately gravitated toward—it was deep. The wild part? Half of this stuff was noise I’d picked up from the world around me. And getting rid of that noise? Whew. That took work.

If you’re in the middle of your own self-love glow-up—whether you’re still simmering or just flipped that metaphorical rack of ribs for the first time—let’s talk about the lessons I’ve learned. Spoiler alert: loving yourself is less about perfection and more about seasoning your life with the right spices.

Lesson 1: Comparison Is the Thief of Joy… and Fries

Here’s the thing about growing up in Chicago: you learn a lot about competition just by breathing the air. Whether it’s ballin’ at the park, flexing your fits at school, or, heck, just surviving a round of Uno at the family reunion—someone’s always waiting to show you up.

But somewhere in my early twenties, I realized something. Comparison? It’s like ordering a large fry at Harold’s and then giving all your ketchup to someone who didn’t even ask for it. Why make someone else’s plate taste better at the expense of your own?

When I stopped playing “Who’s got it better?” with Instagram feed strangers and started focusing on my own wins—like finally finishing draft two of my first novel or mastering the family peach cobbler recipe—things shifted. Life wasn’t a race; it was a concert, and I was the artist fine-tuning my greatest hits.

Pro Tip: Make a “brag jar.” Write down every small win, no matter how silly it feels (“didn’t hit snooze today,” “pieced together a fire outfit from Target clearance”). When the self-doubt creeps in, crack it open and remind yourself who you are.

Lesson 2: Find Your Self-Love Mixtape

James Baldwin once said, “You have to decide who you are and force the world to deal with you, not the other way around.” Powerful stuff, but for me, self-love really clicked when a track by Common or Erykah Badu made me feel seen in ways I didn’t even know were possible.

My favorite example? The first time I listened to Common’s “The Light.” It wasn’t just a song—it was an electric reminder that love, the real kind, always starts with you. I started building my own “self-love mixtape” not long after:

  • Hype Songs: Think of tracks that remind you to strut with your head high. (Shoutout to Kendrick’s “i,” which literally makes you say “I love myself” on repeat.)
  • Reflection Jams: What songs speak to your soul when the house is quiet? For me: “Be Free” by Corinne Bailey Rae.
  • Feel-Good Anthems: Songs that give you that post-shower confidence. No playlist is complete without Mary J. Blige’s “Just Fine.”

Curating this playlist taught me a huge truth: Loving yourself is about surrounding yourself with reminders—people, music, poetry—that cheer for you like you’re the MVP.

Lesson 3: What You Feed Yourself (Metaphorically and Literally) Matters

My dad, a man who could drive a CTA bus down 95th with one hand and hum Al Green with the other, always said, “What you see yourself as is how the world’ll see you.” He was talking about the way you carry yourself—your posture, your vibe—but it hit me one day that this ran deeper.

Your self-perception is shaped by what you consume. Constantly scrolling TikToks of chiseled gym bros while you’re on the couch with your Flamin’ Hots? Not a vibe. Reading books or following creators who challenge you to think outside the box? Game-changer.

And yeah, literal food counts too. I gotta respectfully call out that time I lived on ramen noodles and venti caramel frappuccinos during finals at Northwestern. Nothing says “I think you’re worthy” less than treating your body like an afterthought.

Action Step: Take an audit of your daily intake—media, food, conversations, all of it. Replace one toxic thing with something that feeds you back. For me, it was swapping trash TV marathons with Gwendolyn Brooks poetry. Everything feels different when you fuel the right parts of yourself.

Lesson 4: Stop Waiting on External Validation, Because It’s on CP Time

Listen, I’ve been there. Waiting for someone to tell you you’re good-looking, talented, or worthy of love feels like waiting on that one uncle who promises he’ll show up to the cookout at 2 p.m. but doesn’t roll in till sundown. Validation from others is never on time because it ain’t your timeline—it’s theirs.

When I stopped waiting for outside confirmation, I discovered what I call the “Mirror MVP Move.” Every day, before leaving the house, I look myself in the eye and say one kind thing out loud. It could be big (“You finished that third chapter, bro!”) or small (“That beard lineup’s on point”). Some days, I don’t buy it. But the more I flex that muscle, the stronger it gets.

No one else’s approval is required for you to feel good about being you. Full stop.

Lesson 5: You Don’t Owe Perfection to Anyone, Including Yourself

Now look, I’ll admit: I’m a recovering perfectionist. My mom, the trusty high school English teacher, swore my essays had more crossed-out lines than the scribbles of a student loan payment calendar. And for a while, I carried that into everything: I couldn’t be seen unless I felt polished and pre-approved. Dating was the worst. I was out here rehearsing conversations like it was open mic night at a South Side poetry slam.

But guess what? Flaws are seasoning. They’re those “messy edges” in jazz riffs that make real art sing. I stopped trying to be perfect when I realized no one could love the real me if the real me stayed behind the curtain. Some of the best dates I’ve ever had were the ones where I stumbled over my words but leaned into honesty (“Uh, would it be weird if I just admitted I’m nervous right now? Because yup, this is me”).

Closing Time: Cooking with Confidence

Loving yourself is less like an end goal and more like a lifelong pot of gumbo. Every year, you learn to add something new—more spice, a little sweetness, fewer of the cheap shortcuts that never worked anyway. The same way my dad flips BBQ ribs until he’s satisfied with the char, you’re not done until you decide you’re done.

And the best part? You don’t need anyone else’s RSVP to start this party. Self-love isn’t about some grand, perfect arrival. It’s in the little things—the proud laugh after burning your first batch of ribs or the quiet confidence of staring in the mirror and telling yourself (out loud!) “You’re doing just fine. Now go slay today.”

So, the next time you’re tempted to compare yourself to someone else, let me remind you: their lane has nothing to do with how good your ribs smell. Feed yourself, season your journey with care, and remember—you’ve got this, chef.