Lessons I Wish I Knew Earlier

There’s a Yoruba saying I grew up hearing from my mum: “Ti isu ẹni ba ta, a nfi ọwọ bo je ni.” Loosely translated, it means, “When your yam is well-cooked, you eat it discreetly.” Essentially, when good things come, move with intention and grace. I didn’t realize until my 20s that it applied to love and relationships just as much as career ambitions. I’m not saying every crush should be guarded like the secret sauce for Jollof rice, but relationships? They need more than vibes and hope to go the distance.

Here are some hard-earned lessons I wish I had known back when I was doing more trial-and-error with my heart than I care to admit. Let’s dive in.

1. Love Isn’t a Job, So Stop Treating It Like One

Somewhere along the way, I started treating romance like an Excel spreadsheet. If you tick this box (kind, funny, tallish), and I tick that box (intelligent, emotionally available, knows how to make pepper soup), then we’re automatically good to go, right? Wrong.

Relationships aren’t about checking off a checklist; they’re about connection. I once dated someone who was perfect on paper—he had every “qualification” I thought I wanted. But when we were together, it felt like I was in a group project with someone who did all the readings but wouldn’t actually engage. We were technically “compatible,” but you can’t spreadsheet your way into shared laughter or a lingering glance that feels like home.

Lesson learned? Chemistry is what makes love come alive, not credentials.

2. Red Flags Do Not Mean “Try Harder”

One of my closest friends likes to say, “Harriet, stop collecting red flags like it’s a sport.” And you know what? She’s absolutely right. Back then, my approach to relationships was like trying to make a bowl of soup out of spoiled tomatoes—futile and, frankly, unnecessary.

If someone told me “I’m not looking for anything serious,” I’d hear, “Challenge accepted.” If a guy was hot but emotionally about as stable as a Lagos traffic jam during rush hour, I thought my “love” had the power to fix him. Spoiler: it didn’t.

Real love doesn’t ask you to negotiate your self-worth or bulldoze straight through clear warnings. If anything, red flags are there to protect your peace. A bad connection is like expired milk—you can dress it up with sugar or chocolate syrup, but it’s still going to ruin your stomach.

3. Communication Is Sexy. No, Really.

Let me paint you a picture of 22-year-old me: I was in a situationship (yes, sigh) with a man who thought ambiguity was attractive. Each time I tried to define what we were doing, he’d brush it off, saying, “Let’s just go with the flow.” Turns out, “the flow” was me floating in a pool of confusion while he enjoyed the shallow end.

I wasted so much time trying to decipher someone else’s mixed signals when I could’ve just asked simple questions: “What do you want? Does this align with what I want?” Asking for clarity doesn’t ruin relationships; the wrong person’s inability to be clear does.

Moral of the story: Open, honest communication? It’s not only liberating, but it’s also attractive. Emotional maturity beats “mysterious” any day.

4. Your Friends Are Your Relationship Mirrors

Here’s the thing about being raised in a Nigerian family: your inner circle’s opinions carry weight. My sisters and cousins will tell you exactly what’s on their minds, even if it’s during a Sunday lunch with egusi staining their lips.

At first, I was defensive. What do they know about my love life? But then I realized—my older sister wasn’t nagging when she asked why I hadn’t smiled in weeks. My best friend wasn’t being harsh when she side-eyed the guy who ignored me for days only to reappear with a casual “hey.”

The people who love you the most often see what you’ve normalized in a relationship. Trust them to hold up a mirror when you can’t see the cracks clearly for yourself.

5. You’re More Than Your Relationship Status

This one may sound obvious, but let me tell you—it’s hard to internalize when every Nigerian aunty is side-eyeing your single status at weddings and asking with fake innocence, “So, when are we buying aso-ebi for your own?”

It’s easy to feel like something is “wrong” with you when you’re persistently single. But being single isn’t a punishment, and neither is delaying marriage until it feels right. Some of the best seasons of my life were spent discovering myself outside the framework of a romantic relationship: taking solo trips, dancing shamelessly to Burna Boy at house parties, and building my writing career.

Your worth is not tied to who loves you romantically but rather to who you are as a whole person. With or without a ring, you’re complete. Period.

6. Love Shouldn’t Cost You Yourself

When I worked for an NGO in Senegal, I met a couple who left an indelible mark on me. They were in their 60s, and being around them felt like standing under warm sunlight. I asked them their secret. The husband looked over at his wife and said, “She’s still exactly who she was when I met her; I never tried to reshape her.”

That hit me like a ton of bricks. Too many times, I’d trimmed parts of my identity just to “fit” someone else’s desires. I downplayed my ambition because an ex thought women shouldn’t be “too driven.” I muted my cultural pride because another found Nigerian music “too loud.”

But love? Real love is expansive. It doesn’t demand you fold yourself into smaller pieces; it encourages you to bloom.

7. Trust Takes Time. Don’t Rush It.

Maybe it’s the Hollywood romcoms we grew up on, but I used to think connection was about locking eyes across a room and somehow “just knowing.” But life is not a Netflix script; trust isn’t built by sharing three deep secrets over drinks and then calling it a day.

It’s built in the small, consistent actions: keeping promises, showing up when it’s hard, and listening—not just hearing. Like planting that perfect cassava, trust requires patience and care. And if they’re not willing to put in the work? It’s not your job to make up for their lack of effort.

8. Being Alone Isn't the Enemy

There was a time I feared loneliness more than heartbreak. The silence of my thoughts felt unbearable; I craved the distraction of “companionship,” even when it was clearly mismatched. You know what I wish I’d understood earlier? That sitting with yourself—getting comfortable with your own company—is one of the most radical acts of self-love you can practice.

When you know how to enjoy solitude, any relationship you choose becomes about adding value rather than filling a void. Learn to love yourself fiercely; it’s the foundation for any connection worth having.

9. Sometimes You Just Have to Laugh About It

If I told you about the first date I had in London where the guy showed up late and then asked ME to split the Tfare for his Uber home, you’d laugh. And I did too (later, after blocking him).

Dating isn’t always smooth—it’s messy, confusing, and occasionally embarrassing. But it’s also funny if you let it be. Learn to find the humor in awful dates, awkward texts, and failed flirting attempts. They make for great stories, but more importantly, they remind you: you’ve survived worse things.

The Final Takeaway

Love isn’t a straight path; it’s a winding road with detours, pot holes, and surprise scenic routes. But as you move through it, remember this: you are the constant in your story. No matter who enters or exits, you owe it to yourself to protect your joy, set clear boundaries, and embrace every lesson—even the hard ones.

Go forth boldly, flirt shamelessly (where appropriate), and let love unfold one messy, beautiful chapter at a time. You’ve got this.