They say “fake it ‘til you make it,” but what happens when you’ve made it...and still feel like a complete fraud? Sound familiar? You’re not alone. Welcome to the club—you, me, Michelle Obama, and roughly 70% of the population, according to studies on impostor syndrome. It’s like accidentally sneaking into an exclusive party you were actually invited to but keep pretending to be the caterer anyway.
Impostor syndrome isn’t exclusive to boardrooms or creative spaces—it crops up everywhere, including relationships. Maybe you’ve found yourself wondering, How did I land someone THIS amazing? Or worse, What happens if they figure out I’m just...me? Relax. Spoiler alert: they already know you’re you, and yet, here they are. Now let’s get you back in the driver’s seat, where you belong.
The “I’m Not Enough” Spiral: A Relatable Origin Story
Before diving into how to conquer impostor syndrome, let me share a little story from my freshman year at the University of Toronto. Picture me: a guy with a caffeine addiction budding faster than his beard, sitting in a lecture hall surrounded by students casually quoting Foucault like it was an episode of Gilmore Girls.
I kept thinking, Who let me in here by mistake? My inner monologue was a delightful cocktail of self-doubt: I probably should’ve gone into accounting. Why did I write literature on my application? What even is post-structuralism?
Spoiler: I didn’t drop out, and nothing catastrophic happened. But the anxiety lingered, and it took years (and several bad drafts of my debut novel) to understand that feeling like an outsider doesn’t mean you are one. The same logic applies to relationships. When you’re playing mental ping-pong between “Oh no, I’m not good enough for them” and “When will they realize I’m not fluent in charcuterie boards or dream vacations in Italy?”—stop. Breathe. You’ve got this. Let me show you how.
Step 1: Reframe The Story You’re Telling Yourself
Here’s the thing: impostor syndrome thrives on stories we tell ourselves about ourselves. It’s the overblown supervillain origin story where every awkward moment gets weaponized: That one time you texted “Thankksks” instead of “Thanks”? Proof you’re unqualified for love. The time you blanked on your partner’s favorite childhood TV show? Evidence. Your inability to cook risotto? Case closed.
Stop. Hit pause. Imagine if your best friend came to you with these complaints. Would you say, “Wow, you’re right. You’re clearly failing”? Of course not. You’d probably laugh, remind them nobody can cook risotto on their first try, and help them see their amazing qualities. Do. That. For. Yourself.
Start small by flipping the narrative. Instead of, “I don’t deserve this person,” try, “I bring something totally unique to this relationship.” Instead of replaying your greatest hits of awkward (we all have them), focus on the times you’ve brought value, kindness, or brutal honesty to the dynamic. Remember: impostor syndrome doesn’t usually survive a reality check.
Step 2: Know The Difference Between Growth And Fraud
I used to think being unsure was proof I didn’t belong—turns out, it was just proof I was growing. Whether it’s in love, life, or work, being a little uncertain shows you care enough to push yourself. Impostor syndrome likes to confuse growth with fraud. They’re not the same.
Relationships operate in the same way. You’re navigating new terrain every day: figuring out how they take their coffee, how to merge your Netflix queues, and whether pineapple belongs on pizza (it does, fight me). It’s easy to feel like you’re fumbling. That’s not fraud; that’s growth.
Fun sidebar: pineapple-on-pizza debates aside, I was once in a relationship where my partner loved escape rooms. My feelings? Meh. But instead of spiraling into I’m not adventurous enough for them, I grew into it. I said yes to something outside my comfort zone. Did I escape the room? Barely. But the smiles when I cracked one tiny clue reminded me that trying matters more than mastery.
Step 3: Stop Comparing Your “Bloopers” to Everyone Else’s Highlight Reel
Oh, Instagram. The great impostor syndrome amplifier. We’ve all done it—scrolled through picture-perfect couples hiking Machu Picchu or gazing lovingly at each other in coordinated outfits, thinking, Well, I’ve clearly failed because I spent last Saturday binge-watching baking shows in my sweatpants.
Here’s the thing: half the time, those couples are also having arguments over where to get lunch. The other half of the time, they’re editing their fourth “candid” selfie. Don’t believe the hype.
But comparison culture doesn’t stop there. It extends to your partner, too. You start measuring yourself against the imaginary pedestal you’ve put them on—They’re so funny/smart/accomplished; I’m just here hoping nobody notices I forgot my work password again. NEWSFLASH: They aren’t perfect either. You’re just hypercritical of yourself while giving everyone else the benefit of the doubt. Balance the scales.
Step 4: Embrace Your Flaws (Like, For Real)
So, here’s a lesson I learned the hard way: pretending to be flawless is exhausting. Early on in relationships, there’s this unspoken pressure to try to seem cool, composed, and like the kind of person who never accidentally leaves the stove on low for four hours (hypothetically, of course). But here’s the thing: your quirks don’t make you an impostor—they make you human.
Once, during a first date, I made the cringe-worthy mistake of recommending a book I hadn’t read yet. My date asked a very specific question about the ending...and I panicked. I admitted I’d read the back cover instead. Did they laugh at me? Yes. But they also thought it was charming.
Show your flaws—don’t apologize for them. Whether it’s a tendency to overshare, a weird obsession with reality TV, or the fact that you can’t eat soup without somehow spilling it, these quirks don’t disqualify you. They qualify you. Being unapologetically you is the difference between a connection that sticks and one that flakes.
Step 5: Celebrate What Makes You Awesome
This isn’t just feel-good advice. Research shows that intentionally reflecting on your strengths boosts self-confidence. So take a moment. Ask yourself: What do I bring to the table? Humor? Empathy? A stellar grilled cheese recipe? Write it down. It might feel awkward, but it works.
Now, take it a step further. Start noticing the things your partner or others in your life light up about when they’re with you. The way your partner snorts when you make a bad pun. The way your best friend calls when they need advice. Impostor syndrome will try to overshadow these moments, but these are the real indicators of your worth.
The Bottom Line: Everyone’s Faking Something, Sometimes
Here’s one last comforting truth: nobody has it completely together. That couple hiking Machu Picchu? They have bad hair days and existential crises, too. Your partner? They’re probably wondering how on earth they got so lucky to be with you. You don’t need to have all the answers or be perfect—you just need to show up and keep trying.
And while self-doubt doesn’t vanish overnight, each time you actively challenge it, you take a step closer to owning your awesomeness. So here’s my advice: Throw your quirks, flaws, and charms in the mix. Stop aiming for imaginary perfection and focus on being the expert of your own story. That’s the stuff real connections are made of, and trust me—you’ve got it in you.
