Sometimes, loving yourself feels like trying to fold a fitted sheet—confusing, frustrating, and leaving you wondering, “Wait, does anyone actually know how to do this?” When I decided, in my early thirties, that it was time to stop critiquing everything about myself like a Netflix series I low-key hate-watched, I realized self-love wasn’t just going to show up uninvited. I wasn’t going to wake up one morning, look in the mirror, and smile beatifically like I was starring in a toothpaste ad.

No, loving myself—or just liking myself on most days—was going to take work. And, let me tell you, it’s the kind of work that’s often messy, sometimes tender, and occasionally absurd. Here’s how I went from being my own worst critic to actually enjoying the awkward company I see in my reflection.

The Haunting of Past Perfectionism

I grew up in a hardworking coal-mining family where perfection wasn’t the goal—it was survival. Every penny was pressed tight, and every task done right the first time, because mistakes cost time we didn’t have. Somewhere between hauling firewood and getting scolded for forgetting my chores, I internalized a pretty twisted belief: that I had to be flawless to be accepted. If there was a crack in my armor, someone, somehow, would see it and turn away.

Fast forward to my twenties, and this belief showed up like an uninvited Tinder match, lurking over every decision I made. Twisting my hair at a party? “You’re trying too hard.” Messed up the PowerPoint in a work meeting? “Everyone probably thinks you’re lazy.” Perfectionism became my shadow. It fueled my relationships—or torched them—and dictated my career moves. I was exhausted.

Here’s the thing about perfectionism: it doesn’t get you closer to “perfect.” It gets you closer to burning out. It certainly keeps you from learning how to love yourself when every misstep feels like proof you’re not enough.

My "Rom-Com Meet-Cute" With Therapy

I won’t lie; therapy wasn’t my idea at first. My cousin Carol—bless her—showed up one Christmas with brochures for therapists “perfect for small-town boys.” She was delicate, but I got the hint. Initially, it wasn’t like those scenes in the movies where the character unloads their deepest secrets and has a life-changing breakthrough. It felt more like standing in the gym for the first time and realizing you have no idea what to do with a kettlebell.

But this one session changed everything for me. My therapist looked me straight in the eye after my fiftieth “I should have done this” and said, “James, who told you being human wasn’t good enough?” I didn’t have an answer. This moment was like being in that newsroom back in West Virginia where we had one fan, summers were sweltering, and someone finally said, “Hey, maybe we should open the window.” The pressure eased. I realized: I was allowed to be a little imperfect. More importantly, I was allowed to be me.

Breaking Up With the Inner Critic

Loving yourself means kicking out that inner critic who’s taken up residence in your brain rent-free for years. But here’s what nobody tells you: that little voice is persistent, like the stray cat your mom insists on feeding (and then wonders why it won’t leave).

To silence mine, I needed to get proactive. I started journaling—yes, the old-fashioned pen-to-paper kind. The first few entries were basically roast sessions of myself, which wasn’t helpful, but over time, I experimented. Each night, I’d write one thing I liked about myself. The first week’s entries were tepid: “Your coffee-making skills are… above average.” But by the third month, I was laying it on thick: “Hey, James, you’re smart and funny, and you nailed that op-ed today.”

It felt silly at first. Honestly, some days it still does. But this simple, repetitive act retrained my inner voice from “James, you’re a disaster” to “James, you’re doing alright—maybe even great.” I realized loving yourself wasn’t a declaration, but a practice.

The Power of Doing Weird Stuff Alone

Another breakthrough happened during a phase of life I lovingly call my “Solo Shenanigans Summer.” By this point, I’d moved to coastal Maine—land of epic sunrises and lobster rolls too expensive for actual locals—and I was determined to be okay by myself. So, I made it a mission: do one weird thing alone every week.

Sometimes, that just meant learning how to forage for wild blueberries on a hike. Other times, it took more gumption. Like the time I showed up to a pottery class and molded a clay bowl so lopsided it looked like something slapped together during Medieval Times. But here’s the thing: I never felt judged (maybe a little pitied, if I’m honest). No one was watching as critically as I was. And by the end, I was laughing at myself—a luxury I used to reserve only for close friends.

Turns out, showing yourself grace and letting yourself fail is essential to loving who you are. Who knew a wonky bowl could teach you all that?

Practical Self-Love Practices (That Don’t Feel Like a Self-Help Seminar)

If you’re working on self-love, here’s what I’ve learned works best:

  • Start Small, Celebrate Big
    If all you did today was get out of bed, congrats—you did it. Treat yourself to an ice cream. (Make it the expensive kind.) Small wins accumulate, and they deserve to be celebrated.

  • Stop Listening to Your Inner Troll
    Got a creepy self-criticism lurking in your head? Call it out. Give it a ridiculous name—Mine’s Greg—and tell it to sit down every time it rears up. Pro tip: Greg hates confidence.

  • Embrace Your Awkwardness
    Perfection is overrated, and awkward people are more fun anyway. Dance to Fleetwood Mac in your kitchen like nobody’s scrolling through their FYP judging you.

  • Try Stuff That Scares You a Little
    Take that painting class. Sing karaoke to Shania Twain, badly. Walk into the corn maze alone. When you challenge yourself, you realize you’re capable of a lot more than you give yourself credit for.

  • Talk to Yourself Like You’d Talk to Your Best Friend
    If you wouldn’t tell your bestie that “those jeans make you look lumpy,” don’t say it to yourself, either. My go-to mantra: “We’re all just winging it, and you’re doing just fine.”

The Love You Deserve Starts With You

The truth is, self-love isn’t a linear process. Somedays, I feel like a glorious work of art. Other days, I’m Nicholas Cage in a straight-to-streaming thriller—still trying, but rough around the edges. What matters is persistence.

I’ll leave you with this: Like any meaningful relationship, learning to love yourself involves patience, laughter, and offering forgiveness when things go off the rails. You don’t need to be perfect for connection—not in dating, not in friendships, and certainly not with yourself. So, pull yourself in close, breathe deeply, and remember: it’s okay to be a little messy. Maybe even lopsided, like my first clay bowl.