Do you ever look back on a moment in life and think, “Whew, if I had known then what I know now, I’d have saved myself from a whole mess of stress, heartbreak, and bad Tinder dates?” Same, my friend. Life, love, and all the messy in-between doesn’t come with a user manual—and if it did, I’m convinced it would be riddled with typos. Over the years, I’ve stumbled, fumbled, and face-planted my way through enough lessons to fill a book. Okay, technically, I did write a book, but that’s beside the point. For now, grab your coffee, glass of wine, or whatever helps you settle in, because I’m about to serve five lessons I wish someone had handed me on a laminated card about 15 years ago.

Ready? Let’s dive in.

1. Make Peace With Saying “No”

Picture this: You’re in your early 20s, someone invites you to a party, and even though your energy level is giving “homebody introvert,” you say yes because… why not? Fast forward to you in the corner of this party, holding a half-empty Solo cup, questioning every choice that led you there. Been there.

When I was younger, I thought saying “yes” all the time was the ultimate social flex—the thing that would make me more likable or boost my fear of missing out. But you know what saying “yes” to everything really does? It burns you out faster than Beyoncé tickets selling out on Ticketmaster. Life (and your peace) gets so much better when you learn that “no” is a complete sentence. You don’t owe anyone an elaborate explanation for why you’re protecting your vibe.

And let’s be honest: a no to someone else is usually a yes to yourself. That, my friend, is the balance we’re aiming for.

2. Love Yourself First, Even If It’s a Slow Burn

If my younger self could see me now, he’d roll his eyes and tune me out, but here goes: There isn’t a relationship, a crush, or an “almost” situation in the world that can fill the space self-love is meant to occupy. Look, I get it—it’s incredibly tempting to merge your identity into someone else’s when they make your heart flutter and your Instagram posts pop. I’ve written sonnets (well, sad Tumblr posts) about it.

But here's the tea: You cannot skip the work of building yourself and expect someone else to magically complete the puzzle. Before someone can truly love and respect you, you need to be at least halfway there with yourself. Loving yourself isn’t some magical epiphany—it’s a practice. It’s telling that “inner hater” in your brain to pipe down when it says you aren’t good enough. It’s looking in the mirror and realizing you deserve joy, respect, and affirmation on your own terms—not just as somebody’s better half.

3. Compatibility > Chemistry

I’ll admit it: I used to think fireworks were a sign of true love. Blame it on too many rom-coms or Luther Vandross lyrics floating through my childhood home. But here’s what I learned after too many fiery relationships that went up in smoke: Chemistry can light a spark, but compatibility keeps the fire burning.

Here’s the distinction that took me years to figure out: Chemistry is that electric pull you feel—it’s the butterflies, the “can’t stop texting” energy, that shared love of early 2000s R&B. Compatibility, on the other hand, is deeper. It’s about shared values, respect, similar goals for the future, and how the two of you handle stress when life gets real. Chemistry can set the tone for that ’90s “love at first sight” fantasy, but compatibility is the foundation for a love that lasts longer than a free trial subscription.

Ask yourself: Can y’all have boring conversations without the vibe fizzling? If you’re drowning in sparks but can’t build a life together, you might need to let it go. Marinate on that.

4. Healing is Not Linear (And That’s Okay)

If you’ve ever done the ugly cry in your car after hearing Adele’s “Someone Like You” post-breakup, this one’s for you. Healing from heartbreak isn’t a straight line—it’s a messy, unpredictable dance. When my first love and I broke up, I thought I’d be fine after three weeks and a good playlist. Spoiler alert: I was very, very wrong.

Some days, you’ll wake up singing Lizzo lyrics, fully ready to be the main character in your life. Other days, an old photo or song will pull you under like emotional quicksand. Both are valid parts of the process. I had to learn that healing isn’t about “getting over” someone; it’s about finding your way back to yourself. And you don’t owe anyone perfection while you navigate that.

Remember: You’re allowed to feel it all. Grief and growth can coexist, and honestly? The growth is often born from the grief. Take your time—you’re not on a deadline.

5. Never Shrink Yourself to Fit Someone Else’s Story

If I had a nickel for every time I dimmed my light to make someone else comfortable, I’d have enough to fund a Beyoncé world tour. Growing up in the South, there was always this subtle (and sometimes not-so-subtle) pressure to “fit in.” Act straight. Speak quieter. Dress “normal.” I internalized a lot of that in my younger years, thinking I needed to be less myself to earn love, acceptance, or even simple respect.

Here’s the thing: Shrinking yourself doesn’t make people love you more—it just makes you bitter. At some point in my twenties, I realized that living fully as myself—gay, Black, outspoken, and fabulous—was my superpower, not my liability. The folks who can’t handle all that you are are not your people anyway. Period.

The right relationships—be they friendly, romantic, or family-connected—don’t ask you to cut off pieces of yourself to belong. They encourage you to shine unapologetically. Let your light be bright. Whoever can’t handle the glow? That’s their problem.

Wrapping It All Up With a Bow

If I could sum up all these lessons in one bite-sized nugget, it’s this: You are allowed to show up fully in your messy, growing, ever-learning glory. Life will teach you (sometimes painfully) that self-love, boundaries, and authenticity are non-negotiable. And while some lessons take years to learn, every misstep brings you closer to the version of yourself you’re meant to be.

We all have moments where we wish we could go back and drop some wisdom on our younger selves. But you know what? It’s never too late to recalibrate, to decide you deserve better, or to finally step into the love you’ve been waiting to give yourself.

So, here’s your permission slip: Own it all. Embrace the journey. No cheat code required.