The Things I Can’t Live Without

Before we dive into my non-negotiables, let me paint you a picture: It’s a crisp Brooklyn morning, and I’m walking down Nostrand Avenue with a cup of coffee cradled in my hand like it’s a family heirloom. I’ve got on my most comfortable sneakers—the kind that have seen both heartbreak and the kind of joy you only feel when you hear shouts of “Jollof rice is ready!” from the kitchen. Life is a patchwork quilt of big moments and the small things that get us through them. These are the “small things” I can’t imagine life—or love—without.

1. My Mom’s Life Advice (Often Delivered Mid-Cooking)
Whenever I call my mom, it takes all of five seconds for me to hear the rhythmic sound of onions sizzling in oil—it’s like her unofficial ringtone. And somewhere between frying plantains and reminding me to pray more, she’ll casually drop wisdom that feels like it could write a bestseller.

“Malik, love is not about just finding the right person; it’s about building the right life,” she says. And honestly, I’m convinced she might be the unofficial co-author of half the self-help books I’ve read. Her advice isn't just grounding—it’s universal. You need people in your corner who can slice through your overthinking with the precision of a tomato being diced for stew.

Lesson learned: Surround yourself with wisdom, whether it comes from mom, grandma, or that auntie who calls you every Valentine’s Day to ask if you’re “still single.” You won’t always follow the advice, but you’ll appreciate having it when love gets messy—because trust me, it will.

2. Afrobeat Playlists
Few things can turn a bad day (or an awkward first date) around faster than hitting play on Fela Kuti or Burna Boy. Imagine this: You’re sautéing peppers for dinner, and “Ye” comes on. Suddenly, the whole kitchen feels like a party, and even chopping onions becomes an act of celebration.

Afrobeat isn’t just music—it’s how I reclaim my joy. I’ve gone from heartbreak to healing faster than expected simply because Fela reminded me, “Water no get enemy.” Looking for a rhythm to sync your heartbeat with, whether single or coupled up? Start here. Trust me, the moves you think you don’t have will surface in no time.

Pro tip: If your date isn’t swaying by the first chorus of “Essence,” it’s not you—it’s them.

3. The Perfect Pair of White Sneakers
My battered pair of white sneakers is like a visual autobiography—they’ve survived Lagos traffic, Brooklyn winters, and a particularly disastrous attempt at salsa dancing in London. They’re not just shoes; they’re witness to the journey.

Whether it’s a walk-and-talk date or exploring a new street market that ends with me carrying way too many plantain chips, these sneakers come through. They’ve taught me the importance of comfort—not just in footwear, but in love. There’s nothing better than being with someone who feels as easy as your favorite pair of kicks: dependable, stylish, and surprisingly versatile.

4. Books That Break and Build Me
I was maybe eleven when I first read Things Fall Apart by Chinua Achebe. Sitting on a beat-up couch in Brooklyn, I felt like someone had reached across time and continents to tell my story. Decades later, I’m still the guy who finds himself in books. When it comes to love, Zadie Smith’s On Beauty taught me that relationships are messy, layered, and often painted in far-from-perfect strokes—and that’s okay.

Books are mirrors; they help you reflect on your own story while offering clarity on someone else’s. They’re also great conversation starters. Mentioning Adichie’s Americanah to someone who’s read it will unlock a deeper connection—it’s like cracking a personal code.

Pro tip: Keep a well-read copy of your favorite book handy for those moments when you need to escape—or impress.

5. My Dad’s Obsession with Fixing Things
“There is no problem a wrench and determination can’t solve,” my dad once declared, dramatically wagging a wrench at me like it was a sword. Of course, he was talking about unclogging the sink, but the sentiment stuck. Growing up, I’d watch him repair radios, build furniture, and stitch torn clothes. He had this unshakable belief that things could always be mended.

Turns out, love and relationships are a lot like busted radios. They require patience and a willingness to adapt, troubleshoot, and, sometimes, take things apart to understand how they work. I’ve carried this mindset into the way I approach people. It doesn’t mean ignoring red flags (because some things can’t be fixed), but it’s a reminder to choose effort over ease when something or someone matters.

6. A Sunday Night Tradition – Jollof and Jazz
There’s a magic that happens when I combine the smoky, spicy aroma of jollof rice with the buttery tones of John Coltrane on a Sunday evening. It’s my reset button—the ritual that reminds me to savor slow moments and reflect on the week ahead. It’s also the moment where I allow myself to dream about exciting connections or dwell on responses I could have sent that cute woman whose number my friend forced me to ask for.

You might have different ingredients for your perfect tradition—Netflix and takeout, candles and crossword puzzles—but carve out that moment of intentional care. Love is sweeter when you’ve spent time loving yourself first.

7. My Passport
Growing up in Lagos taught me the importance of roots, but moving to Brooklyn taught me the value of wings. My passport isn’t just a document; it’s my ticket to new perspectives, foods, and love stories—some more memorable than others (a crush in London almost convinced me to like Marmite).

Travel, for me, isn’t about distance—it’s about stepping outside the familiar. It’s what keeps me curious and romantic. It’s what helps me see the world—and myself—in new ways. Even a day trip upstate can feel like an adventure when you lean into the possibility of the unknown.

8. A Good Sense of Humor (My Own, Hopefully)
Look, dating is fantastic, but also weird. Case in point: One time, during an otherwise great dinner date, my date dropped this gem—“So you’re Nigerian, right? Do you eat lions over there?” Now, I could’ve let my expression do the talking, but instead, I deadpanned, “Only on Thursdays.” Her laughter melted the awkwardness, and in that moment, I realized how humor can build bridges.

Learning to laugh in uncomfortable moments—or at yourself—will carry you through many of love’s unpredictable twists. Nothing makes heartbreak lighter or joy fuller than the ability to find humor in the chaos.

9. The Right People in My Corner
Some things aren’t things at all. My best friends are scattered across time zones, but they’ll drop everything if I need a laugh, advice, or a reminder that I’m not entirely hopeless in matters of the heart. A group chat that oscillates between deep advice on masculinity and why Lola’s jollof is better than mine? Priceless.

My people remind me of one simple truth: love—romantic or not—is about showing up. Find your crew. Nurture them like you would a precious plant (or your sneaker collection). They’re the foundation for every great laugh, deep connection, and solid rebound.

The Takeaway: Build a Life You Love
At the end of the day, the things I can’t live without are less about the objects themselves and more about the feelings they evoke—comfort, connection, curiosity, and clarity. When you surround yourself with things (and people) that feel as necessary as Saturday jollof or Sunday jazz, those relationships, romantic or otherwise, will thrive.

So, what can’t you live without? Find the answer—and hold it tight. That’s where the magic lives.