I used to think love was like a sunset over the Pacific—effortless, beautiful, inevitable. Something you just sat back and watched unfold. Turns out, love is more like learning to surf. It looks graceful from the shore, but the second you try it, you're smacked in the face by a wave, spit out by the ocean, and coughing up saltwater in front of strangers. Romantic, right? Over the years, through trial, error, and a few spectacular wipeouts, I’ve picked up some lessons about love, dating, and relationships that I wish I’d known sooner. And while these lessons didn’t come with a neatly laminated manual, they’re worth sharing—saltwater and all.

1. Be Real, Not Perfect

When I was younger, I believed in the myth of curating perfection. Whether it was showing up to a first date with perfectly tousled hair (thank you, Santa Monica sea breeze) or presenting my most charming, well-adjusted self, I thought love required a polished version of me. Spoiler: It doesn’t.

You know what does work? Sharing that you reheated Thai takeout three times last week because you’re terrible at meal prep. Or that you cried during a rerun of The Great British Bake Off because the sponge cake—not even yours—collapsed. Vulnerability beats perfection every time. It’s endearing, and more importantly, it’s real.

The iceberg theory applies to love, too. What’s below the surface—the messy bits most people don’t lead with—is what makes the whole thing float. So ditch the idea of being flawless. The right person will find charm in your quirks (even if one of those quirks is eating chips and guac straight out of the mixing bowl).

2. Romantic Ideals Are Built for Happy Endings, Not Happy Relationships

I grew up in a household that appreciated grand gestures. Think fundraisers in sprawling backyards, catered hors d’oeuvres under twinkle lights, and friends in linen suits toasting to “a love that will last forever.” So naturally, my early dating life found me chasing Nicholas Sparks-level romance: fiery declarations, serendipitous meetings, The Notebook in real life.

But here’s the deal: while a choreographed “run through the rain” moment sounds amazing, relationships are more about who’s holding the umbrella with you in the drizzle. Sparks fade (yes, even the ones with Ryan Gosling cameo potential), but choosing someone who shows up on a Tuesday when you’re cranky and the dishwasher is broken? That’s the real magic.

Pro Tip: When dating, focus less on someone’s ability to create grand moments and more on their ability to handle small, unglamorous ones with kindness. Transparently acknowledging the difference between Hollywood romance and real-life partnership saved me a whole romance’s worth of frustration.

3. Compatibility Does Not Mean Carbon Copy

Back when I was in my Fleetwood Mac obsession era (okay, I’m still in it), I thought finding someone who loved the same things as me was the ultimate compatibility test. Shared playlists, identical hobbies, coordinated philosophies on kale—wasn’t that the dream?

Nope.

While shared interests are a bonus, I’ve learned it’s differences that keep relationships interesting. My one-time girlfriend loved game nights and brewery hopping—two things I was absolutely not into at the time. At first, I resisted. But then? I learned how to viciously dominate at Codenames and discovered a new favorite stout. I challenged her to join me on beach hikes, and we both grew from stretching beyond our usual rhythms.

Relationships flourish not because you’re each other’s twin flame, but because you learn to fan one another’s flames in different ways.

4. Silence Isn’t Awkward. Indifference Is.

We’ve all been there—on a date, during a drive, or mid-conversation when the silence rolls in like San Francisco fog. At first, it’s intimidating. You’ll scramble for a joke, a trivia fact, or a question about their childhood dog. Anything to fill the void. I used to think silences were a failure of connection.

But here’s what I’ve found: silence with the right person isn’t awkward at all. It’s a kind of intimacy that doesn’t need words—a space where you can catch your breath and just be. (Think of it as the sustainable energy source of relationships.) The real red flag isn’t silence; it’s indifference disguised as politeness. You know—the moments when they nod at your story but don't ask a follow-up question or when their laugh stops just short of genuine. True connection has nothing to do with constant chatter and everything to do with shared presence.

5. Learn the Difference Between Sacrificing and Compromising

Let me take you back to an exceptionally misguided chapter of my life—a period I fondly refer to as “The I’m Fine Era.” On the surface, I was the picture of easygoing: “Oh, you want sushi again? Sure!” “You didn’t text for three days? No problem!” Inside, though, resentment brewed. Why? Because I equated compromise with self-sacrifice, thinking they were the same thing.

Here’s the distinguishing factor: Compromise stems from mutual respect, where both sides offer something to keep the boat steady. Sacrifice is when one person keeps paddling while the other lounges. I’ll never forget the moment I learned this in my graduate years, while watching friends who navigated differences with grace. They didn’t just tolerate their partner’s needs—they made room for them while prioritizing their own in the process.

Practice this: When a situation arises that tests your patience or preferences, pause and ask yourself, “Am I doing this because I want to, or because I think I should?” Love, when done well, is always a two-way street.

6. Don’t Enter a Relationship Hoping to Fix Someone—or Be Fixed

Dating is not a DIY home improvement project. I’m cringing now, but there was a time I thought I could swoop into someone’s life like a human version of a Home Depot toolkit, sanding the rough edges, repainting the cracks, and ultimately making them...better. Naturally, that plan didn’t go well. People don’t want to be fixed—they want to be seen, heard, and accepted exactly as they are.

The same goes for you. No partner should be assigned the superhero role of fixing your life. Go to therapy, take up journaling, get into yoga—do whatever you need to sort your own baggage before asking someone to carry it with you. Relationships work best when both people arrive as complete individuals, not puzzle pieces trying to jam themselves together.

7. Don’t Be Afraid to Walk Away (Even if the Beach House Is Cute)

I once dated someone whose life felt like a Wes Anderson screenplay. They had the retro car, vinyl records, and a knack for hosting dreamy, Pinterest-worthy cocktail nights. I stayed in the relationship far longer than I should have, charmed not by our connection, but by the aesthetic of their world. (Spoiler No. 2: Relationships built on vibes alone don’t last.)

If a relationship doesn’t meet your emotional needs, leave. You’re not obligated to stay just because the metaphorical set design is stunning. Letting go doesn’t mean failure—it means prioritizing a relationship inside your own life over one that only looks good on the outside.

The Takeaway

The advice I’d give my younger self—and now, you—is simple: Be gentle with your heart, but unapologetically assertive in pursuing what you deserve. Whether that’s the person who saves you the last slice of pizza, the one who laughs at your terrible dad jokes, or the one who teaches you a new board game, love should always feel like a partnership—not a performance.

And if it takes a few tumbles on the surfboard before you find it? That’s okay. The ocean always has another wave.