Lessons I Wish I Knew Earlier

We’ve all been there—sitting across from someone who looks great on paper but, in reality, feels about as thrilling as a lukewarm cup of chamomile tea. Or maybe you’ve found yourself in a situationship that felt like deciphering an IKEA manual—confusing, fruitless, and requiring way too much effort. Let’s face it, relationships (or attempting to build them) are messy. They’re beautiful, hilarious, and sometimes downright chaotic.

If I could slide into my younger self’s DMs, here’s what I’d send her, complete with timestamps, a few emojis for good measure, and the occasional “NOOO.” These lessons didn’t just come from awkward first dates or dazzling heartbreaks—they came from growth, culture, and the wisdom of the people I’ve loved. Let’s get into it.

1. The “Nice Guy/Girl” Trap Isn’t What You Think

Let’s unravel this one together: Being nice is a baseline, not a selling point. Seriously. “Nice” is the sugar-free gum of personality traits—appreciated, sure, but unlikely to spark fireworks. I used to think if someone was “nice,” that meant they deserved my full consideration. After all, weren’t we taught to value kindness above all?

But here’s the rub: niceness is passive. It doesn’t mean they’re a great match for you, share your values, or have the depth you’re looking for. I learned this the hard way while dating someone who always opened doors for me (5/5 politeness) but refused to open up about his feelings.

The takeaway? Generosity, curiosity, emotional maturity—that’s the gold standard. Nice? It’s just the cover charge.

2. Listen to the Underneath Not the Words

Let me paint you a picture: I once dated someone who said, “I’m not ready for a relationship right now.” Guess what I heard? “I’m not ready for a relationship right this second, but if I wait patiently, like a protagonist in a slow-burn rom-com, they’ll change their mind.” Spoiler alert: they didn’t.

When people tell you something about their limits, listen. Don’t mentally rewrite the script into what you want it to be. Those words—“right now,” “not yet,” or “I’m broken”—aren’t challenges for you to fix; they’re boundaries for you to respect.

And yes, I learned this lesson after approximately 1.5 emotionally taxing “I can change their mind” projects. Never again.

3. Compatibility Is Like Cooking—It’s All About the Ingredients

Imagine cooking a meal. You’ve got your onions and garlic sizzling in olive oil (a.k.a. sparks and chemistry), but then you realize you’ve accidentally added peanut butter and Brussels sprouts into the pan. Some people might love the combination, but it’s a hard pass for you. Relationships are the same: it doesn’t matter how great the individual ingredients are—if the mix doesn’t work for you, it’s going to taste... off.

Take your non-negotiables seriously and know your recipe. For me? Humor paired with a love of storytelling is non-negotiable. If someone can laugh at the absurdities in life and appreciate the tales we carve out of chaos, we’re off to a good start. Mr. Peanut Butter Brussels Sprouts? Not so much.

4. Stop Romancing Potential

Oh, my younger self—a true dreamer. I used to look at people and think, “Sure, they aren’t emotionally available right now, but imagine the person they could be.” If there were Olympic medals for romancing people’s potential, I’d have several golds by now.

Here’s the cold, hard truth: dating someone for their potential is like buying a half-renovated house and assuming the kitchen will renovate itself. It won’t. That’s not to say people don’t grow, but you can’t build a relationship based on what might happen. Love people as they are today. If they’re focused more on their “hustle” than building a healthy connection with you, don’t invest your emotional real estate.

5. A Little Mystery Is Good—Too Much Is a Red Flag

I used to think enigmatic people were irresistible. You know the type—their answers are vague, their text replies come with hours of buffer time, and their Instagram is a cryptic collection of sunsets and half-read books. How poetic, right? Wrong.

Yes, a little mystery can spark intrigue. But if someone feels like you’re piecing together a puzzle from three different boxes, it’s time to walk. Ambiguity often equals emotional unavailability or just plain inconsideration. Watch out for people treating you like an unpaid intern for their social mysteries.

6. Sometimes It’s Them. Sometimes It’s You.

I know, deeply uncomfortable truth alert. It’s easy to sit on the moral high ground after a breakup and think, “It was all them!” But self-reflection is crucial. Here’s one for the books: I once broke up with someone because they didn’t share my level of excitement for visiting old bookstores. Did I use that very specific incompatibility to justify other issues? Absolutely.

The lesson here isn’t to beat yourself up—it’s to pay attention to the patterns you bring into relationships. Are you constantly playing the fixer? Do you tend to avoid difficult conversations? Getting to know yourself honestly is one of the most loving things you can do both for you and for your future relationships.

7. Communication Isn’t Sexy—But It’s Everything

Okay, I admit, younger me would have rolled my eyes at this one. But story time: One of the most romantic things that has ever happened to me involved... Calendars and Google Docs. A partner wanted to make sure he wouldn’t miss important life events, so he set up a calendar to remember everything from family birthdays to deadlines—and even “our favorite weekend getaway spots.” Cue the swoon.

Clear, honest communication isn’t flashy, but it sets the stage for your connection to flourish. Ghosting? Mixed signals? Emotional games? Leave those plotlines for soap operas. If someone wants to build with you, they’ll show you.

8. You Deserve to Take Up Space in Love

Many of us are taught—directly or indirectly—to shrink ourselves in relationships. Speak softer, be easier, never rock the boat. But love isn’t about disappearing into someone else’s shadow. I learned this lesson from my grandmother, who’d sit cross-legged on the porch sipping tea and say things like, “Love is finding someone who loves your loud stories and your quiet doubts.”

Take up space. Be you—unapologetically. The right relationship won’t demand that you over-edit yourself, like a nervous author trimming a manuscript down to nothing. You get to love, and be loved, just as boldly as you wish.

Final Thoughts: Your Journey, Your Lessons

Dating and relationships don’t come with a manual, which is probably why heartbreak has become one of the most universal human experiences. But here’s the thing I hope you carry with you: it’s not about being perfect; it’s about learning. Every slip-up, every awkward conversation, every wrong turn—each one makes you sharper, wiser, more you.

And on those tough days, remember this: The people who matter will meet you where you are. They’ll laugh at your awful puns, honor your quirks, and stay when things get unpretty. So dust yourself off, take these lessons, and go forth. The best is yet to come.