“You know what they don’t tell you about relationships?” I said to my friend Sarah over coffee one sunny Boulder afternoon. “They’re like camping: no matter how much you prepare, you’re still going to step in something gross, burn your marshmallows, and wonder if that noise outside the tent is a bear or just the wind.”

She laughed, but I wasn’t joking. Dating and relationships are messy, unpredictable, and–at least in my experience–always a little unglamorous. And yet, they’re also deeply rewarding and full of lessons I wish I’d learned just a little sooner.

So, here’s the wisdom I’ve pieced together through trial, error, and plenty of face-palm-worthy moments. Let this guide serve as a map–or at least a decent trailhead–for navigating the wild terrain of human connection.

1. Love Isn’t Found; It’s Built (And It’s Nothing Like a Rom-Com)

For years, I thought love would feel like that scene in 10 Things I Hate About You where Heath Ledger serenades Julia Stiles with “Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” in front of the entire school. Cue the brass section, right? But real love isn’t a grand gesture–it’s a series of quieter moments that build over time. It’s someone remembering you hate cilantro and ordering the salsa verde on the side. It’s showing up for each other, over and over again, even when it’s inconvenient.

The lesson here? Stop searching for “the one” like they’re a rare species of bird. Start focusing on the smaller, everyday ways you and someone else can be kind, patient, and consistent. Not feeling fireworks on the second date? That’s okay. Sometimes love grows slowly, like those little patches of alpine moss clinging to rock crevices. Kind of scrappy, but ultimately resilient.

2. Communication is Sexy (No, Really)

I used to think “good chemistry” was all about witty banter, smoldering glances, and shared playlists full of Bon Iver and Brandi Carlile. But here’s the honest truth: chemistry means nothing if you can’t talk openly about the hard stuff.

Case in point: I once spent an entire two-year relationship repressing my feelings about how much I hated their habit of clipping toenails on the couch. (Oh, the cringe.) Instead of saying something early on, I let resentment snowball until all I could think about was the sound of those toenail clippers. The breakup was inevitable.

Now, I approach conversations like I approach trail maintenance. That little overgrowth may seem minor today, but left unchecked, it’s going to block your view and ruin the hike. Address issues early, listen more than you speak, and for the love of all things holy, never weaponize someone’s vulnerability. The ability to communicate honestly is hotter than abs and a six-pack of craft beer combined.

3. Rejection Is Not A Reflection (And It’s Not a Boulder-Sized Boulder to Haul Around)

Boulder is a town full of climbers, and if you hear someone say “project,” they might mean a rock face they’re trying to conquer for weeks on end. My romantic life used to be a lot like that: clinging desperately to something (or someone) that ultimately wasn’t meant for me. Every bad date, every rejection? It felt personal, like an indication that I wasn’t good enough, interesting enough, or something-enough.

But here’s what I’ve come to understand: rejection isn’t about you; it’s about compatibility. Sometimes, you’re just not someone’s cup of mate tea–and that’s okay. It doesn’t mean you’re broken or unlovable. It just means you’re not for them.

Instead of clinging to what didn’t work, take rejection as a gentle nudge in a different direction. The right person will see you for the full, complicated, wonderful human that you are–and they’ll want to climb that metaphorical mountain with you.

4. The Right Person Will See Your Weird, and Probably Love It

When I was 24, I took someone on a date to an environmental documentary about invasive zebra mussels. Spoiler alert: they did not call me back. At the time, I was devastated, convinced I’d miscalculated what was “cool” or “normal.” In hindsight, I realize I just brought the wrong kind of person into my kind of space.

Fast-forward to a few years later, when I met someone who willingly followed me to a lecture on regenerative agriculture and found it as fascinating as I did. (Reader, we dated for three years.)

The world makes us feel like we have to sand down our edges to be attractive–like we need to cram ourselves into this social media-approved mold of perfect candles, perfectly lit selfies, and perfectly curated interests. But actually, your quirks are what make you memorable. Whether you’re obsessed with old maps, turtlenecks, cryptic crosswords, or karaoke versions of Fleetwood Mac songs, give someone the opportunity to love you by showing them who you really are.

5. Alone Doesn’t Mean Lonely

Somewhere in my twenties, I learned the art of eating at a restaurant alone–and I swear it changed my life. There was something oddly empowering about sitting there with my book and ordering dessert (okay, two desserts just for fun). It felt daring and luxurious, like saying to the world, “Hey, I like my own company.”

Being single gets a bad rap, but it’s some of the best terrain for self-exploration. Not every chapter of your life needs to involve a co-star. Hike alone, camp solo, take yourself to an independent film just because you can. The stronger your relationship with yourself, the better positioned you’ll be to build something solid with someone else when the time comes.

6. It’s Okay to Want What You Want

This one took me a while to unlearn. For a long time, I believed compromise in relationships meant trying to please everyone else–agreeing to go to BBQ joints when I was craving vegetarian pho, pretending I loved live EDM shows when I’d rather be in a quiet bookstore. Somewhere along the way, I stopped honoring my own needs.

I get it: we want to be easygoing, likable, agreeable. But there’s a difference between compromise and self-erasure. The right relationship isn’t about giving up what makes you happy; it’s about finding ways for both of you to coexist, quirks and all. Someone out there is going to think the way you parallel-park is endearing (even if it takes multiple tries), and they won’t begrudge you for loving veggie pho. Keep holding out for that person.

7. Have Fun. Seriously, Just Have Fun.

Years ago on a hiking trip, I watched my dad dance barefoot around a campfire while burning marshmallows on purpose (don’t ask). When I asked why he didn’t at least try to toast them properly, he shrugged and said, “It’s just sugar, buddy. Keep it sweet.”

I think about that moment a lot, especially when dating gets overwhelming or disappointing. Relationships are hard, sure. But they’re also a place to play, to laugh, and to feel alive. Maybe your date says something awkward, or they show up wearing Crocs, or you accidentally call the waiter “mom” in front of them. Who cares? Keep it sweet.

At the end of the day, this journey is messy and imperfect. And thank goodness for that, right? Life, love, and campfire marshmallows are all better burnt around the edges anyway.

Here’s to the lessons that matter, the trails we walk–alone and together–and every wild, heart-filled step along the way. You’ve got this.