Introduction: Why Didn’t Anyone Tell Me?!

I wish I could go back in time and give my younger self the pep talk of the century — possibly while holding cafecito in one hand and shaking her by the shoulders with the other. There are lessons I fumbled my way through (usually while wearing bad eyeliner during my early 20s), lessons I learned while ugly crying over doomed situationships, and lessons passed down by my abuela over a heaping plate of arroz y frijoles. Relationships are tricky, beautiful, messy, and, at their best, completely worth it.

But here’s the thing: no one hands you a user manual for love and connection. You learn as you go, and if you’re lucky, you figure out what actually matters before repeating the same mistakes for the umpteenth time. On that note, here are the lessons I wish someone had slipped into my inbox — a cheat sheet of sorts — before I stumbled into adulthood pretending I had it all figured out. Because, spoiler alert: I absolutely did not.

1. Listen, Chemistry Isn’t a Green Light on Its Own

Look, I love a firework-filled first date as much as the next person. There’s nothing quite like locking eyes across the table and feeling your own personal telenovela soundtrack swelling in your head. But here’s what no rom-com tells you: sparks don’t always mean compatibility.

I once dated a guy who could make me laugh so hard my ribs ached — let’s call him “Javier.” Javier and I had undeniable chemistry, but disagreements between us could rival the drama of a “Casa de las Flores” soap opera. It didn’t matter how many swoon-worthy sunrise beach walks we had — fundamentally, we didn’t align on values.

Lesson learned: Chemistry isn’t everything. It’s glitter — fun, exciting, but not enough to build a foundation on its own. Compatibility is where the real gold is, so don’t be afraid to peek under the sparkle and ask the big questions early.

2. Red Flags Don’t Magically Turn Green with Time

True story: I once ignored a red flag so obvious it practically waved itself in my face like a car dealership inflatable man. The person was charming but consistently dismissive of my feelings — the kind of person who’d “jokingly” call out my quirks in public, leaving me weirdly hurt but brushing it off because “that’s just his sense of humor.”

Spoiler: It wasn’t his humor. It was a lack of respect. Red flags are like the arroz stuck to the bottom of the pot — if you ignore them, they’ll only get harder to clean up later.

Here’s your permission to walk away when your gut tells you something’s off. You don’t owe anyone your patience when your peace of mind is at stake.

3. Self-Love: Not Just Buzzwords on an Etsy Mug

I know, I know. The concept of “self-love” gets tossed around like seasoning on ropa vieja. But let me break it down: Self-love is not facemasks or spa days (though those are great). Self-love is setting boundaries, choosing people who uplift you, and refusing to apologize for taking up space in the world.

For me, self-love looked like unlearning the idea that being “low maintenance” was a badge of honor. Growing up in a culture that emphasized sacrifice, I thought love meant always putting someone else first. It took years (and too many nights of stomaching lukewarm feelings in exchange for validation) to learn that love starts with me.

When you love yourself fiercely, you stop negotiating for crumbs. You’ll stop agreeing to situationships that feel like leftovers and start inviting people who bring the whole damn feast to your table.

4. It’s Okay to Just... Be Alone

Raise your hand if you’ve ever stayed in a relationship a liiiiittle too long because the thought of being single gave you the heebie-jeebies. (Hi, it’s me, hand raised.) Society loves to make singlehood feel like some kind of pitstop on the way to eternal coupledom, but honestly? Being single is an underrated luxury.

When I moved to New York for an internship in my mid-20s, I had just ended a long-term relationship. I cried on the plane ride there, convinced I’d never fall in love again, à la Bridget Jones. But then something funny happened: I started enjoying my own company. I took myself on croqueta-fueled picnics in Central Park, stayed up all night devouring novels by nightlight, and danced solo in my tiny kitchen to Bad Bunny without worrying about who’d judge my moves.

Being single isn’t a pitstop. It’s time for you. Time to explore, refuel, check in with yourself, and fall completely, unapologetically in love with the person you’re becoming.

5. Not All Love Is Meant to Last a Lifetime

Some loves are soul-shaking, cinematic explosions. Others are quiet, fleeting moments that pass like waves on the shore. Both are valid. Both matter.

I’m going to let you in on something my abuela told me after my first heartbreak: “Mija, todo te enseña algo.” (Everything teaches you something.) The love that makes you, the love that breaks you, even the love that casually ghosted you on a Tuesday night — it all shapes who you are.

Instead of asking, “Why didn’t this last?” try asking, “What did this teach me?” Maybe it taught you patience. Maybe it reminded you what you deserve. Or maybe it’s just a chapter in your whole beautiful story, not the ending. Love doesn’t always stay, but it always leaves its mark — and that’s a gift in itself.

6. Your “Type” Might Be Holding You Back

Ah, the infamous “type.” For years, I thought mine was a creative, brooding intellectual who probably owned vintage records and wrote poetry that rhymed too much. Spoiler alert: my type was less Hemingway, more walking heartbreak factory.

It wasn’t until a friend nudged me to explore outside my usual mold that I met someone who flipped the script. If you keep chasing the same pattern and ending up in the same pitfall, it might be time to rethink what you’re looking for. Often, your “type” says more about your comfort zone than your compatibility.

Take a chance on someone who surprises you. Sometimes love doesn’t look like what you imagined — and that’s exactly the point.

The Takeaway: Be Brave, Be You

I won’t pretend I’ve got this whole love thing all figured out. I’m still learning, unlearning, and figuring it out as I go. But here’s what I know for sure: love — real, messy, beautiful love — starts and ends with you. Every step of the way.

So show up for yourself fully. Embrace the lessons, even when they’re tough. Laugh at your missteps (you’ll survive the bad dates). And above all? Don’t settle for anything less than the kind of love that feels like home, whether you find it in someone else, or in yourself.

Because no matter where your journey takes you, you’ve got this, amiga.