Lessons I Wish I Knew Earlier

Y’all, if I had a time machine to zip back to my younger self, first I’d tell her, “Girl, step away from that asymmetrical haircut—it’s not giving what you think it’s giving.” Then, I’d hand her a notebook full of lessons about love, dating, and relationships that would’ve saved me so many sleepless nights, bad text threads, and tearful screenings of The Notebook. But since I don’t have that time machine (yet), I’m handing you that notebook instead. Pull up a chair. Let’s chat.

"You Can't Fix Somebody With a Crush... or Love"

Ah, young Ebony. Always seeing potential where there were flashing red flags. We’ve all been there, haven’t we? You meet someone, and they’re funny, charming in that undone way, and full of just enough mystery to keep you intrigued. Sure, they ghost their college roommate on Venmo and haven’t been to the dentist since Obama’s first term, but they could be great, right?

Wrong. Listen, people aren’t fixer-upper houses on HGTV, and you’re not Chip Gaines with a hammer and some optimism. If they’re not meeting you where you are—with emotional maturity, respect, and consistency—don’t slap a coat of paint on their issues and call it love. I’ll save you the time: the “project partner” phase usually ends in frustration, exhaustion, and a wildly off-center argument about who forgot to bring the reusable grocery bags. Love them as they are or let them go.

"It’s Not About the Grand Gestures, Boo"

Let me tell you, Hollywood fed us some lies. I used to think love came in the form of dramatic speeches in the rain (lookin’ at you, rom-coms). But over time, I learned it’s less about the “kiss from a boombox above your window” and more about the little, everyday moments.

Take this: In Charleston summers, picnic dates feel like a dreamy idea but turn into sweaty mosquito-marathons in five minutes flat. I once dated someone who thought ahead and packed bug spray and a tiny fan for me. Y’all, forget the diamond necklaces—this still lives rent-free in my heart. So, don’t build a relationship waiting for rom-com moments. Look for the partner who remembers what snacks make your road trips better or reminds you of your grandmother’s story about sweetgrass baskets when you’re homesick. Those little things? They last way longer.

"Expectation Hangovers Are Real"

Let me paint the scene: You meet someone, and suddenly, your brain’s an HGTV makeover montage of what your relationship could look like. You’re a whole season deep into marrying their potential without even knowing their middle name. But somewhere between episode one (flirty texts) and episode nine (phantom wedding day Pinterest boards), they don’t quite measure up to the fairy tale you’ve scripted. Ouch.

Here’s a truth that humbled me: expectations are not the same as reality, and they don’t owe you a “next season.” I’ve learned to meet people with curiosity, not a mental checklist of what I need them to be. Expectations are sneaky little buggers—they’ll rob you of the chance to appreciate what’s real, flaws and all, if you let them.

"Compatibility Ain’t Chemistry, Sis"

Let me tell you about one of the smoothest talkers I’d ever met. We’ll call him Mr. Charisma. He could weave a story so compelling that I briefly forgot a critical fact: he wore flip-flops everywhere. And by everywhere, I mean brunch, movie dates, and once—once—to a black-tie event. The chemistry was real, but compatibility? Nonexistent.

Here’s the lesson: sparks can be distracting. They’re loud and shiny and fun, but they aren’t a substitute for shared goals, values, and patience. Ask yourself this: Could you road trip across Texas with this person without losing your mind? If you can’t get to “yes” on the basics, file that connection under “hot summer fling” and keep it pushing.

"Lessons Repeat Until Learned"

This one hit me like a Gullah proverb passed down at the dinner table. My grandma used to say, “You can’t outrun yourself, no matter how fast your feet.” Whew, did I feel that one every time I chose people who mirrored old patterns I was too scared to face. People who dazzled me quickly but couldn’t show up the way I deserved.

I finally had to sit myself down, sweet tea in hand, and do some uncomfortable reflecting. Am I choosing unavailable people because I’m afraid of being truly seen? Am I ignoring early cracks because I’m desperate for something to work? If the same lessons keep sneaking up behind you, it’s time to turn around and face them.

"Your Village Matters"

Let me tell you, relationships don’t exist in a vacuum—they live alongside your friends, family, and support system. And who better to call you out when you’re wearing rose-colored glasses than the friend who’ll literally snatch them off for you? (Shoutout to my college roommate who staged an intervention over chicken wings after one very questionable “situationship.”)

The trick isn’t just listening to the people who love you—it’s knowing who to trust. Your cheerleaders and your truth-tellers? Gold. Those who project their own baggage onto your love life? Less so. Build a village who roots for your happiness, not just your Instagram-worthy moments.

"You Deserve to Be Chosen Fully"

Now, here’s maybe the hardest lesson I’ve learned over the years: you are not running a race to win someone’s love. You don’t have to audition for their attention like you’re gunning for the lead in the church play. If they’re lukewarm about you, recognize your worth and step to the left, Beyoncé-style.

The best relationships don’t have you questioning if you’re enough. They have you waking up with the quiet confidence of someone who knows they’re fully seen, accepted, and loved. Anything less? Thank it for the experience and keep it moving.

Final Thoughts: You’ve Got This

If I could wrap all of these lessons into one big Lowcountry-style love letter, it’d simply say this: be kind to yourself. Love is beautiful, messy, frustrating, and joyful—it’s a journey as winding as the salt marsh trails of Charleston. You’re going to stumble, learn, and grow, but that’s the point, isn’t it? There’s no perfect road map to connection, but there are plenty of breathtaking views along the way.

So, take your lessons and keep going. You deserve the good stuff. Always.