Growing up as a chingona-in-training in Houston’s East End, I learned early on that self-love wasn’t exactly the hot topic of family reunions. We talked about everything else—who got a new job, who was dating who, and who brought the best tres leches cake to the last gathering. But asking, “How do I learn to love myself?” in my Cuban-Mexican family would’ve gotten me a confused look and, at best, a plate of arroz con pollo. Food, not feelings, was often the answer.

For the longest time, I felt like self-love was something I needed to earn—like frequent flyer miles or Beyoncé’s attention. It had to come after the job promotion, the long-term relationship, the glowing skin, and the ability to salsa dance without stepping on anyone’s toes. But the truth? Self-love isn’t something you achieve; it’s something you practice. And as someone who has waltzed (and occasionally stumbled) her way through this journey, let me spare you some of the bruised egos and missteps.

Let’s dig in.

Step One: Stop Treating Yourself Like a Side Character

For most of my twenties, I played the role of the supportive sidekick in my own life. I was the friend who always answered her phone at 2 a.m. when someone needed a pep talk, the coworker who took on extra tasks because "she’s so capable," and, of course, the girlfriend who put her own needs on the back burner to keep the peace.

It wasn’t until a friend said, “Girl, when’s the last time you did something for you?” that it hit me. I was that friend. You know, the one in rom-coms whose only job is to tell the lead, “Well, at least he called you back, right?”

I had to flip the script.

Start asking yourself, “What would the main character version of me do?” Hint: She doesn’t skip her favorite yoga class to finish someone else’s work project. She says yes to that solo trip because her own happiness is reason enough. Main character energy doesn’t mean being selfish—it means recognizing your story matters just as much as anyone else’s.

Step Two: Practical Self-Love Isn’t All Bubble Baths and Vision Boards

Here’s the thing they don’t tell you on Instagram: The gritty parts of self-love are where the magic happens. Sure, a bubble bath with candles is great, but scrubbing your bathroom grout while listening to Bad Bunny is also a form of self-care. When I realized that, it changed how I approached this whole “loving myself” thing.

For me, it meant:
- Building Boundaries. Setting limits isn’t just saying "no" to toxic exes or draining group chats—it’s saying yes to yourself. Personally, I had to stop letting my inner Latina guilt convince me that saying no to a third cousin’s baby shower equaled family betrayal.
- Doing the Boring Stuff. Scheduling a dentist appointment when your molar feels like it’s auditioning for a horror movie? Self-love. Going for a walk when Netflix is calling your name? Self-love. It’s not glamorous, but it keeps your foundation solid.
- Finding Your Flow. For me, this looks like salsa dancing in my living room, even if it’s just me, Marc Anthony on full blast, and some awkward hip movement. Find whatever brings you joy and holds you steady—then do more of it.

Step Three: Stop Waiting for the Perfect Moment

I blame Disney for convincing me all the best moments of self-discovery would involve a dramatic dress, some sweeping orchestral music, and a perfectly timed sunset. Spoiler alert: loving yourself usually happens in much smaller, less Pinterest-worthy moments.

For me, it was a Tuesday night during college, sitting on the steps outside my dorm in Spain. I’d just burnt dinner for the third time and was mad at myself for not “having my life together.” But then, as I watched the streetlights flicker on and random couples walk by, it hit me: I didn’t exactly need to have it all figured out to deserve kindness—from others or myself.

Go ahead and love yourself in the messy moments—the ones where you’re eating cold pizza in sweatpants or completely blanking during a work presentation. Perfection is overrated, anyway.

Step Four: Declutter Your Inner Dialogue

If the voice in your head talks to you like a mean girl wearing Gucci sunglasses, we’ve got a problem. I’m not saying you need to turn into a full-blown positivity guru, but at least treat yourself the way you’d treat your best friend.

For instance, I used to wince every time I looked in the mirror, my brain hitting me with a full Kardashian-style “ugh, cringe!” But then, I asked: Would I ever say that to my best friend? Hell no. I started replacing those critical thoughts with more neutral ones, like: “Yeah, my hair’s doing its own thing today, but it’s nothing a little mom’s-homemade-hair-oil can’t fix.” A little self-kindness goes a long way.

When you mess up—which, spoiler alert, happens to everyone—ditch the self-roast and try this instead: “Okay, that wasn’t my finest moment. I can do better next time.”

Step Five: Measure Progress, Not Perfection

We’re so quick to beat ourselves up for the tiniest setback, but when was the last time you celebrated your own progress? Learning to love yourself isn’t a straight road. It’s more like one of those twisty streets in San Francisco—full of detours, potholes, and questionable navigational decisions.

It’s easy to focus on how far you still have to go. But don’t forget to look back and see all the ground you’ve already covered. For me, that’s been things like finally standing up to a friend who always took advantage of my time, following my dream to write full-time, and just plain learning how to enjoy my own company without needing constant validation from others.

Conclusion: Loving Yourself Is the Love Story That Matters Most

Here’s the good news: The journey of self-love doesn’t come with a final destination. It’s a lifelong relationship—a little messy, sometimes frustrating, but ultimately the one that shapes every other connection in your life.

The more you invest in that big, bold, slightly stubborn heart of yours, the better you’ll be at giving and receiving love in all its forms. So go on—show yourself a little grace, a little courage, and maybe a margarita or two along the way.

Your love story with yourself? That’s one worth writing.