The Story Goes Like This
Growing up in Nigeria, there was this saying my family held onto like it was gospel: If they want you, they’ll find you. Whether it was about friends, opportunities, or (most importantly) love, the underlying belief was clear—if someone really cares, they’ll move mountains to come your way. You could sit pretty, cross your legs like a Nollywood queen, and wait confidently because destiny doesn’t need GPS—right?

It wasn’t until years later—and a good number of “he’s probably just busy” situationships—that I realized this family myth was as flawed as it was comforting. Turns out, love isn’t exempt from life’s messiness, and the idea of someone just knowing you’re “the one” can lead to more confusion than clarity. No one is walking through Lagos traffic with a rose in hand just because you smiled at them on Monday.

Let’s unpack this, shall we?

The False Comfort of “If They Want You, They’ll Find You”
I think this myth thrived in my family because it sounds romantic. I mean, who wouldn’t want to be the person so magnetic that someone risks it all just to claim them? Growing up, it was woven into the fabric of our culture. From my aunt’s dramatic telling of how someone’s uncle’s friend proposed by crossing a swollen river to Nollywood films where the hero always fights off a rival suitor—effortlessness was the hallmark of “real love.”

The caveat? It paints you as passive. You’re waiting for external validation, for someone else to confirm you’re worthy. Romantic as the myth is, dating in real life is not a Hollywood script—or even a well-lit Instagram feed. Sometimes people don’t chase because they assume you’re not interested. Sometimes timing is off, and sometimes life is, quite frankly, chaotic.

Believing in this idea absolves you of any responsibility for showing interest, setting boundaries, or even acknowledging what you want. It’s the dating version of hoping rain will water your crops while you binge-watch Love Island.

Why Destiny Needs a Little Help
Moving to London was the cold splash of reality I didn’t know I needed. Suddenly, flirting wasn’t the subtle wink-and-smile game it had been in Lagos. People here (or maybe just the British weather) seemed more reserved, less likely to act based on vague signals. Everything required explicit communication. With a mix of homesickness and culture shock, I realized people weren’t going to “find me” while I sat in my flat eating jollof rice and rewatching Bridget Jones's Diary.

Romance, like most good things in life, requires participation. It’s not always grand gestures—sometimes it’s as small as sending that text first or clearing your schedule to meet halfway. If you’re sitting there thinking, “Well, if they wanted to, they would,” ask yourself: are YOU doing anything to move things along? Relationships don’t work if both parties are waiting to be swept off their feet.

So, Why Did We Hold Onto This Myth?

For my Nigerian family, a lot of it came down to pride—and let’s be honest, a dash of gendered expectations. As women, we were socialized to appear unbothered, like making an effort would somehow diminish our value. My mom would say things like, “Don’t call him first, or he’ll think you’re desperate,” and my sisters and I would nod sagely, even while secretly wondering if this advice applied in the age of WhatsApp (spoiler alert: it doesn’t).

The underlying message was to protect ourselves from rejection. But shielding yourself from rejection often means you’re also shielding your own desires. “If they want you, they’ll find you” became a convenient excuse for not stepping out of my comfort zone. It meant I avoided vulnerability. It meant I could sit back and wait while pretending I didn’t care deeply about the outcome.

But let me tell you—living like that is exhausting and unfair (to you and whoever you’re waiting for).

Turn the Myth on Its Head

Instead of seeing effort as a “desperation” meter, think of it as investment. Letting someone know you’re interested or making the first move isn’t a sign of weakness—it’s a sign of intention. Here’s how we can reframe the story:

  1. Effort Is Attractive
    Effort shows you value connection and aren’t just leaving things to chance. Send the text. Compliment the shirt. Laugh loudly at their silly joke (but only if it’s funny—please don’t fake laugh). Effort isn’t chasing; it’s reciprocating.

  2. Boundaries Still Matter
    Trying doesn’t mean bending over backwards, though. Mutual interest is key, and if your investment isn’t met halfway, you have every right to step back. You’re interested, not auditioning for The Bachelor.

  3. Communication Changes the Game
    Sometimes all it takes is a simple check-in like, “Hey, I’d love to spend more time with you. How do you feel?” It’s scarier than waiting, sure, but clarity beats indecision every time. (Bonus point: you also dodge unnecessary overthinking. You’re welcome.)

  4. Know When to Walk Away
    Believe me, we’ve ALL been there—making excuses for someone who’s not reciprocating. (“He has bad network service!” or “She’s probably still recovering from her trip to Ghana four months ago!”) But here’s the truth: if they really want to connect, they will match your energy. And if they’re not? Let them go.

Real Love Isn’t a Treasure Hunt

When we strip back the theatrics, love is rarely about the heroic pursuit we see on-screen. Love isn’t sitting idle, nor is it bending over backwards to “win someone over.” It’s about two people actively making the choice to meet each other halfway.

The most loving gestures I’ve experienced weren’t the dramatic ones my family myth promised. They weren’t loud proclamations or monumental sacrifices. Instead, they were quieter: someone carving out time after a long day to chat, or a partner remembering that I hate pineapples on pizza. These “small” gestures don’t play into the narrative of being “found”—but they feel a lot more like home.

Let’s rewrite this myth together: If they want you, they’ll try—but only if you’re willing to meet them halfway. Love isn’t about waiting on fate. It’s about creating opportunities for connection—whether that’s across a room, across a city, or occasionally, across the WhatsApp thread you’ve been overthinking for three days.

So go ahead—make the first move, clear the road, and meet them halfway. Because if they really want you—and if you really want them—you’ll both find a way to build something beautiful.