When I was younger, I believed love was something you stumbled on, like a perfect skipping stone along the shores of Lake Coeur d'Alene. I thought it would shine under the right light, smooth and easy to hold, ready to take flight at the slightest push. Spoiler: It’s not. Love, relationships, and connection are more like the hidden trails I used to hike as a teen—beautiful, unpredictable, and often requiring a good map if you didn’t want to end up lost in the brambles.

Looking back, there are lessons I wish someone had handed me, neatly folded, when I was mucking through crushes, awkward first dates, and the daunting “What are we?” conversations. Some came to me the hard way, through trial and (a lot of) error. Now, I’m passing them on to you—because chances are, you’ve got your own brambles to navigate. Let’s get into it.

1. Stop Chasing "The Spark"

We all know “The Spark.” Movies sell it as that electric jolt where you lock eyes across a candlelit room. Cue swelling violins. And listen, The Spark is great—until you realize it’s about as reliable as a summer lightning storm. Here’s the thing: amazing relationships don’t necessarily start with fireworks. Sometimes, they start with a little smolder.

I once went on a first date with someone who seemed…fine. Honestly, I gave it about as much thought as the weather report. But then we talked—really talked. Hours passed, and suddenly this guy didn’t seem “fine”; he seemed fascinating. Spoiler: He became my partner for two amazing years. So, don’t write someone off because there weren’t sparks right away. Chemistry can grow, and often does if you’re open to it.

2. Clarity > Coolness

Trying to play it cool when you’re dating is like holding onto a fish that’s just flopped out of the water: exhausting and unnecessary. I spent my early twenties crafting texts that could win a Pulitzer in “ambiguity.” I thought being mysterious would make me more interesting. In reality, it just made things confusing for everyone involved.

The real game-changer? Saying what I meant. Simple statements like, “I’m having a great time with you” or “I’m looking for something serious—what about you?” saved me from chasing people whose priorities were as misaligned with mine as Crocs at a black-tie event. Being clear about what you want isn’t scary—it’s freeing. And trust me, anyone worth your time will appreciate the honesty.

3. Compatibility Beats Drama Every Time

Once, I thought the mark of a passionate relationship was the ability to fight and make up like you were auditioning for a soap opera. (What can I say? I watched a lot of The O.C. as a teen.) Here’s the truth: high-drama relationships might make for great binge-worthy TV, but when it comes to real life? Exhausting. You want someone whose energy matches your own, not someone who makes your world feel like a never-ending rollercoaster.

Think of it this way: a weekend getaway with your partner should feel like paddling a calm kayak across the lake, not navigating roaring whitewater rapids. Look for someone whose values, communication style, and goals align with yours. It might not feel as “exciting” as a Ryan-and-Marissa-level whirlwind at first, but trust me—it’s a whole lot more enjoyable in the long run.

4. You Don’t Have to Be “Perfect” to Be Loved

Oh, the mental gymnastics of pretending to be perfect. For years, I was convinced that if I could just make myself more outdoorsy (to match some rugged fisherman I liked) or more aloof (because clearly that artist-type preferred distant muses), I’d finally be lovable. Spoiler: It didn’t work.

Bake this into your brain now: Love isn’t something you earn with your flawless image. It’s a connection you build over shared experiences, mutual care, and yes, occasionally letting the other person see your super-weird dance moves. The right person will love your quirks, not despite them, but because of them.

5. “No” Is Not a Dirty Word

Here’s a lesson I learned on a trail near Kellogg, Idaho: When your body says, “Don’t jump that creek—it’s too wide,” listen. In dating, it’s the same. Learning to say “no”—whether it’s to a boundary-crossing behavior or a second date you’re not feeling—is one of the most powerful lessons in self-respect and safety.

There’s this idea that rejecting someone makes you “mean,” but the opposite is true: being clear and kind is far better than wasting anyone’s time. Bonus? Saying “no” to the wrong connections clears the path for the right ones to enter. (And trust me, “right” does come along eventually.)

6. Don’t Take Rejection Personally

Up until my early 20s, I thought rejection was a flashing neon sign saying, “Avery = Terrible and Undateable.” But here’s a little nature-based analogy: Just because someone doesn’t like downhill skiing doesn’t mean they hate mountains; it just means their interests lie elsewhere. Similarly, when someone isn’t into you, it’s rarely about your worth and more about preferences, timing, or their own baggage.

Rejection isn’t a reflection of your value. It’s simply information. And yeah, maybe that information stings for a little while, but don’t let it hold you back. You’re just one “no” closer to the right “yes.”

7. Laugh. Seriously, Laugh.

After a breakup in my mid-20s left me wallowing like a sad folk song, I had a friend drag me to a trivia night at a bar. I laughed at the dumbest Seinfeld trivia question (“What’s Kramer’s first name?!”), and for the first time in weeks, I felt lighter. That’s when I realized: laughter is the glue of connection.

In dating and relationships, this applies everywhere. Don’t be afraid to make terrible puns, riff on goofy inside jokes, or roll with the absurd moments—like the time my partner and I got lost in the woods and ended up singing old camp songs to distract ourselves from the fact we probably weren’t on a trail anymore.

People are drawn to joy, so don’t stifle yours. When in doubt, crack a joke. (Even a bad joke is better than no joke at all.)

The Takeaway: It's a Hike, Not a Race

Here’s what I’ve learned after years of navigating my way through dating and relationships, heartbreak and healing: there’s no universal timeline. No “perfect” destination. Love, like the nature trails I grew up on, is meant to be explored. It’s messy, unpredictable, and yes, challenging at times—but it’s also endlessly rewarding.

So, trust the process. Be kind to yourself. And remember: Your journey is your own, brambles and all. You’re doing great.