Let’s be honest, relationships—whether you’re diving into a new one or steady in a long-term groove—can feel like navigating a labyrinth where the walls keep shifting. Love might seem effortless in Hollywood montages (cue the music swelling as they kiss in the rain), but in real life, it’s more like managing a group project where no one read the syllabus. And let’s not even start on the emotional group chat that occupies your brain late at night. If only someone had handed you cheat codes for this whole connection thing.

Well, hindsight’s 20/20, right? So here I am, laying out some relationship truths I wish I’d caught onto sooner—served with a side of humor and the occasional pop culture nod because, let’s face it, we’re all just trying our best here.

1. Stop Treating People Like Projects

Here’s the thing: empathy is amazing, but turning into a human IKEA instruction manual for your partner’s every flaw? Not so much. I learned this the hard way with a girlfriend in my mid-20s. She’d gently roast me for my messy, “whenever I find the time” style of journaling, so I thought I’d help her become more organized too—you know, repay the favor. I became that guy who forwarded her articles on time management tips. Reader, let me tell you: unsolicited PowerPoint presentations on “constructive habits” aren’t romantic.

The narrative that you can “fix” someone—or worse, that you’re meant to fix them—isn’t a love story; it’s a doomed HGTV show. Relationships are partnerships, not renovations. If someone needs to change, it’ll only stick if it’s their idea. So let people be their messy, magnificent selves.

Takeaway Tip: Care about someone for who they are now, not their potential. Growth is important, but everyone’s journey is theirs to navigate.

2. Don’t Ghost—Even When It’s Tempting

In Toronto, there’s always a part of the year that feels grayer than a TV static screen, and it matches the vibe of ghosting someone perfectly. I’ll admit in my early dating years, I pulled what I now call “the strategic fade”—stopped replying to texts and hoped the person got the memo. By the way, they never got the memo.

Ghosting isn’t just dodging someone else’s feelings; it’s robbing yourself of closure too. One time, I ghosted a girl I met on Queen Street because I figured, “Well, it wasn’t that serious.” She later ran into me at a friend’s house party, and let’s just say “awkward” doesn’t even begin to describe it. Somewhere between the hummus platter and small talk about the Raptors, we exchanged prickly niceties, and I learned what unfinished business actually feels like.

Takeaway Tip: Rip the Band-Aid off with a kind but clear message. You’ll respect yourself more for saying something like, “I enjoyed meeting you, but I don’t feel this is going anywhere.” Trust me, silence isn’t classy.

3. Compatibility Isn’t Just Cute Chemistry

Maybe it’s because I grew up in fun, buzzy neighborhoods, but I used to romanticize connection based on shared interests. If we both belted out the same lyrics at a Metric concert or debated if Queen Street had better jerk chicken than Kensington Market stalls—bam, soulmate material, right? Wrong. Compatibility revolves less around overlapping playlists and more around how you approach life’s roadmap.

I learned this in my early thirties when dating someone who shared my passion for farmer's market finds but treated long-term plans like background noise. Meanwhile, I was approaching life like one of those Toronto real estate agents constantly forecasting the next four years. We adored Saturday mornings but clashed hard by Saturday night.

Takeaway Tip: Beyond fun chemistry, ask yourself: Do our values, goals, and approaches align? It’s okay to love someone and realize you don’t want the same things.

4. Don’t Downplay “Little” Red Flags (They Grow Up Fast)

Ah, the little red flags. You know the ones. Maybe they lightly roll their eyes when you talk about something important to you, or their “jokes” start veering into mean-spirited territory. In my naïveté, I brushed these off once, chalking them up to quirks or rough edges.

Fast forward six months, and that “quirky” behavior had become unbearable, like a song stuck on repeat that I couldn’t unhear. (Yes, it involved excessive sarcasm that turned serious conversations into minefields.) The little red flags I ignored became glaring neon signs screaming, “You knew this was coming!”

Takeaway Tip: Pay attention to the small things that don’t sit right. A thorn in the shoe now is still a thorn—don’t wait for it to leave blisters.

5. Invest in Friendships Outside Your Romantic Life

Toronto winters are cold enough without isolating yourself during cuffing season, so don’t let a misty-eyed romance turn you into “that friend” who only resurfaces post-breakup. Once, I got so deep into a relationship that I noticed my group chats had dried up to tumbleweeds. When that relationship ended, I found myself Googling “stuff to do solo in Leslieville” more often than I’d like to admit.

Your partner can’t be your everything. Sharing your world with others—friends, family, even coworkers—leads to a fuller life. Plus, who’s going to roast you into oblivion when you show up late with Tim Hortons? That’s friendship gold.

Takeaway Tip: Schedule time for your people even when things are great with your partner. A healthy balance means less pressure on your relationship to be your sole source of joy.

6. Kindness Matters More Than “Type”

I’ll own this: my early twenties were all about figuring out my “type.” Creative? Check. Mysterious? Bonus points. Can reference every Wes Anderson film? Be still, my heart. But here’s the kicker—quirky aesthetics don’t necessarily mean kindness, and kindness is what gets you through the tough stuff. Someone can look straight out of a Frank & Oak ad and still argue over splitting fries.

Now, when I look back at the happiest relationships of my life, the common thread isn’t someone’s “cool factor” but how their kindness shaped our bond. There’s real magic in the quiet, consistent ways someone shows you they care.

Takeaway Tip: Instead of chasing a “type,” look for kindness in action. Reliable empathy beats moody charisma every time.

7. Don’t Forget About Self-Love

Let’s get to the cliché you knew was coming: self-love. It sounds cheesy, like something embroidered on a throw pillow, but when I think of my cringiest relationship mistakes, they all trace back to times when I didn’t have my own back. Like the time I stayed with someone out of fear I wouldn’t find anyone better. Spoiler alert: fear is a terrible matchmaker.

Being comfortable with yourself—your quirks, your dreams, your Netflix “continue watching” list of shame—makes you a better partner and a better single person. It’s the baseline for creating something healthy with someone else.

Takeaway Tip: Treat time solo as less of a waiting room and more of a season to flourish. The more solid you are solo, the more likely you’ll attract someone equally self-assured.

At the end of the day, building relationships is messy, spectacular, awkward, and rewarding—kind of like my favorite neighborhood festivals growing up. And honestly? That’s part of the beauty of it. Take this wisdom, learn from my stumbles, and remember: You’re not “failing” if you’re learning. Life has a funny way of working itself out when you lean in, keep it honest, and don’t ghost the hummus platter.