Ever felt like the second-string player inexplicably called into the championship game of life? Like everyone else has the playbook, and you’re just trying not to trip on the field? If so, welcome to the club. We meet weekly, snacks provided, but you’ll probably spend the entire meeting wondering why someone as unqualified as you was invited in the first place. Impostor syndrome isn’t just a buzzword—it’s that persistent, nagging feeling that no matter what you accomplish, you’re only one step away from blowing your cover as a “fraud.”

It’s a feeling I know well. Growing up in a small, tight-knit mining town in West Virginia, “faking it” wasn’t in our vocabulary. My dad worked underground, my mom managed payroll at the local coal plant, and the entire concept of “success” revolved around hard, tangible work. So, when I made my way to graduate school in California to study cultural history—of all things—impostor syndrome hit me harder than a coal train running full speed downhill. Surrounded by smooth-talking academics whose childhood hobbies included writing papers on French existentialism, I couldn’t have felt more out of place if I showed up in coveralls with a can of Bud Light in hand.

But here’s the twist: learning to step into your insecurities confidently and evolve past self-doubt doesn’t just apply to academics or career moves. It works wonders in relationships too. Whether you’re the shy introvert who lucked into swiping right on someone way out of your league or the new couple trying to prove you’ve got this “serious adult relationship” stuff figured out, here’s how to go from feeling like an amateur to owning your expertise.

The Overthinker’s Trap: Self-Doubt on Repeat

My first real date with someone in California was supposed to show me “stepping it up.” I was 24, feeling bold—or desperate—and decided to ask out someone I’d met at a coffee shop in L.A. She’d mentioned she loved sushi and art-house films. I loved chicken tenders and movies where things exploded. Still, I found myself nodding along with her commentary on Kurosawa’s directorial choices while wondering what, exactly, “uni” was and why it tasted like ocean butter (spoiler: I don’t recommend it as a first-date food).

Throughout the night, my internal monologue went something like: “Does she know I’ve never seen this movie she’s quoting? Why am I sweating so much? Was ‘nice cardigan’ a weird compliment?? Is she secretly texting her friends to come rescue her?”

At the heart of impostor syndrome is this overthinking spiral—an assumption that the real “you” doesn’t measure up to the idea of who you think you should be. Whether it’s on a date, in a relationship, or even in casual conversation with your crush, doubt creates a gap between how you’re seen and how you think you’re seen. And you’ll never know the truth until you stop trying to fill that gap with a performance.

Start Where You Are, Not Where You Think You Should Be

Overachievers listen up: You don’t need to be an expert at love to deserve it. No one’s handing out 10-step dating certifications. Confidence isn’t built on pretending you’re already someone else—it’s built on getting comfortable with exactly where you are in that moment. The trick? Embrace your strengths while being honest about your learning curve.

For instance, I’ll never forget the girlfriend who looked at me years ago, mid-conversation about something fancy (probably wine or avant-garde art), and said, “You know you’re allowed to just say ‘I don’t know,’ right?” It was both humbling and liberating. Here’s the thing: letting people see your unfinished rough edges makes you relatable—not disqualified.

Next time you feel like faking an answer or trying to elevate yourself to match someone’s expectations, try this instead:

  • Acknowledge where you’re at with humility. Something as simple as, “I’ve never tried that, but it sounds cool,” invites the other person to share what they know without putting yourself down.
  • Learn their world without downplaying your own. If they’re into five-star gastronomy but you grew up on casseroles and sweet tea, the overlap is not them teaching you—it's sharing experiences together.

Fake It? No, Feel It ‘Til You Make It

Here’s something no one tells you about impostor syndrome: it actually makes you hyper-aware. While you’re sweating small details of “doing it right,” other people are usually just trying to connect. I’ve brought my Appalachian roots into every relationship, making homemade biscuits and gravy for brunch or plucking my banjo on quiet Sunday mornings. Did I feel out of place at first? Sure. But owning what’s authentic about you makes others want to lean in.

In dating, your authenticity is your superpower. Let’s say your new partner is super outdoorsy, and you can barely pitch a tent. Instead of mismatched REI “costumes” and forcing yourself through a 12-mile hike, maybe your contribution is introducing them to homemade blueberry cobbler back at the cabin. Balancing their strengths with your own creates equal footing.

Specific ways to combat “I'm not good enough” in dating:

  1. Share something quirky. Love collecting old vinyl? Obsessed with that one random sci-fi show? Let them in. Your interests tell people who you are.

  2. Don’t wait to be an “expert.” Relationships (romantic or otherwise) aren’t about impressing someone—they’re about learning alongside them.

  3. Lead with curiosity. Instead of worrying about matching someone point-for-point, ask questions about what they love. Shared enthusiasm beats forced expertise every time.

Lean Into the Journey (Awkward Moments and All)

Trust me: there’s power in the misstep. That sushi date? Turned out my date thought my awkward fumbling attempts to use chopsticks were hilarious. We started trading funny bad-date stories by hour two and ended up in tears laughing. Why? Because the breaking point for my performance became the starting point for something real.

Impostor Syndrome loves its comfort zone: performative perfectionism. Owning your vulnerability, though, invites others to drop their walls too. Here’s how to remind yourself of the goal, especially when perfectionism creeps in:

  • Remember the story, not the moment. Most people don’t remember the details of their first flamethrower-style argument with a partner. They remember the resolution—the moment they got closer on the other side. Embrace mistakes as stepping stones.

  • Celebrate your small wins. The tiny inside joke you create on a first date? Huge. The compassionate argument resolution? Bigger. Being enough in the tiniest moments makes all the actual difference.

From Amateur to Authority

What I’ve learned over time is that impostor syndrome doesn’t go away completely—but it becomes quieter. And sometimes, you realize it holds you to a higher standard than anyone else ever does.

Whether it’s a career move, a first date, or even navigating a long-term relationship, finding your confidence doesn’t mean acting like you know everything—it means knowing yourself. And in love as in life, the most meaningful connections don’t rely on expertise—they’re built through shared experiences, everyday vulnerability, and learning to value what you bring to the table exactly as you are.

You don’t have to “earn” the right to be loved, cared for, or connected. You have every right to take up space in your relationship—awkward sushi moments and all.

So when the voice in your head whispers, “You don’t belong here,” respond louder: “Watch me prove you wrong.” Because chances are, you already have.