Why You Need to Redefine Your Relationship With Breakups (Yes, Really)
Breakups: the dreaded, tissue-filled cul-de-sac of the human experience. We've all been there, haven’t we? One moment, you’re sharing playlists and inside jokes; the next, you’re holding back an ugly cry at the farmer’s market because "their" salsa stand is a painful reminder of happier times. Breakups don't just sting—they can feel like waking up in a parallel universe where everything looks the same but somehow isn’t.
But before you curl up with your third tub of Ben & Jerry’s (I’ve been partial to Cherry Garcia myself) and vow to start a hermit crab colony instead of dating again, let’s take a pause. What if, instead of treating breakups as failures or tragedies, we looked at them as growth spurts? Uncomfortable, messy, necessary. No one likes a charley horse, but hey, it makes you feel alive, right?
Let’s redefine our relationship with breakups—because there’s power in them, I promise.
1. A Breakup Is Not the Final Chapter
Let me start with a little perspective, thanks to growing up along the California coast: relationships are like waves. Some roll in gentle and steady, sticking around just long enough to make you feel like you could drift forever. Others crash hard and fast, sweeping you off your feet—then leaving you face-first in the sand, coughing up seawater. Either way, the tide always moves. Life continues.
When my college boyfriend and I ended things, it felt like the seismic kind of wave—the kind that shifts your internal tectonic plates. I walked the beach for days afterward (a little too on-the-nose, I know), catastrophizing over every tiny detail of what went wrong. But that breakup wasn’t my story’s end; it was just a plot twist. Somewhere between those salty-air sob sessions and the emergence of my Solo Sunday tradition (involving tide-pooling and a good bagel), I realized every ending clears the way for something new.
It’s OK to grieve the relationship, but don’t forget: you’re still writing your story, wave after wave.
2. Decode the Lessons (Yes, There Are Always Lessons)
Here’s where the magic happens, provided you’re willing to do a little emotional archaeology. Every relationship teaches us something about who we are and what we need. It’s like those personality quizzes in Cosmo—but instead of figuring out “Which Pop Diva Matches Your Energy,” you’re uncovering your truest self.
Ask yourself:
- What worked, and what didn’t?
Did they bring out your adventurous side, or did you find yourself becoming someone you didn’t recognize? - How did I show up in the relationship?
Were you communicative, respectful, and authentic—or do you owe your next partner a solid apology for ghosting during Netflix arguments? - What will I prioritize next time?
Boundaries? Mutuality? Someone who knows to pack snacks on long road trips?
Case in point: after dating someone who constantly ridiculed my “weird” enthusiasm for tide-pooling (red flag alert), I realized I could never again date someone who didn’t appreciate my nature-nerd tendencies. My next partner literally bought me a marine field guide. Upgrades, people.
3. Stop Romanticizing Closure
Ah, closure. The mythical creature we’ve been told lives in the magical forest at the end of a breakup. Here’s what closure really looks like: you sitting in bed at 2 a.m., imagining that perfect, post-breakup conversation where they beg for your forgiveness, apologize for everything, and somehow tell you what you’ve been dying to hear.
Let me save you some time: closure doesn’t happen outside you—it happens within you. (Was that too Eat Pray Love? Stay with me.) Truthfully, there are questions we’ll never get answers to. Maybe they’ll never admit why they pulled away; maybe you’ll never fully understand that one cryptic text about “needing space.” But closure is realizing you don’t need their explanation to move forward. You just… do.
One trick that’s worked for me: write the conversation you wish you could have. Get all the words out of your system—no holds barred. Then close that journal, toss it in a drawer, and let it rest. Closure doesn’t follow logic; it follows release.
4. Build a New Routine, Stat
Post-breakup life can feel dizzying. My mornings after ended relationships were particularly jarring: Who was I supposed to send my mildly funny (OK, hilariously clever) 8 a.m. memes to? What did single people even do with their weekends?
Here’s the thing: breaking up isn’t just about letting go of the person—it’s about recalibrating your habits and rediscovering yourself in the process. Building new routines helps you reclaim that sense of rhythm. Some ideas?
- Start your day with something you love. A podcast, a nature walk, even blaring a Taylor Swift breakup anthem (obvious, but highly effective). Bonus points if it gets you out of bed and into the sunlight.
- Adopt a “me” night. For me, Friday nights became “seafood soup and surf documentaries” night. Weirdly specific? Sure. But comforting as heck.
- Get physically moving. There’s something healing about physicality—a reminder that your body is still yours, still alive, still capable. A yoga class, a dance in the kitchen, or a stroll down the beach… anything that helps you reconnect.
5. Remember, You’re Bigger Than This Breakup
When my best friend finally ended things with her on-again, off-again situationship (you know, the kind of relationship where you have “the breakup talk” roughly 764 times), she called me in a breathless mix of relief and despair. I told her what I’m about to tell you: one breakup doesn’t change all the incredible things about you.
You’re still the friend who people know they can call when they’ve had a crummy day. You’re still the one who organizes weekend adventures, who makes a killer margarita, who’s brilliant at impromptu karaoke. A breakup doesn’t diminish your light—it just gives you a chance to redirect it.
A Breakup Is a Beginning in Disguise
Take it from this avid tide-pool wanderer: life isn’t meant to be stagnant or still. Breakups hurt, yes, but they also shake us awake. They remind us of our needs, our joys, and the thrilling unknown of what’s still ahead.
So, whether you’re knee-deep in the mess of it or looking back with fresh eyes, know this: breakups are the built-in plot twists of life. You don’t need to reject them, fear them, or smooth their edges. Instead, let them guide you gently forward.
And, hey, if all else fails—there’s always the ocean. And maybe a very large scoop of Cherry Garcia.
