Stop Looking for "The One"—Start Looking for a Real Connection

The Myth of "The One"
Let’s start with a confession: when I was a teenager, I truly believed there was one perfect person out there for me—a soulmate who would know my favorite dim sum order without asking and finish my sentences like a one-woman rom-com. Blame it on the countless wuxia novels I devoured or the Hollywood movies that taught me love was supposed to feel like fireworks and fate colliding.

But here’s the thing: holding out for "The One" put so much unnecessary pressure on every single date. If they didn’t like poetry? Not The One. Missed my obscure references to 90s Chinese pop songs? Not The One. If sparks didn’t fly at first sip of bubble tea? Definitely not The One. Sound familiar?

The concept of "The One" is both romantic and, let’s be real, exhausting. It’s like searching for a legendary jade artifact in an ancient Chinese folktale—dramatic, high-stakes, and essentially impossible. Instead of looking for that fabled "perfect fit," what if we started focusing on building genuine, messy, human connections?

Shift the Focus: Connection > Perfection
Real relationships aren’t about flawless compatibility. They’re about embracing shared (and sometimes unexpected) experiences, growing together, and finding humor in each other’s quirks. Let’s explore how to shift your mindset—and make dating much more enjoyable in the process.

1. Shed the “Checklist Mentality”
Raise your hand if you’ve ever shown up to a date armed with an unspoken list of criteria. (Likes cats? Check. Speaks Mandarin? Bonus check. Must love dumplings? Triple check!) Here’s the reality: lists are fine for grocery shopping, but lousy for love.

Having standards? Totally fine. But if you’re treating dates like job interviews, measuring their qualifications instead of getting to know the actual person, you’re going to miss out on some surprisingly great opportunities.

Take my friend Mei, for example. Her type? Reserved intellectuals who could teach a college seminar on Tang Dynasty poetry. Her current partner? A boisterous board game enthusiast who, to this day, thinks “Li Bai” is a drink order. But you know what? They clicked. Because sometimes, shared laughter trumps shared literary preferences.

Pro Tip: Try replacing your rigid checklist with a short list of values—things like kindness, curiosity, or a sense of humor. Then leave the rest up to chemistry.

2. Embrace Imperfection (Yours and Theirs)
Here’s an unflattering truth about me: I get hangry at an alarming speed. I also hum terribly off-key when I’m stressed, even in public. A past version of myself spent way too much energy trying to seem perfect on dates, convinced that showing my quirks would scare people away. Spoiler alert: Not sustainable.

Perfect isn’t what makes us lovable. Authenticity is. When I finally let my guard down and stopped pretending to be the flawless, Zen master version of myself, dating became a lot more fun—and surprisingly, much more successful. (Fun fact: the guy who gave me snacks during a mid-date hangry meltdown? He stuck around.)

The same goes for your partner. Expecting someone to be flawless—never late, always charming, magically attuned to your love for scallion pancakes—is unfair. Real relationships thrive on vulnerability and imperfection, not the illusion of some unattainable ideal.

3. Stop Searching—Start Seeing
Have you ever scrolled through an endless Instagram feed and felt like you were living in a highlight reel? Dating can feel like that too: always looking ahead for the next “better option,” comparing your journey to the glossy adventures of people around you. But while your eyes are wandering, you might be missing the person sitting across from you—the one with the fascinating story about their first solo travel adventure or the unpolished but heartfelt compliment about your laugh.

A former roommate of mine, Lin, used to complain her dates weren’t adventurous enough. “No one’s swept me off my feet yet,” she’d say, only half-joking. One day, I teased her: “Maybe love doesn’t always look like being swept off your feet. Maybe it’s someone who stops to tie your shoelaces instead.” (Cheesy? Sure. But it made her pause.)

With time, Lin realized a “spark” doesn’t have to mean grand gestures or cinematic passion. Sometimes, it’s subtle. Like a deep, calm conversation on a park bench. Or someone making you tea without being asked because they noticed you were tired.

Pro Tip: Try giving your next date 100% of your attention—no mental comparisons, no future-game-planning. Just be present.

4. Date Like You’re Writing a Tale Together
Maybe it’s the writer in me, but I think of dating as co-writing a story. Will every chapter be exciting or dramatic? No. But sometimes, magic is in the mundane details—the way you laugh yourself silly trying to make dumplings together, or the Sunday mornings you spend sharing an oversized bowl of congee.

When I studied abroad in New York, I fell for someone who introduced me to the joys of bagels with cream cheese (truly magical for a steamed bun enthusiast). We only dated for six months and eventually parted ways, but that period of little shared rituals—a bagel and coffee here, a Central Park walk there—taught me love is about creating moments, not chasing perfection.

Real connection isn’t about the plot twist where you find “The One.” It’s about the small, beautiful stories you build together in between.

Your Final Takeaway: A New Story About Love
Here’s what I’ve learned after years of dating, romanticizing, and (occasionally) crying into a bowl of noodles: the idea of “The One” might feel enchanting, but it’s also limiting. When we stop chasing an impossible ideal, we free ourselves to appreciate the people right in front of us—their strengths, flaws, and beautifully messy humanity.

So, stop waiting for fate to deliver your perfect jade artifact. Start building something tangible, something real. Whether it lasts a month, a year, or a lifetime, a genuine connection is always worth the effort.

And who knows? Maybe your happiest love story starts with someone who forgets your favorite dim sum order but remembers how you like your tea. Isn’t that a kind of magic, too?