The Secret Struggle I Fought Within Myself
Introduction: The Tango of Tradition and Modern Progress
In the dance of life, some battles play out in the open while others swirl backstage, hidden and raw. My secret, for years, stayed tucked away, much like an uncomfortable shoe stored beneath my bed—out of sight, but maddeningly there. My struggle? Reconciling the traditional views of love I was raised with and the modern lives we build today.
I was raised in Santiago, where love was romanticized in ways that would make a telenovela blush. My parents, both teachers and hopeless romantics, adored epic stories of fidelity, devotion, and self-sacrifice. They lived it, too—always dancing together at family gatherings, sneaking kisses when they thought no one was looking. To them, love was a symphony of togetherness, complete with violin crescendos and a cultural belief that relationships required a level of stoic endurance. The idea of giving up or stepping away from love? That was failure, plain and simple.
But as I grew older, moved to Madrid, and gained more independence, cracks began to form in this view. Life wasn’t a Pablo Neruda poem, no matter how much I wanted it to be. Relationships were messier, less scripted, and often required something I had never been taught: boundaries. Cue my internal battle—tradition begged me to stay, to endure, to fix what was breaking, while modern wisdom whispered, “Maybe some things aren’t meant to last.”
The Turning Point: When Tradition Isn’t Enough
Let me paint you a picture. Imagine a long-distance relationship between two people living across continents (one of them being overly idealistic—you know where this is going). I found myself entangled in a love that felt cinematic at first—Spanish guitar ballads in the air, handwritten love letters, dramatic airport goodbyes. But as time dragged on, the romance began to crumble under the weight of unmet needs, misaligned values, and the sheer distance itself.
Yet, despite all the signs screaming that it was time to let go, I clung on. Not because of love, not necessarily, but because leaving felt like I was betraying my roots. My inner voice sounded like my mother: Relationships are work, Carmen. You have to fight for them. And fight, I did. But what I hadn’t understood was that sometimes, staying isn’t the noble thing—it’s the fearful thing.
The Wake-Up Call
The real moment of reckoning came during one of my trips to Buenos Aires. I’d gone there for research, but I found myself endlessly distracted, spiraling in my inner turmoil. Then, one evening, while strolling through La Boca, I stumbled upon a couple dancing tango on the street. Their movements were sharp, intent, and full of push and pull. And as I watched, it finally hit me: a relationship—much like tango—is not about one person dragging the other across the floor. It’s about balance, flow, and, critically, knowing when to step apart so the rhythm works.
That realization gave me permission to feel something I had suppressed: the freedom to redefine love for myself, outside the framework I’d inherited.
What I Learned: Breaking Out of the Loop
Looking back, I can see how easily I fell into the trap of mistaking perseverance for strength and fear for loyalty. And while honoring my cultural roots is important to me, I’ve learned that growth happens when we integrate our heritage with our lived experiences.
Here are some takeaways I wish I could’ve told my younger self—and maybe, I can tell you too:
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Know When It’s Love, and When It’s Just Fear of Letting Go.
Staying in something purely because you’ve invested time is the sunk-cost fallacy at play. Love isn’t about how long you’ve held on—it’s about how it makes you feel now, in this moment. -
You Can Respect Tradition Without Being Bound By It.
Just because your family or culture believes something doesn’t mean you have to carry it forward. Choose the traditions that serve you and create new ones where the old ones don’t. -
Boundaries Are a Gift, Not a Rebellion.
It took me ages to understand this! Boundaries are about preserving the best of yourself—not an attack on others. Setting limits protects your energy and saves relationships from reaching breaking points. -
Leaving Isn't Failing. It's Choosing Yourself.
Walking away didn’t signal that I’d given up. It meant I had grown enough to prioritize my happiness and yes, my sanity, over trying to force something that just wasn’t meant to be. -
Love is a Tango, Not Tug-of-War.
A good partnership doesn’t feel like you’re dragging someone across the dance floor. When love is reciprocal, you’ll feel it. You’ll also breathe easier.
The Aftermath and Empowerment
Letting go of that relationship—and the guilt I carried with it—felt like taking my first full breath in years. Since then, I’ve built relationships that align with both my modern sensibilities and my romantic roots. I still revel in the poetry of connection, but I don’t lose myself in relationships anymore. And I’ve learned to be okay with the occasional step back when the dance starts to falter.
If you’re facing a similar struggle, know this: it’s okay to rewrite your story. It’s okay to challenge what you’ve been taught about love. After all, the best relationships—whether they last a decade or just a precious few months—are the ones where you never lose yourself in the process.
It took me years to reconcile my traditional upbringing with my modern experiences, but the dance I do now? It’s mine. And the music, more than ever, feels just right.
