Here’s a scene I’m intimately familiar with: my palms are sweating, my heart is racing like it’s late for a final. Every instinct tells me to run—but I don’t. Nope, instead, I take a deep breath and walk straight into the fire. Not literal fire (though I did once get too close to a campfire and singed my eyebrow), but the kind of fire that comes with vulnerability. That raw moment of putting myself out there, unsure of how the chips will fall.
You see, fear and I—we’re old pals. Except, instead of being the kind of pals who share beers on the back porch, we’re the ones who run into each other at the store and give awkward nods across the aisle. It lurks, ready to keep me “safe.” But here’s the thing: every single time I’ve decided to show up anyway, fear and all, something good has come out of it. Not always great, sure—but good in the ways that shape you. Let me tell you why I keep willingly terrifying myself.
Why Fear Feels Like a First Date (and That’s Okay)
Imagine this: you’re sitting across from someone for the first time. You’ve got your “best self” carefully curated—your top three jokes, your medium-interesting hobbies. And yet every time you take a sip of water, your brain screams, Don’t choke! Don’t spit it out through your nose!
That’s the buzz of fear. A little intoxicating, a little dangerous, and wildly human. In relationships, fear tends to pop up as one recurring theme: the fear of being seen. Not just the polished, photo-dump-on-social-media version of you. I’m talking about the real you—the one with the weird snort-laugh, questionable pajama choices, and slightly irrational opinions about pineapple on pizza.
You’re probably thinking, James, why go through this? Isn’t life less terrifying if you just avoid it all together? Sure, but life is also less colorful, less meaningful, and frankly, less fun. The point isn't to stop being scared; it’s to keep going despite it, like those contestants on “The Great British Baking Show” when the cake collapses—but they show up the next day anyway.
From Appalachian Coal Mines to Coastal Heartlines
Here’s where my story comes in. Growing up in rural West Virginia, I thought fear was facing a runaway coal cart or accidentally getting too close to the business end of a mule. But life has a funny way of evolving, doesn’t it?
After moving to California for grad school—where everyone seemed way too zen and somehow simultaneously stressed—I quickly realized my new fear: sticking out. I was the guy with a heavy Appalachian twang trying to order a cappuccino without sounding like I’d wandered out of a Clint Eastwood movie. My first instinct was to fold in on myself, to become as invisible as possible. But it didn’t last long. As it turned out, those folks out west were just fine with someone who couldn’t pronounce “bougie” properly on the first attempt.
The same was true when I later packed up for Maine, where people looked at my battered truck with its West Virginia plates like a UFO had landed in their coastal utopia. Once again, I had two options: retreat or connect. I chose the latter, messy introductions and all because I have enough experience to know that fear doesn’t get to make my decisions for me.
What Fear Teaches Us About the Human Heart
If there’s anything I’ve learned, it’s that fear hangs out where the good stuff is. Love, for instance. What is love if not a high-stakes game of showing up and hoping the other person doesn’t bolt when you forget how to do math because they smiled at you? (Guilty.) But it’s also in long-term relationships, where fear of rejection shifts to a fear of stagnation. You start to ask: What if we’re boring? What if we stop trying? What if they suddenly realize how much I overuse metaphors?
Facing fear isn’t something you do just once. It’s a daily practice: speaking up in tough conversations, admitting what you need or want, and sometimes just being brave enough to ask, “What’s on your mind?”
Here’s where I level with you—trust me, I’m far from perfect. I’ve let fear get the best of me more times than I can count. But every so often, I push through. And let me tell you, those moments—the ones where I choose honesty over comfort—are the stories I look back on and feel proud of.
The “Do It Anyway” Playbook: How to Dive In (Not Run Away)
Now, I know what you’re thinking: This all sounds poetic, James, but what does doing it anyway actually look like? Let me give you some concrete ways to make friends with fear—no mule experience required:
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Name the Fear.
Half the battle is figuring out what you’re actually afraid of. Is it rejection? Looking foolish? Be honest with yourself. Once you name it, it seems a lot less monstrous—like Scooby-Doo unmasking the villain. -
Start Small.
You don’t need to write Whitney Houston-style love confessions on Post-it notes immediately. Begin with minor risks: a heartfelt compliment to someone, an overdue apology, or offering up your real opinion in a group text. -
Embrace the Awkward.
News flash: Everyone is awkward in some way—yes, even that “put-together” person you admire. Instead of fearing it, laugh with it. Awkwardness is where authenticity lives. -
Pick Purpose Over Perfection.
Perfectionism will convince you not to try. Forget about getting it 100% right—aim for meaningful instead. When I quit trying to smooth my Appalachian accent into something “chic,” I realized it was my unique charm. -
Celebrate Risk-Taking.
Even if it doesn’t work out the way you hoped, congratulate yourself for the act of showing up. That’s the real win. And hey, at least it’s a good story for next time.
Soft Landings and Brave Beginnings
Here’s the kicker about fear: it’s not something you conquer once and for all. It’s a dance partner, the kind that occasionally steps on your toes but makes life exciting in a way safe-and-steady never could. Life and relationships—just like those winding West Virginia roads I grew up with—are full of blind turns. You’ll never know what’s around the bend unless you keep driving.
So here’s to the next scare—and to showing up anyway. After all, isn’t that where the best stories—and the best loves—are made?
