If my self-love journey were a meal, the appetizer would’ve been a heaping spoonful of “Why am I like this?” served over a bed of societal expectations. And for too long, I chewed on it like it was the only thing on the menu. Spoiler: it wasn’t. But it took me years—and more than a few awkward dates and existential crises—to figure that out.

Self-love sounds simple in theory. You see it on slick Instagram graphics with affirmations like, “You are enough,” written in perky fonts. Someone slaps it on a mug or a tote bag, and bam! Instant enlightenment, right? Wrong. Because while loving yourself is a timeless concept, it’s terrifyingly complex when you’re trying to apply it to your own wonderfully messy life. At least, it was for me.

Let’s rewind a bit to how I got here.

Cracking the Mirror: Recognizing the Problem

Growing up in Vancouver, surrounded by the smell of coffee beans from my parents’ café, I was reminded daily that everyone’s cup is brewed differently. And yet, I still managed to build this nifty ability to compare myself to literally everyone around me. Was I smart enough? Pretty enough? Accomplished enough? Cue the mental checklist that grew longer year after year.

I’d perfected the art of nitpicking—from questioning why my hair couldn’t stay effortlessly wavy (like the girls on Granville Island) to beating myself up when I couldn’t match the curated lives of Instagram influencers with their perennial ocean views and vegan banana bread. My self-worth was like a neglected houseplant: alive but wilting.

Things came to a head one night in Melbourne. It was during my exchange year at university, and my housemates suggested we spend a night journaling under the stars. Very main character vibes, right? As I stared up at the Southern Hemisphere’s constellations (and casually tried to remember which way was east), I was hit by a truly inconvenient thought: What if the person I needed to impress the most had been me all along?

Mind you, this realization didn’t come with fireworks or the sudden ability to stop doubting myself. But it planted a seed that said, “Maybe, just maybe, you could try something different.”

The Awkward Middle: Self-Love Isn’t Always a Glow-Up

You’d think this would be the part where I miraculously learned to love myself overnight. Nope. Emotional growth isn’t a straight line; it’s a two-step forward, one-step-back tango. And I’m not talking a smooth, rom-com ballroom kind of tango. This was the Gangnam Style of personal growth—chaotic and mildly embarrassing.

Step one was learning to stop tying my worth to others' opinions. Sounds easy, but oh boy, is it sticky. One particularly illuminating moment came courtesy of a date that felt like a setup by the universe. Enter: Jonathan—not his real name, but let’s call him that for emotional anonymity.

Jonathan and I were sharing stories over drinks (me: gushing about Vancouver’s beaches; him: droning on about his crypto portfolio—mistakes were made). At some point, he leaned in and said, “You know, you’d be so much hotter if you smiled more.” Reader, I froze. A younger me might’ve tilted my lips into a grin and brushed it off, but in that moment, something shifted. I realized I didn’t need his approval. I wasn’t an accessory to someone else’s life story—I was starring in my own.

Was it petty that I immediately texted my friends to recount the drama? Perhaps. But it felt glorious, like I was finally building boundaries where there had once been self-doubt.

Brick by Brick: Building a Relationship With Yourself

Self-love doesn’t mean you’ll always feel great about yourself. It means you treat yourself with kindness even when you don’t. Here’s what made the difference for me:

  • Flip the Script: I started talking to myself the way I’d talk to a friend. Example: If my bestie forgets something important, I don’t call her an idiot—I tell her it’s no big deal. So, why was I so brutal to myself? Replacing “you’re so bad at this” with “you’re doing your best” was life-changing.
  • Celebrate the Small Wins: There’s power in acknowledging the little things. Did I take a long walk on Jericho Beach to clear my head? Check. Say no to doing something out of sheer obligation? Double check. Progress isn’t always flashy—it’s quietly cumulative.
  • Define Success On Your Own Terms: Growing up, I thought “success” required life plans as polished as Vancouver’s condo brochures. But slowly, I learned that success isn’t a one-size-fits-all deal. For me, it meant building a life that didn’t just look good but felt good.

For anyone embarking on this journey, here’s what I’ve learned: Be ridiculously kind to yourself. Learn the difference between self-love and self-obsession—the former is rooting for your own growth; the latter is building a shrine to your ego. It’s also okay to mess up. The path isn’t paved, and that’s the beauty of it.

The Takeaway: Loving Yourself Isn’t the Finale—It’s the Plot Twist

Let me be clear: I am still not a “radiate self-love 24/7” person. I have days where my confidence feels like a paper-thin sweater in Tofino’s rainstorms. But those days don’t derail me the way they used to. Self-love isn’t a destination; it’s an ongoing relationship, and wow, has it made every other relationship in my life richer and more authentic.

If you’re on this path, here’s the pep talk I wish I’d had: You don’t need to “fix” yourself to be lovable. You’re not a project. You’re a living, breathing, evolving being with quirks, flaws, and unmatched potential. And those glimpses of self-doubt? They’re like clouds passing over Vancouver’s skyline—interesting to look at but temporary.

So start small. Practice staring into the mirror—not to critique, but to recognize. You’ll find someone worth loving staring back at you. And when you do, pour them the biggest mug of whatever fills their cup, sit with them, and stay awhile.