Why Playing ‘Hard to Get’ Isn’t as Hard as You Think

Ah, the age-old game of “hard to get.” Just the mention of it sparks visions of rom-com moments: lingering glances across a crowded room, ignored text messages that scream “I’m definitely interested but I’m pretending I’m not,” and the intricate dance of being juuuust elusive enough to keep someone hooked. It’s a delicate balance—too much mystery and they’ll lose interest; not enough, and you might come off as overeager. But here’s the real kicker: playing hard to get isn’t about game-playing at all. It’s about setting boundaries, knowing your worth, and embracing a little thing I like to call “intentional unavailability.”

Let’s break it down and figure out why this so-called game is actually less about strategy and more about self-respect.

The Myth vs. The Reality of “Hard to Get”

First, let’s address the elephant in the room: playing hard to get has a bad rap. It feels manipulative, doesn’t it? Like a game of emotional dodgeball where someone has to lose. But that’s not the real story.

Playing hard to get shouldn’t be about concocting fake drama, ignoring someone you’re genuinely into, or creating artificial hurdles to seem more desirable (we’ve all seen Clueless, and Tai’s “rollin’ with the homies” heartbreak still haunts me). Instead, think of it as creating space for someone to show their interest organically, without you chasing them down like a caffeine-deprived woman running after the Starbucks truck.

The secret is this: it’s not about withholding affection or attention—it’s about making sure you’re honoring your own time and energy while observing how invested the other person is. Because guess what? You’re worth the effort, sunshine.

Step Into the Power of Intentional Unavailability

Let me paint you a picture: Growing up in Charleston, my Saturdays were sacred. My family would gather for a lowcountry boil—a symphony of crab legs, sausage, and shrimp, steaming on a picnic table under a moss-draped oak tree. We were all there, phones tucked away, diving into plates of deliciousness while my grandmama told stories about her younger days and the dashing, stubborn sailor who eventually won her over. She once told me, “Chile, I didn’t play hard to get—I just didn’t overplay my hand.”

Here’s what she meant: You don’t need to plaster yourself all over someone’s calendar to show you care. Sometimes, intentionally allowing room in your schedule creates more authentic, meaningful connections. You’re signaling, “My life is rich and full,” while naturally encouraging that person to pursue you on equal ground.

If You’re Already Exhausted, Stop Holding the Conversation Hostage

We’ve all been there: texting back and forth like you’re running a telethon, carrying the entire conversation while the other person just plops down vague answers like they’re pushing peas around on their plate. Here’s a tip from someone who’s learned the hard way: if you’re leading every exchange, it’s time to let it rest like a Sunday gumbo.

When you stop over-investing in the back-and-forth, one of two things will happen: They’ll realize they actually have to put some thought into the conversation, or they’ll fade into the background like a side character who wasn’t meant to stick around. Either way, you win.

Quality Over Quantity: The Gullah Geechee Rule

There’s a beautiful saying in Gullah culture: “Tek cyare da root, and ya tree gon bear good fruit.” (Take care of the root, and your tree will bear good fruit.) In dating, that translates to focusing on meaningful, well-tended connections rather than spreading your attention across a shallow sea.

Here’s how that looks in practice:
- Instead of rushing to reply the second your phone dings, take your time. How do you feel about their message? Does it invite a real conversation, or is it just filler?
- Don’t overshare too soon. Share bits of yourself like breadcrumbs leading to the prize—your full, undivided energy. Let them earn it.
- Prioritize people who respect your time and effort. If they’re more invested in keeping things casual and surface-level, that’s your cue to move on.

The Balance Between Mystery and Authenticity

Now, you might be wondering, “Ebony, how do I balance being ‘mysterious’ without feeling like I’m acting?” Great question. Here’s the trick: mystery isn’t about being secretive. It’s about being selective.

For example, you don’t have to divulge your whole life story by date two (save the embarrassing middle school flop era for when they’ve earned your trust). Instead, let them learn about you over time. Tell them about your favorite jazz artist or how you secretly sing Aretha Franklin songs in your car. Share enough to keep the conversation alive, but not so much that you’ve solved all the riddles of your personality in one sitting.

Authenticity is the cornerstone here. Because while a little bit of mystery is alluring, letting someone see the real, raw, occasionally awkward you? That’s magnetic.

Spoiler: It’s About Emotional Availability, Not Physical Availability

Here’s the ultimate plot twist to playing hard to get: it’s not about where you are or how quickly you respond to a text—it’s about how present you are emotionally when you do connect.

So, the next time someone asks, “What’s your schedule like this week?” don’t panic and clear your entire calendar. Offer a time that fits snugly into your existing routine. And if your schedule doesn’t allow it? Politely let them know you’re unavailable and suggest an alternative. Show them you value your time (and theirs) without bending over backward to accommodate someone new.

And for the love of all that is holy, resist the urge to play texting games like, “I’ll wait exactly 27 minutes before texting them back!” Sis, it’s the 21st century. We’re grown. None of us have time to turn dating into a math problem.

Your Invitation to Be Chased

Here’s what it all comes down to: You deserve to be pursued. Not in a “Netflix’s You” creepy-stalker kind of way—but in a “Wow, they genuinely want to get to know me” kind of way. By embracing intentional unavailability, honoring your own time, and balancing authenticity with mystery, you’re giving the right people the chance to step into the role of pursuer.

So let them. Bask in the glow of being desired without feeling like you’re doing all the heavy lifting.

And remember: you’re not playing hard to get—you are hard to get. Because anything worth pursuing is worth a little effort.

Go forth, flirt fearlessly, and remember: boundaries aren’t walls—they’re red carpets for the people who deserve your energy.