How to Be Authentically You (Without Scaring Everyone Off)

There’s a moment in every relationship—whether new or old—when you’re faced with a single, terrifying question: “Am I being too much?” Maybe it’s during a first date when you admit you kind of prefer pineapple on pizza and watch their expression shift into mild horror. (Yes, it’s a crime to some, but you’re just living your truth.) Or maybe it’s years into a partnership when you wonder if your annual rewatch of The Lord of the Rings extended edition trilogy is causing more strain than you realize.

While modern dating likes to sell us a version of ourselves that’s perfectly curated—spotless, smooth, optimized for likes—real relationships tend to flourish in the messy middle. But how do you balance keeping it real without morphing into that person who overshares about their attachment style 15 minutes into a coffee date? Spoiler: It’s an art form. Let’s break it down.

Know Your “Signature Cocktail” of Traits

Here’s the thing: you’re not an everything bagel, and you don’t need to be all things to everyone. (Trust me, I tried that in my 20s, and all it got me was a revolving door of mismatched connections.) Every person has a unique mix of traits, quirks, and priorities—the blend that defines you. Think of it as your “signature cocktail,” but in personality form.

Start by asking yourself:
- What are the traits that matter most to you in yourself?
- What do you bring to the table that feels uniquely yours?

For me, my cocktail mix includes an intense love of obscure Murakami novels, a veneration of old-school hip-hop, and a deep-seated obsession with latte art (yes, I can make a tulip). I don’t force these on anyone, but I also don’t try to hide them. They’re me. Own your mix unapologetically. If someone isn’t into your vibe? Spoiler: They’re probably not your person.

Lean into Humor—But Keep It 50/50

Humor is a wildcard in relationships. It’s charming, disarming, and the quickest way to connect, but it’s also a balancing act. Misuse it, and you can come off as flippant or, worse, unrelatable (see also: that guy on Reddit who thinks quoting Rick and Morty is peak seduction).

The golden rule? Humor should always be shared, never weaponized. If you’re making fun of yourself, keep it light—I once tried masking my own awkwardness with hyper-self-deprecation, only to end up on a date where the other person started comforting me about my “alleged flaws.” (There’s nothing sexier than pity, right?)

Instead, weave in humor naturally: - Share funny but self-aware stories. (“One time I tried to impress someone by cooking French cuisine and accidentally set croissants on fire.” True story.) - Acknowledge a shared weird moment. (“This elevator music is one Celine Dion track away from being my ‘just got dumped’ playlist.”) - Show you can laugh at life’s curveballs. (“You got ghosted? Congrats, you’re officially in the 2023 dating club. Membership stickers go out next week.”)

Laughter is intimacy’s gateway drug. Use it wisely.

Vulnerability: The Right Amount at the Right Time

Vulnerability gets thrown around these days like confetti—“be vulnerable,” says every Instagram therapist, while softly acoustic indie plays in the background. And they’re not wrong! But also… sometimes they are.

Vulnerability is about timing. Authenticity doesn’t mean you need to spill all your skeletons on date one like it’s an audition for a reality TV therapy session. Rather, it’s about gradually letting someone in, like opening the curtains a little more with every sunrise.

Here’s an easy mental check:
- Ask yourself, “Would I be okay if this person repeated this story at a party... tomorrow?” If the answer is no, maybe shelve your deep dive into messy childhood friendships for date three.
- Lead with the small stuff first to build trust. (“I cried during Paddington 2. Twice.”) This opens the door for deeper convos later.

Pro tip: Authenticity is not a vulnerability arms race. It’s okay to keep a little mystery—especially about how much money you’ve spent trying to own a rare Taylor Swift concert hoodie.

Drop the Filters: Real-Life Chemistry > Curated Perfection

Let’s talk perfection, that glittering and completely unachievable deity we keep chasing. You don’t need to be perfectly polished all the time—relationships aren’t LinkedIn profiles. No one (who matters) is attracted to the idea of a robot who wakes up early to meditate and never scrolls TikTok in bed. So, to channel an old Brooklyn saying: drop the act.

For example:
- If you’re not a gym person, don’t pretend you “love hikes” because you think it’ll make you sound outdoorsy. (Pro tip: true hikers know when you're lying.) - Leave the filters for Instagram. Your laugh-while-eating-something-messy look might be your most endearing one. (Sidenote: I once charmed a date by dropping a bite of sushi in my lap. Did it stain my jeans? Yes. But it also broke the ice.)

The truth is, curated perfection kills spontaneity. The best relationships click not because both people are flawless, but because their authentic selves sync up in beautiful, messy ways. Show up messy (but more importantly, show up real), and let the connection unfold as it may.

Give People Permission to Be Themselves Too

This is one of the sneakiest secrets of being authentically you—it gives other people the freedom to do the same. When you drop your guard, the person across from you is more likely to drop theirs, and that’s when real chemistry becomes possible.

This isn’t about perfect “compatibility scoring” or doing some cosmic calculations to merge personalities. It’s about creating a space for two evolving, complicated humans to show up imperfectly and see if it clicks.

Be the kind of person who sets the tone: - Respond with curiosity instead of judgment when someone shares their quirks or thoughts. (“You keep a spreadsheet of movie ratings? That’s definitely some ‘main character in a Netflix documentary’ energy. Tell me more.”) - Compliment their uniqueness. (“I have no idea how you know so much about birds, but I want you as my trivia teammate immediately.”) - Show gratitude for their honesty, even if it surprises you. (“Honestly, I would’ve never guessed that you listen to polka jazz, but I respect it. No shame here.”)

Authenticity is contagious. Be brave, and you’ll draw in the brave ones.

The Takeaway: Authenticity Is Magnetic

The truth is, showing up as yourself in relationships isn’t just the best way to find someone who likes you for you—it’s the only way. While it can feel risky (because, honestly, rejection always sucks), it’s infinitely better than walking on eggshells in an imitation of your own life.

People don’t fall for perfection. They fall for honesty, humor, and that rare ability to say, “Yeah, I have weird quirks, and you do too. Let’s see if our weirdness matches.” Whether you’re looking for a partner, deepening a relationship, or just figuring out what you want, lead as you are… quirks, pineapple-pizza preferences, and all.

Because, as the Brooklyn kids like to say: your vibe attracts your tribe. Or, in this case, your date.

Now go forth, revel in your messy humanness, and maybe—just maybe—put a napkin on your lap before sushi night.