Introduction: Why “Things” Matter in Love and Life
Let’s get one thing straight: I’m not here to sell you the idea that material things can fill your heart in the way relationships can. We’re multi-layered beings who crave connection more than another throw pillow from Anthropologie (though I won’t lie—mine does spark joy). But the things we choose to surround ourselves with? They tell a story. They serve a purpose. And sometimes, they save us when love—or life—feels bigger, messier, and more complicated than we can handle.

For me? These essentials are a mix of practical tools, comforting rituals, and tiny sparks of happiness that anchor me to who I am. They also make navigating relationships just a little easier, whether I’m flirting at an art opening or hashing out a misunderstanding over morning coffee. So, here goes—a love letter to the things I simply can’t live without.

1. My Morning Mug: Love, Poured Hot
This isn’t just any coffee mug. It’s turquoise ceramic with an uneven lip, handmade by a Taos potter whose name I forgot but whose work I remember every time I cradle it in my hands. Morning coffee from this mug feels like Salvador Dalí handing me caffeine—it’s art, but it’s also slightly life-altering.

Why does it matter so much? Because every healthy relationship starts with taking care of yourself first, and my ritual of sipping coffee while staring out at the desert horizon is exactly that: care. It’s the buffer between me and the world before texts pile up or emotions run high. And on rushed mornings? Sharing a coffee with someone I care about feels intimate without needing a single word. Is a mug a substitute for therapy? No. But it’s a close second.

2. An Oversized Scarf: Comfort You Can Wear
Some people swear by their weighted blankets. For me, it’s my scarf. A faded, flowy thing I picked up in a Santa Fe market years ago, it smells faintly of cedar and lavender from my closet sachets. It’s as much a piece of clothing as it is a portable hug.

I’ve loaned this scarf to more people than I can count—friends crying over breakups, a date who miscalculated Albuquerque’s evening chill, and once, to a small dog who mistook suffering for dignity. Sometimes sharing something like this is the nonverbal "I'm thinking of you" that words can't offer. Relationships are about meeting people where they are, and sometimes, where they are is cold and emotionally confused.

3. The Playlist That Knows Me Better Than I Do
This is not just a playlist. This is an emotional lifeboat. It’s got everything from Brandi Carlile (for introspection) to Fleetwood Mac (for the messy but iconic energy we all aspire to) to the occasional Selena throwback (because, like love, rhythm never goes out of style).

One time, driving home from a date that had “great on paper but oh-so-awkward in real life” energy, Blondie’s Heart of Glass came on. I laughed so hard I had to pull over. In that moment, I realized that humor and a killer soundtrack can make even the weirdest night feel meaningful. Relationships can break your heart; music stitches it back together.

Tip: Curate a playlist before the heartbreak so you’re ready when the tears start. And if someone makes you a playlist? That’s marriage-level intimacy. Cherish it.

4. A Sketchbook: Seeing People, Differently
Dating in a city like Santa Fe is a kaleidoscope. There’s the musician who turns every conversation back to his EP, the poet who makes his intense eye contact your problem. And there’s also the quiet charmer whose smile feels like the moment a storm clears. You meet them all here, and when I’m overwhelmed by it? I draw.

Sketching isn’t about their likeness; it’s about slowing down enough to see what’s real. The subtle slouch of someone nervous to ask for the second date. The way their shoulders lighten when you laugh at their bad joke. Relationships are built on seeing each other for who you really are, quirks and all. My sketchbook reminds me to do that.

5. A Stash of Dark Chocolate: Sweet Enough for the Tough Days
Chocolate might not solve life’s problems, but it does whisper, “Hey, maybe not everything’s terrible.” I keep a bar of local chile-infused dark chocolate in my kitchen for those exact moments when love—or lack thereof—throws me a curveball.

One time, during what shall henceforth be known as “The Great Texting Misunderstanding of 2020,” I opened that chocolate instead of sending a passive-aggressive emoji. By the time I was done savoring two squares, I’d decided to just call him instead. Conflict de-escalated, thanks to cacao and chilies. As I always say, “Never fight on an empty stomach. Or without dessert.”

6. My Hiking Boots: Finding Clarity on the Trail
When things go south in love (or life), my boots and I hit the dirt trails that wind through juniper and piñon trees. If your relationship choices seem tangled, try walking through an actual literal tangle of roots and rocks. Something about it quiets the noise in your head and gets you unstuck.

There’s a metaphor in there, too: every step forward matters, even when you’re not sure where the trail leads. When I bring a partner along? It’s a test. How they handle sweat, silence, and spiderwebs tells me more than any deep conversation over wine ever could. Spoiler: if they’re not willing to share snacks halfway up the climb, it’s a no from me.

7. A Watercolor Kit: Painting New Perspectives
I bought my first watercolor set at 15 with babysitting money, and though I don’t use it daily anymore, it’s still on my “essentials” list. Why? Because relationships—whether new and sparkly or old and steady—thrive on creativity and patience. Painting gives me both.

When I feel stuck in a misunderstanding or overwhelmed by everything unsaid, painting gently reminds me that messes can be beautiful. You might mix the wrong colors, make a muddle of the initial strokes, but eventually you step back and realize it works. Love is the same way—messy, bold, and occasionally smudged, but worth the effort if you stick with it.

8. Candlelight: Because Love Deserves a Glow
Soft light does something to a room, to a conversation, to a relationship. It’s not about romance—though sure, candles help there, too—but about carving moments from the noise of the world. A quiet dinner where time slows. A post-breakup sob session lit by flickering wicks (highly recommended: lavender-scented).

My favorites are handmade beeswax pillars I buy from a local vendor. They smell faintly of honey and smoke—and no, they don’t magically fix anything. But they do dim the harshness of feelings, turning everything golden. And when you care for someone, even yourself? Gold is the color you want everything wrapped in.

9. A Good Pen: Writing the Truth
They say you never really know what you think or feel until you write it down, which is why I always keep a pen nearby. It’s not fancy or expensive, just sturdy enough to scribble thoughts when my heart feels too full—or too heavy.

Writing helped me through the end of a four-year relationship that unraveled slowly, like threads from a loved but fraying sweater. Until I put those emotions to paper, I couldn’t let go of them. And sometimes, I use my pen for happier tasks—like writing little notes for the people I care about. A “thinking of you” left on a car dashboard goes a long way.

Conclusion: Things Can Be More Than Things
Look, love isn’t about the stuff we own. It’s about the people we choose and how we show up for them. But every item on this list—my quirky mug, my ragged scarf, my stash of chocolate—grounds me, supports me, or gives me clarity when human connection gets messy.

Think about your own essentials. What keeps you steady? What makes your world feel brighter, your heart feel lighter? Stock your life with those treasures, and when love finds you—or stays with you—you’ll already have the tools to embrace it. And a piece of advice? Always keep chocolate handy.