The Habit That Saved Me

I wish I could tell you that the habit that changed my life was something glamorous—like sunrise yoga on a mountaintop or a cutting-edge gratitude journal app endorsed by Oprah herself. But nope. The habit that saved me—a perpetually multitasking, occasionally chaos-prone human—was this: I learned to pause.

It wasn’t easy, and it certainly didn’t come naturally. But pressing the metaphorical (and sometimes literal) pause button has not only saved me from a string of ill-advised decisions but has also made my relationships—romantic, familial, platonic, and even with myself—a whole lot stronger.

Let me break it down for you, because trust me, this didn’t happen overnight.

Why Pausing Matters: Or That Time I Almost Texted My Ex

Let me set the scene: It’s a sticky August night in Portland. I’m sitting in my apartment, swaddled in a blanket I have no business needing in this heat, scrolling through photos from a particularly cringe-worthy camping trip. Think broken tent poles, burnt marshmallows, and me looking like I’m auditioning for the role of “Disoriented Camper #3.” My phone buzzes, and there it is: a text from my ex.

A simple, emotionally loaded “Hey.”

Without the power of pausing, I would’ve responded instantly. And that response probably would’ve fallen into one of two categories: 1) A defiant “What do you want?” dripping in passive-aggression, or 2) something disastrous, like “Heyyyyyy” with far too many y’s. Both avenues would’ve spiraled into regret faster than you can say, “Ugh, why did I do that?”

Instead, I paused. I didn’t type anything. I put the phone down, paced my apartment like I was working out choreography for a melodramatic breakup ballad, and gave myself time to really think. After twenty minutes (okay, maybe an hour), I decided not to respond at all. And guess what? By the next morning, my urge to engage was gone, and my head—and heart—remained unscathed.

The Science of the Pause: Did Jedi Masters Have It Right?

Fun fact: In Navajo traditions, silence is deliberate. It’s intentional. It’s not awkward or empty; it’s filled with purpose, reflection, and respect. Growing up, I saw this modeled by my elders. But let me tell you, as a drama-fueled teenager mainlining episodes of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, you couldn’t have paid me to slow down and think before I spoke. I wanted quick comebacks, fiery arguments, and Big Feelings 24/7. (I blame the WB Network.)

Fast forward to adulthood, when I realized slowing down might just be the secret sauce to emotional intelligence. Research even backs this up! Neuroscience tells us that by pausing before reacting, we let the rational, cooler part of our brain—the prefrontal cortex—step in. That’s the difference between thoughtfully crafting a response and throwing a verbal grenade you’ll regret.

The great Obi-Wan Kenobi said it best: “Patience, young padawan.” Turns out, he wasn’t just training wannabe Jedi knights; he was doling out advice any emotionally combustible person could use on a Tuesday night when they’re three glasses of wine deep.

Places Where Pausing Works Its Magic

Let me tell you, once I embraced this idea of “pausing first, acting second,” it started working wonders across all areas of my life.

1. In Arguments (AKA The Word Vomit Zone)

Ever found yourself arguing with someone, only to realize halfway through that you have no idea what you’re even fighting about anymore? Guilty as charged. Pausing has stopped so many fights in their tracks for me, mostly because it gives me a moment to ask myself, “Is this really the hill I want to die on?” Spoiler: It almost never is.

Practical Tip: When things get heated, say, “I need a minute to think about that.” Walk it off, write it out, or do literally anything else to let the temperature drop.

2. Before Big Decisions

A few years ago, I was certain Portland wasn’t for me anymore. I’d convinced myself I needed a new city with an entirely new vibe. But instead of packing up my cacti and starting over in some dazzling metropolis, I paused and asked myself, “Am I running toward something better, or running away from something hard?” Turns out, the issue wasn’t the city but my perspective.

Practical Tip: Write down the pros and cons of your decision, then leave it alone for 24 hours before acting. It’s amazing what clarity can emerge.

3. While Listening (For Real, Not Just to Reply)

When I started intentionally pausing in conversation, something wild happened: I actually heard people. I wasn’t formulating my next point while they spoke; I was absorbing their words. Deep listening became my new default, and my relationships improved across the board. My mom? Thrilled. My friends? Seen. That stranger at the coffee shop who really wanted to tell me about their cactus-collecting hobby? Well... let’s call that a mixed bag.

Practical Tip: When someone’s talking, count to three before responding. It sounds silly, but it forces you to stay present and thoughtful.

The Ripple Effect of Quiet Moments

Pausing didn’t just help me sidestep bad texts or awkward arguments; it helped me reconnect with curiosity and creativity. When the world stopped feeling like one long sprint, I noticed things I’d overlooked—like the way my partner’s face lights up when they’re geeking out about science fiction or the peace that comes from sitting in silence during a New Mexican sunset.

Even my solo moments have transformed. Pausing taught me to notice myself, too. What do I need in this moment? To rest? To dance like no one’s watching? (Pro tip: Someone is always watching, but who cares?) To call a friend and cry-laugh about that one time we got lost trying to find the Grand Canyon? When I listen, I learn.

The Tiny Habit That Changes Everything

You don’t need a full-blown lifestyle overhaul to reap the benefits of pausing. Start with these baby steps:

  • Before replying to a tricky email or text, take one deep breath. Seriously, just one.
  • When conflict arises, repeat to yourself: “Pause, don’t pounce.” (This has saved many a family dinner for me.)
  • Practice pausing in low-stakes moments. At a red light? Don’t scroll your phone. Just sit. Waiting in line? Resist the urge to multitask.
  • Give yourself permission to wait. Not everything needs an immediate answer—or action.

A Love Letter to Pausing

Here’s the thing: Pausing doesn’t mean being passive, frozen, or indecisive. It’s about giving yourself the space to gather your thoughts, check your gut, and lead with intention. Learning this habit was one of the best gifts I’ve ever given myself—second only to that heated blanket I swaddle in year-round.

So the next time life throws you a curveball, a cryptic text, or an intense conversation, let yourself pause. Step back, breathe, and remember: You’re allowed to take your time. After all, life isn't a sprint—it’s a lovingly tangled, complicated, gorgeous marathon.

Go at your own pace.