Loving Yourself Is an Inside Job—But I Took the Long Way

Let me paint a picture for you: me, at twenty-five, standing in a department store dressing room while fluorescent lights highlighted every insecurity I’d ever had about my body. I was holding a pair of skinny jeans I had no business trying on, but I was determined to squeeze into them because some fashion blog told me they would “elongate my legs.” Spoiler alert: they didn’t.

I stood there picking myself apart, not just for the jeans, but for everything. My too-wide smile. My hair that could never decide if it was wavy or just unruly. My personality, which I unfairly deemed “too much.” I vividly remember thinking, If only I could be confident. Confident people don’t fall apart over denim.

It’s taken years of trial, error, and moments of embarrassing clarity, but I’ve learned something huge since then: loving yourself doesn’t come from fixing what’s outside—it’s about making peace with what’s inside. No magic pair of jeans or perfectly lit selfie can do the work for you. Here’s how I got there (and how you can, too).

Step One: Meet Yourself Where You Are

Ever heard the phrase, “Start where you are, use what you have, do what you can”? Yeah, Arthur Ashe was onto something. Self-love doesn’t come with a quarterly planner and checkboxes. It starts by getting brutally honest with yourself about where you’re at and who you are right now—flaws, quirks, and all.

For me, stepping into that honesty felt like bumping into the corners of my personality I wanted to avoid. I realized I was terrified of public failure, quick to apologize for things that weren’t my fault, and so afraid of rejection that I practically handed out disclaimers at the start of all my relationships. (“Hi, just so you know, I’m not perfect, but I am very good at adopting stray cats and overthinking text messages.”)

It wasn’t easy to admit, but it was the first step. I sat with those truths like I was meeting some exasperating family member for coffee. I didn’t need to love it all yet, but I tried to understand it. That tiny shift—to curiosity instead of judgment—opened the door to something bigger.

Step Two: Call In Your Inner Nature Guide

I grew up in Idaho, where my backyard was half-alpine forest, half-lakeview. When you’re surrounded by natural beauty, it teaches you something: perfection isn’t what makes things beautiful; it’s the quirks. It’s the moss growing unevenly on a rock or the way snow dusts pine trees just before it melts away.

So, I applied that philosophy to myself. Nature doesn’t apologize for its uneven edges or try to force every mountain peak to look like the next. Why should I? This mindset shift wasn’t an instant fix (I still avoided floor-length mirrors for a while), but it planted something small and wild inside me—a seed of self-acceptance.

Think of it this way: you don’t need to be perfect to be worthy. All those “messy” parts of you? They’re what make you human. Like the crack in a coffee mug that gives it personality, your perceived flaws are a reminder that you’re real.

Step Three: Choose Growth Over Grading Yourself

There’s this weird idea that self-love means waking up every day and declaring, “I love everything about myself! Look at how amazing I am!” Spoiler alert: that’s not self-love. That’s an inspirational quote stitched onto a throw pillow, not a functional life skill.

Here’s what self-love looks like in real time: waking up, looking at the things you don’t love about yourself, and choosing not to punish yourself for them. It’s saying, “Hey, I didn’t handle that situation yesterday the best, but I can do better today.”

Basically, it’s about shifting from self-grading to self-growing. Imagine that you’re a tiny sapling in a forest. You’re not going to become a 200-year-old cedar overnight. Trees don’t rush—it takes decades of leaning toward the sun for them to grow stronger. Be the tree.

One practical thing I did during this phase? I swapped out my list of negative self-talk for one that celebrated small growths. Instead of berating myself for being “awkward,” I gave myself a high five (mentally, at least) for seizing small moments of courage, like initiating a tough conversation or smiling at someone instead of staring at my phone.

Step Four: Turn the Volume Down on Comparison

This will sound obvious, but it turns out Instagram is not real life. (Who knew?) The version of people we see online—the filtered, posed one with the sparkling vacations and flat abs—isn’t the complete picture. Yet, we forget this constantly, measuring ourselves against curated moments that rarely tell the full story.

I had to face this reality when scrolling through my feed felt like scrolling through a catalog of everything I thought I lacked. Everyone seemed shinier than me—more successful, better styled, and deeply in love with their golden retrievers. It left me feeling flat, like I was the dullest crayon in the box.

Then one day, I flipped the script. I asked myself one small question: Who’s curating my feed?. The answer was glaringly obvious—I was. I had to pause and think, Why am I choosing to follow people who only make me feel bad about myself?.

So, I hit “unfollow” like it was an emergency button. I swapped out accounts that drained me for those that inspired me—not just in a “My house is aesthetic beige perfection” way, but people who shared real, unfiltered humanity. It was liberating. It reminded me that everyone has doubts and struggles, even if they’d rather show you a brunch flat lay instead.

Step Five: Date Yourself (Yes, Really)

Here comes the fun part: start treating yourself like the person you’ve been trying to impress your whole life. When was the last time you took yourself on a date? For me, it looked like grabbing a coffee, walking along Lake Coeur d’Alene, and watching the sun do its watercolor thing on the water. No phone, no looking around to see who might be watching, just me and the moment.

There’s something wildly transformative about learning to enjoy your own company. I used to treat my alone time as this awkward in-between phase, like I was waiting for the next person to keep me whole. But once I saw solitude as something sacred, I stopped meeting myself in passing and started committing to actual quality time.

Pro tips for dating yourself:
- Find an activity you genuinely enjoy (not something you do because it’s trendy).
- Splurge a little. Order the dessert. Buy the concert ticket. Life’s short, and you deserve the first-class treatment.
- Journal about what you did and how it made you feel—it’s a great way to look back and see how far you’ve come.

Step Six: Forgive Yourself and Start Again

Here’s where I get real with you: self-love is never one-and-done. It’s not like a perfectly frosted cake ready to be cut and shared. It’s a practice, one where you fail, slip, and get back up again more times than you can count.

I still have days when that old department store mirror mindset sneaks in, whispering doubts about whether I’m enough. But on those days, I remind myself of the truth: there’s no version of me that’s “more worthy” than the one standing right here, right now, overcooking pasta and forgetting where I left my car keys.

Learning to love ourselves is the greatest gift we can give, not just to ourselves but to everyone we meet. Imagine if we all walked through life knowing our beauty extended from our very being—not as something to prove, but something undeniable.

So, here’s your homework. Find a mirror tonight. Look yourself in the eyes and say, “I’m here. I’m human. And I’m enough.” It’ll feel weird at first—I’m pretty sure I laughed out loud the first time I did it—but trust me, you’re planting something when you do. Just like that quirky forest rock, you’re perfectly imperfect, and perfectly you.