The Habit That Saved Me

Some people swear by yoga. Others wake up at 5 a.m. to journal their innermost thoughts, usually accompanied by a perfectly frothy oat milk latte. But for me, the habit that saved my life wasn't wrapped in incense smoke or trendy productivity hacks. My game-changer came from something much simpler and far less glamorous: the art of the pause.

No, I’m not talking about some mindful meditation technique you found on TikTok between crockpot recipes and choreographed dance duets. I’m talking about the simple act of pausing before I react. A deliberate, practiced moment to—quite literally—just stop and think. Revolutionary, right? I know.

As obvious as it sounds now, I assure you, it didn’t come naturally—especially when it came to relationships.

The Knee-Jerk Chronicles: How I Learned to Hit the Brakes

To set the scene: I grew up in Buckhead. Emotions were meant to be “managed,” not expressed. Charm and grace were paramount, which is why no one told me how dangerously close my habit of reacting quickly—not thoughtfully—was to becoming a sport. Whether it was a biting comeback during an argument or an impulsive “we need to talk” text sent at 2:14 a.m., I was lightning-fast when it came to acting on feelings in real time. And spoiler alert: that was rarely a good thing.

Take one notable incident in my mid-20s. I was dating this charming architect who wore his intellect like a perfectly tailored blazer—just loose enough to make you swoon but structured enough to command respect. Things were going well… until they weren’t.

One Saturday evening at a gallery opening (as one does in Atlanta), I noticed him laughing a little too warmly with a woman in a red silk dress. I could’ve paused, introduced myself, and joined their conversation like a reasonable adult. Instead, fresh off two glasses of overpriced Chardonnay, I concocted an elaborate narrative about their torrid love affair and decided to confront him during the drive home. My opening statement? "So, tell me, do all your future building designs look as cheap as that laugh with Miss Red Satin?”

Let’s just say the car ride got very quiet, very fast.

Why Reacting Doesn’t Equal Resolving

Here’s the thing about reacting in the heat of the moment: it feels productive. You’re “handling” things. Or so you think. But what I’ve come to realize is that reacting isn’t the same as resolving. It’s like responding to an angry email with Caps Lock ON or trying to fix a wobbly chair by kicking it. Sure, there's movement happening… but is it constructive? Absolutely not.

The turning point for me came during a conversation with my mom—notorious for her Southern grace under pressure. As I vented about the fiasco with Mr. Architect (conveniently editing out my snarky one-liner), she paused before responding.

After what felt like an eternity, she gently said, “Sweetheart, maybe instead of being so quick to defend your feelings, you could first take a moment to understand them.”

It hit me like a Wellfleet oyster shot after dessert—unexpected and bracing. I’d been so eager to have my emotions validated that I’d never stopped to figure out what they were really trying to tell me.

The Power of the Pause

Pausing before reacting isn’t about repressing emotions. I’m not suggesting you transform into some zen cyborg humming “om” while your feelings bubble away in a cast-iron pot. It’s about creating space between the spark and the fire. It's a habit I’ve cultivated with daily effort, and here’s what I’ve learned:

  1. You Don’t Have to Answer Every Emotional Email Right Away
    Not every pang of annoyance or rush of giddy excitement requires an immediate reply. Feelings deserve attention, but they don’t always demand action on the spot.

  2. Silence Isn’t Weakness; It’s Strategy
    Pausing can feel risky, especially if you’re someone who equates silence with losing control. Truth is, control doesn’t come from talking first—it comes from choosing what to say and how to say it after you’ve sized up whatever’s in front of you.

  3. Clarity Sounds Different in the Morning
    This is my personal favorite. There’s nothing quite like rereading a 500-word text draft or recalling an unhinged confrontation and then realizing the morning after… none of it was the flex you’d imagined it to be. Trust me, sleep on it. Literally.

How It Transformed My Relationships

Since adopting my pause-centric approach to life, my relationships have shifted dramatically—for the better. That’s not to say my partner and I never bicker. We DO. We’re two real humans navigating everything from thermostat wars to deciding when (if ever) it’s time to delete our exes’ Netflix logins. But now, when I feel myself spiraling into reaction mode, I hit the brakes. Sometimes, I excuse myself to go “check on the roast” (whether or not one’s cooking is irrelevant). Other times, I simply take a deep breath and remind myself: assume good intent until proven otherwise.

Funny what space—just a couple seconds or minutes of it—can do. Arguments that once would’ve spiraled into hours-long dramas now get resolved in half the time. Even my girlfriends noticed it. “Carrie, you’re like, emotionally buffering!” one joked after an argument. I took it as a compliment.

How You Can Build the Habit

If you find yourself a chronic reactor like I used to be, don’t worry—this, too, can be rewired over time.

Here are a few strategies that helped me embrace the pause:

  • Set a Default Delay
    When you feel triggered, train yourself to do something completely unrelated before responding. Make tea, water your plants, or channel Olivia Pope and grab a long-stem wineglass.

  • Write It Out (Unsent)
    Draft the impulsive text or email. Edit it ruthlessly as though you’re Turner Broadcasting circa 1997 censoring Titanic. Then delete it altogether unless it still seems necessary.

  • Ask Yourself: “What’s My Goal?”
    This question is a lifesaver. Before reacting, consider whether your endgame is to connect, resolve, or just vent. Then adjust accordingly.

  • Phone a Friend—Preferably One With Restraint
    Even catharsis needs moderation. Share your feelings with that level-headed friend who listens but doesn’t feed the fire. Warning: any “you should key his car” enablers should be avoided like Atlanta traffic.

A Habit Worth Keeping

When we’re caught up in the chaos of emotion, pausing feels counterintuitive. It requires going against every instinct to fight, flee, or flood someone’s inbox with receipts. But if there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that the pause isn’t about suppressing yourself—it’s about showing up for yourself. Giving yourself the grace to process before you pounce.

So the next time life hands you a spark that threatens to ignite your inner flame thrower, try it. Pause. Think. Wait. After all, you’re the architect of your responses. And trust me, the designs come out a lot better when you give yourself time to grab the right tools.