The day I knew I needed to rethink my approach to relationships started with a text: “Hey, Leslie! So sorry… I forgot my grandma's cat’s birthday is today. Rain check?” I stared at my phone, wondering three things. First: Do cats actually have birthday parties? Second: How is this always happening to me? And third: Is it time to do some serious self-reflection?
Relationships, whether they’re at the sparkly beginning or the cozy middle, can feel overwhelming, confusing, and just plain hard. But more often than not, the real work starts not with someone else, but with yourself. And that’s where authenticity comes in—a buzzword that gets tossed around like a hacky sack but has real weight when it comes to making genuine connections. Let’s dive into how embracing your own story and values can be the secret sauce for relationships that don’t have you canceling plans for metaphorical cat parties.
Why Authenticity is the Real Relationship Glow-Up
Imagine walking into a coffee shop to meet someone for a first date. You’ve rehearsed all the witty one-liners you could conjure, layered on more deodorant than necessary, and mentally bookmarked five safe topics of conversation (politics? Nope. Favorite pizza toppings? Yes). But halfway through your oat milk latte, you realize you’re performing—a slightly more polished but not entirely accurate version of yourself. How exhausting is that?
What if you could show up and just… be? No self-censoring, no worrying if your love for mid-2000s emo bands is going to scare them off. When you bring your true self to the table—quirks, vulnerabilities, and all—you not only relax but also allow the other person the same freedom. It’s like flipping on a light bulb in a dim room. Suddenly, the whole interaction feels warmer, clearer, and a lot easier to navigate.
Step 1: Own Your Weird
Here’s the thing about being "cool": it’s overrated. Nobody remembers the person who played it completely safe in life and love. Think about the irresistible energy of someone geeking out over their love of birdwatching or stomping their boots at a Fleetwood Mac tribute show. If your true self binge-rewatches “Parks and Recreation” every fall or dreams about someday opening a pancake food truck, lean into it. No relationship worth its salt will ask you to pull back the parts of you that make you, you.
For me, this realization came when I kept downplaying my origins in Boise. I once told a date I was “more of a city girl than I probably seem.” This was, of course, a lie. The truth is, I spend my Saturdays hiking in the foothills and believe the best conversations happen over a pint of something brewed locally. When I stopped glossing over that and let people know the potato farmer-turned-writer in me, everything changed. Suddenly, I attracted people who not only got that but appreciated it.
So, let’s flip the dialogue: What’s a passion or identity you think makes you “different”? Stop sandpapering those edges. They’re where your light shines.
Step 2: Set the Tone Early
Relationships operate a lot like making beer (hear me out). The fermentation—the stuff that leads to deep, soulful connection—only works if the foundational ingredients are honest. If you start by pretending to be someone you're not, the whole batch can end up a little “off.”
In conversation, honesty doesn’t have to be heavy. It can be as simple as saying, “I actually hate sushi, but I’d love to check out that taco truck with you,” or, “I’m terrible at bowling, but I’m down for some laughs.” Showing up authentically creates space for well-matched people to lean in and for a connection to grow organically. And if someone isn’t into who you genuinely are? Better to know sooner rather than six months and a shared Netflix password in.
Step 3: Keep a Reality Check Handy
While being genuine is the goal, don’t confuse this with oversharing all your baggage over the first drink at happy hour. ("Fun fact about me—I ghosted my last three exes because commitment freaks me out!") Authenticity doesn’t mean unloading your emotional storage unit onto someone without context or timing. It means giving yourself permission to be honest without rushing intimacy.
Here’s a trick: when you’re tempted to downplay an interest or habit just to “fit” the person in front of you, pause. Ask yourself, “Would I actually feel good keeping up this act long-term?” Authenticity doesn’t just attract others—it protects your own peace too. Trust me, pretending to love marathon training to keep up with someone only lasts until the blisters make you cry on the trail. (And yes, that definitely happened.)
Step 4: Humor is Your MVP
Have you ever noticed that even tough truths are easier to hear when they come with a side of humor? Whether you're navigating the early stages of a fling or making strides in a long-term relationship, humor can ease tension and showcase the playful side of your personality.
Think about the kinds of stories that make you laugh at yourself. For me, it’s usually tangled up in something awkward—like the time I accidentally signed up for an interpretive dance class I thought was yoga or tried to flirt using a weather pun. (“Let’s make it rain?” Really, Leslie?) We don’t connect with perfection; we connect through shared humanity. Self-deprecating wit shows you're not taking yourself too seriously, and let’s face it—most people love a good story where the hero trips over their own feet.
Step 5: Stick to Your Boundaries
Authenticity isn’t just about what you share; it’s about knowing where your limits are too. One of the best lessons I ever learned came from watching my grandparents, who ran their potato farm like a well-oiled machine (no pun intended). They worked hard, sure, but they also knew when to call it a day at sunset, pour themselves a glass of iced tea, and kick back on the porch. In love, as in farming, boundaries aren’t just important—they’re non-negotiable.
Know your values before getting into any situation, romantic or otherwise. If you need time for yourself, clearer communication, or a slower pace, vocalize it. Boundaries aren’t walls; they’re gates. They show others how best to approach you and help ensure you’re investing in something real and sustainable.
Takeaway: Being You is More Than Enough
At its core, the journey from flirtation to familiarity isn’t about impressing someone else. It’s about becoming so firmly rooted in who you are that love, friendship, or even rejection can’t shake you. Boise taught me the beauty of steady growth, whether it’s in the fields or relationships. Both take time, intentionality, and a solid foundation.
So, here’s the encouragement I’ll leave you with: Whether you’re stumbling through dating apps or working to strengthen a long-term partnership, give yourself permission to be seen. Honor your quirks, share your truth with humor, and stand confidently in your own story. Authentic relationships aren’t built on perfection—they’re built on the beauty of showing up, potato farms and all.
