Curiosity is the secret ingredient nobody talks about in relationships, but it’s there, working its quiet magic, like the Lowcountry seasoning in my grandmother’s gumbo. A dash of “I wonder why…” or “What happens if…” can lead to delightful discoveries, deeper connections, and occasionally, a comedic misstep or two. Being curious isn’t just a way to keep life interesting—it’s an essential tool for navigating love and relationships.
So let’s lean into the art of asking questions, of approaching the world (and each other) with childlike wonder. I’ll share a little of my own journey with curiosity and how it’s opened doors I didn’t even know existed. No spoilers, but this story involves an oyster roast, a book club scandal, and a relationship that taught me the power of embracing the unexpected.
What Happens When You Simply Ask?
My first lesson in the importance of curiosity came from a high school essay project. My Gullah Geechee heritage was central to my identity, but at 15, I didn’t fully understand it. I hesitated to ask my grandparents questions, unsure if they might view my curiosity as challenging their authority. But finally, I worked up the nerve to ask, “Granddad, why do you always whistle when you fry fish?”
He turned to me, narrowed his eyes, and said, “Keeps the grease from popping me.” Then he laughed so hard it nearly shook the house.
Turns out, whistling didn’t keep the grease away—it just made the task more enjoyable. But there’s a larger lesson here: that simple question unlocked a floodgate. Granddad went on to tell me stories about working on oyster boats, Gullah superstitions, and the rhythms of cooking in our culture. Not only did I ace that essay, but I also learned to stop treating curiosity like an imposition and start treating it like a superpower.
Curious Questions Create Curious Connections
Fast forward to adulthood, where curiosity can transform even the most mundane moments into magic—or, at the very least, a good conversation starter. Have you ever asked someone the story behind their favorite tattoo? Or why pineapple belongs (or doesn’t belong) on pizza? I once witnessed someone open their heart about childhood memories because of a question about cereal mascots. Turns out, Toucan Sam was a fatherly figure in their house. Who knew?
When I moved to New York for grad school, I found myself surrounded by people with such different life stories—stories that were just waiting to be unlocked. During one particularly awkward gala for writers (imagine a room full of introverts who’ve all Googled “how to small talk” beforehand), I took a deep breath and asked the person next to me, “If you could live in any era, which one would it be?”
He chose “1920s Harlem,” and for the next hour, we lost ourselves talking about jazz, poetry, and wild speakeasy parties we’d never attend. That moment reminded me that curiosity isn’t just about asking questions—it’s about genuinely listening to the answer. And in relationships, asking the right question and truly hearing someone’s response can be as powerful as saying “I love you” at the right moment.
The Joy of Discovering Someone All Over Again
Curiosity isn't just for first dates. It’s equally, if not more, important in established relationships. After all, nobody wants to feel like a coffee table book—pretty to have around but never opened after the honeymoon phase. When my now ex-boyfriend and I hit a lull, I decided to be a little more playful. Instead of complaining about our rut, I pulled up an online list of icebreaker questions and asked him, "What food would you eat every day for the rest of your life?" His face lit up, and he said, “Shrimp and grits—only if you cook it.”
I found myself blushing, surprised that he even noticed my kitchen skills (or that they mattered to him). That one playful question sparked a whole night of rediscovery: favorite childhood movies, wildest dreams, and even his pet peeve about how I stack the dishwasher. (Side note: the man felt very strongly about his dishwasher Tetris.)
Curiosity isn’t about grand gestures. Sometimes, it’s about re-learning what makes your partner tick. It’s about those little moments when you wonder—as Maya Angelou might put it—how much joy you can carry into being with someone.
Actionable Tips for Inviting Curiosity Into Your Relationships
Ready to stir some curiosity into your love life? Here’s how to start:
- Ask Unpredictable Questions
Skip “How was your day?” and try something with personality, like: - “What’s the weirdest thing you believed as a kid?”
- “If aliens invaded Earth, whose house would you hide in?”
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“What’s one piece of advice your younger self would never take?”
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Try the “Reverse in Time” Game
Take a walk down memory lane with your partner or love interest. Ask about their first job, their most embarrassing hairstyle, or their go-to high school snack. (Hot Cheetos for me, by the way. A love stronger than my first crush.) -
Curiosity Beyond Words
Sometimes, curiosity means doing something new together. Take a salsa class on a whim or swap favorite books. Create space for adventure without expectation. The shared journey will tell you more about each other than any Q&A ever could. -
Embrace the Organic Detours
Stay open when curiosity takes you somewhere unexpected. Sometimes the best conversations happen when people go off on tangents, like their secret goal of becoming a beekeeper or their refusal to buy a unified sock organizer. Those quirks are usually where the magic hides.
The Power of Not Knowing
People often fear being curious in relationships because it means admitting they don’t hold all the answers. But here’s the truth: not knowing is where the fun begins. It leaves room for surprise, laughter, and discovery. My grandma used to tell me, “Ebony, life is sweeter when you don’t skip straight to the ending. Take your time turning the pages.”
Everyone wants to be known and appreciated for who they really are. Curiosity is the tool that lets you crack someone’s code—not to “figure them out,” but to see them more fully. Whether it’s mastering the art of seasoning fried fish or learning your best friend swears by peanut butter on burgers, curiosity connects us. It bridges gaps of misunderstanding and deepens bonds.
So the next time you’re tempted to hit autopilot or assume you already know all there is about the person sitting across from you, stop and ask them something wild, weird, or downright wonderful. Who knows? The answer might just surprise you—and remind you why questioning is as essential as loving.
