Sometimes, the smallest things hold the biggest weight in our lives. They’re not just “things,” really—they’re symbols, comforts, and sometimes even life rafts in the wild, choppy seas of dating, relationships, and everything in between. As someone who has loved, lost, and flirted my way through many iterations of self-discovery and connection, I’m here to let you peek into my essentials list. These are the objects, rituals, and moments that remind me who I am and ground me while navigating the joys and complexities of relationships.

I promise, this isn’t just a roundup of stylish tote bags or artisanal candles (though, spoiler alert, one of those makes the cut). This is about the why behind the what—the stories stitched into each item. So, grab your favorite drink and settle in. Let’s vibe.

1. My Grandma’s Gold Ring

Tarnished in places and snug on days when I’ve had one too many slices of cornbread, this ring isn’t just a piece of jewelry—it’s a love letter to the women who came before me. My grandma wore it when she was courted by my grandpa, a love story so sweet it could make even the most commitment-phobic swoon.

Every time I put it on, I’m reminded of her advice: "Ebony, love isn’t just a feeling—it’s an action." She said this, half-laughing, half-serious, while stirring okra soup on her cast iron stove. This ring taught me to appreciate meaningful, consistent action—whether that means intentional words or showing up for someone even when the novelty of a relationship fades.

And if the person I date doesn’t notice such a killer family heirloom? Well, there’s a bigger problem to deal with.

2. A Journal (Preferably Leather-bound)

Let me tell you something straight: writing things down is a therapy session you don’t need to bill insurance for. Breakups, first dates, or nights when you’re wondering if you’re crazy for feeling how you feel—a good journal never judges and always listens.

When I was on my third first date post-graduation (yes, we were still saying “Netflix and chill” unironically back then), I realized how much clarity journaling could give me. Bad date? Write it out. Magical, butterflies-in-your-soul date? Write that out, too.

Plus, flipping back through old entries reminds me of how far I’ve come—not just in relationships but in becoming someone I genuinely like. That’s worth its weight in gold-plated fountain pens.

3. My Cast Iron Skillet

Yes. I said “skillet.” The thing is, in Charleston—a city where tastes are built as much on family recipes as they are on tradition—a cast iron skillet is practically part of your DNA. Mine’s a hand-me-down from my mom, seasoned over decades of fried chicken, peach cobblers, and shrimp-and-grits Sundays.

Cooking for someone? That’s an intimacy all its own. When I cook for someone I care about for the first time, I don't just whip up food—I’m sharing history, flavor, soul. A late-night skillet dinner has both charmed and deterred potential partners (which is its own kind of litmus test, frankly).

Pro tip: If you’re dating someone who offers to “help clean up” but tries scrubbing your cast iron with dish soap … reevaluate.

4. A Killer Playlist

We’re talking Say Yes by Floetry, a classic Beyonce ballad, some funky Anderson .Paak, and a sprinkle of Solange just to make my inner creative weep in the best way. Music, to me, is the quickest way to set a mood or shake one off.

When I was 23 and heartbroken, a good playlist saved me from crying in public on the 1 Train in Manhattan (we’ve all been there, right?). And years later, when I got up the nerve to dance barefoot in my kitchen with someone I loved, it was Nina Simone's "I Want a Little Sugar in My Bowl" on repeat.

Even now, whether it’s a first-date vibe check or solo “I love myself” moments, music carries me. So yes, a killer playlist is something I refuse to live without.

5. A Worn Copy of Zora Neale Hurston’s Their Eyes Were Watching God

I’ll be honest—this book has seen better days. Its spine is barely attached, and the lemony coffee stain on page 128 is all too familiar. But listen … Janie’s journey, her resilience, her refusal to settle for anything less than a love that feels like freedom? Life goals.

I revisit this book whenever I feel stuck—whether in a relationship, my art, or my sense of self. And as I’ve reread it over the years, the lessons keep evolving. In my 20s, I saw it as a story of dreaming beyond your circumstances. Now, I see it as a reminder that it’s okay to leave something behind if it no longer fills your spirit.

6. A Bright Red Lipstick

No one warned me, but relationships can sometimes feel like a battle between your boldest self and the urge to people-please for the sake of peace. Honey, when I reach for my favorite ruby-red lipstick (it’s MAC’s Ruby Woo, in case you’re curious), I’m reminding myself to be seen—not just as someone’s partner but as myself, in all my bold and too-much-for-some glory.

The first time I rocked red lipstick was on a solo date. Just me, my reflection, and a five-dollar glass of merlot at some downtown Charleston café. The confidence boost was electric—half Beyonce, half my grandma whispering, “Go on, girl.”

These days, you better believe I wear it to job interviews, special nights out, or just when I’m craving a little extra fire. Messy, imperfect relationships don’t scare me much as long as I’m rocking Ruby Woo.

7. Hugs … and More Hugs

Okay, I know this isn’t something you grab off a shelf, but let me explain. I didn’t fully understand how healing physical touch could be until I felt one of those tight, two-armed hugs that says “you’ve got someone who has your back.”

Growing up in a family where every meal ended in laughter and goodnight hugs, touch has always been love’s native language for me. Now, whether it’s cuddling up with my partner or squeezing my bestie after a hard day, touch feels like the unsung hero of connection. Seriously, even research agrees—hugs lower stress!

So if your love life is feeling off, try this experiment: give more hugs. It’ll change everything (especially date night energy).

Conclusion: The Little Things Are the Big Things

When it comes down to it, relationships aren’t defined by big grand gestures (though I wouldn’t mind someone recreating Love Jones for me, FYI). They’re crafted in the small, deeply personal moments—like the smell of whatever’s sizzling in a skillet, the right song at the right time, or the sight of you loving yourself in your favorite lipstick.

Take the time to figure out your own essentials—the objects, rituals, and habits that make up the mosaic of who you are. Because when we know what makes us feel alive, connected, and rooted, relationships stop feeling like puzzles to solve and start feeling like the dance they’re meant to be.

When it’s all said and done, my essentials remind me that whether it’s a great date, a rough patch, or just me vibing on my own—I’ll always be enough. And friend, so are you.