Curiosity killed the cat, or so the saying goes. But what the saying doesn’t mention is that curiosity, when applied to relationships, might actually save your love life, keep you feeling alive, and make dinner conversations far more interesting than discussing your coworker’s War and Peace–level email signature. Whether you're flirting with someone new or finding fresh layers in a partner you've been with for years, curiosity is the underdog superpower we don't celebrate enough.

Let’s dig into how cultivating a little wide-eyed wonder can take your connections to unexpected and thrilling places.

The Domino Effect of Asking Why (and Actually Meaning It)

When’s the last time you truly asked someone a question beyond “What do you do?” or “How was your weekend?” Don’t get me wrong, these questions have their place—usually in line behind me at Trader Joe’s when I’ve scoped out someone cute buying lavender-scented dish soap.

But real curiosity goes deeper. It’s vulnerable. It says, “I’m genuinely interested in what makes you tick, not just what’s on your surface.”

I once met someone at—wait for it—a neighborhood beach cleanup. (Yes, I’m that guy.) What started as a throwaway question on my part—“Why’d you decide to spend your Saturday picking up plastic straws?”—turned into an unforgettable conversation about her childhood obsession with marine biology and her dream of swimming with whale sharks. Did I immediately Google “cheapest flights to Cancún”? You bet I did. That one question unraveled a part of her story I never would’ve uncovered otherwise, and it made her unforgettable.

Curiosity reminds us: There’s always more below the surface. Sometimes, that “more” is quirky interests; other times, it’s shared values, or even something that challenges us to see the world differently. Ask “Why?” not once, but several times. You might just find yourself booking tickets to Cancún—or at least learning a lot about the migratory patterns of whale sharks.

Curiosity in Action: Field Notes from First Dates

First dates are the ultimate litmus test for curiosity. They’re basically a two-hour scavenger hunt to find common ground—or at least survive the meal without checking your phone. But being curious doesn’t mean interrogating your date like they’re applying to be the next Supreme Court Justice.

Here’s the cheat code: Ask questions that go beyond the obvious. Instead of “What do you do for work?” how about:

  • “What’s something about your job that makes no sense to outsiders?”
  • “If you weren’t doing what you’re doing now, what career would you love?”
  • “What’s the most random thing you know a ridiculous amount about?”

These offbeat questions invite storytelling, vulnerability, and even a laugh or two. One of the best first dates I’ve ever had happened entirely because I asked, “What’s a talent or skill you have that no one would guess just by meeting you?” Turns out, she could juggle flaming torches. She didn’t show me (sadly), but the way her whole face lit up talking about it made her unforgettable.

First dates don’t have to feel like the seventh circle of small-talk hell. They’re an opportunity to let curiosity steer the conversation. When you approach the moment with a sense of playfulness and genuine interest, even the dullest date locations—shoutout to generic chain restaurants—can feel alive with possibility.

Rediscovering the Known: How to Stay Curious in Long-Term Relationships

So you’ve been together a while. You know exactly how they take their coffee, what YouTube rabbit holes they fall into when they procrastinate, and which of your family members they secretly endure with gritted teeth. Familiarity can be beautiful—but it can also lead to autopilot. The antidote? Staying curious.

Curiosity isn’t just for those getting-to-know-you phases. In long-term relationships, it’s vital if you want to avoid the dreaded roommate dynamic. Here’s how to freshen your curiosity:

  1. Ask Unexpected Questions: Long-term relationships often fall into predictable conversational patterns. Shake it up by asking new, thought-provoking questions. For example:
  2. “What’s a dream of yours you’ve never shared with me?”
  3. “What’s something about you that’s changed in the last year?”

  4. “If we could drop everything and move anywhere in the world, where would it be?”

  5. Learn Something New Together: From taking surfing lessons to trying an oyster-shucking class, shared curiosity is one of the fastest ways to reignite your spark. (Pro tip: Avoid tango classes unless your relationship can survive stepping on each other’s toes repeatedly.)

  6. Look for Their Small Changes: Recognizing your partner’s growth nurtures connection. Did they suddenly start adding paprika to everything? Are they diving into a new hobby? Be the person who notices. It shows that you’re not just seeing your partner as a fixed entity but as the evolving, complex human they are.

A couple I know has one rule they swear by: Every month, they go on “a date to learn one thing about each other they didn’t know before.” It could be silly—like who can do more push-ups—or deeply personal. Either way, it’s a perfect reminder that no matter how long you’ve been together, there’s always more to discover.

Curiosity Gone Wild: When Being Too Interested Backfires

Let’s be real: I’d be doing you a disservice if I didn’t admit that curiosity, when wielded improperly, can sometimes cause awkward moments. A personal case study: On a second date over ramen in Koreatown, I got a little too enthusiastic asking someone about their love of ceramics. Did you know there’s a Japanese pottery technique called kintsugi, where broken pieces are repaired with gold lacquer? Neither did my date, but the more I rambled about it, the more I realized she was staring at me like I’d just told her I write fan fiction about teacups.

Lesson learned: Curiosity isn’t about showing off how much you know; it’s about creating space for someone else to share. Ask a question, then zip it. Let them color in the silence without you turning into a one-person encyclopedia.

The Ripple Effect of Being Curious about Yourself

Here’s the plot twist: Staying curious about others often starts with staying curious about yourself. When you explore what lights you up, challenges you, or pushes you outside of your comfort zone, you bring fresh energy into every interaction. That same sense of wonder you use to ask someone about their favorite book? Use it to ask yourself what’s something you’ve always wanted to try or learn.

Curiosity is a muscle. And the more you flex it in your own life—journaling about your wildest dreams, trying out new hobbies, or befriending that barista who always remembers your oat milk order—the better you’ll be at turning it outward in a way that draws others in.

For me, curiosity has looked like everything from trying paddleboarding in the Channel Islands (spoiler: I fell off) to reading obscure poetry collections I’d normally roll my eyes at. Every time I’ve leaned into that “What if?” energy, it’s not only brought me closer to myself—it’s made me better at building connections with others.

Closing Thoughts: Embrace the Adventure

At its heart, curiosity is an adventure waiting to unfold. It reminds us that people—ourselves included—are never static. There’s always a new layer, a hidden passion, or a surprising answer waiting to be uncovered. And when you lean into that spirit of discovery, your relationships (and life) grow richer, more vibrant, and infinitely more interesting.

So go ahead: Ask the weird questions. Take the road less traveled. Wonder why someone loves lavender-scented dish soap. The joy isn’t just in the answers—it’s in the asking.