Have you ever caught yourself spiraling down a rabbit hole of curiosity? Like the time I wondered if freshly made tortillas from scratch were objectively better than the kind you buy at the grocery store (spoiler: they are), or when I found myself Googling why my abuela insists on rubbing a raw egg over me when I have a headache. These little moments of curiosity—the ones we sit with and tug at like loose threads—can lead us to insights we weren’t even looking for.

But how often are we curious about people? Sure, it’s easy to be curious about trending TikTok dance moves or what Beyoncé had for breakfast. Yet, we rarely stop to wonder about the guy who always orders the same latte at the café or the friend who seems to light up only when talking about crime documentaries. What drives them? Why do they gravitate to those things? Sometimes, the joy of curiosity is less about the answers we gather and more about the paths it leads us down.

Curiosity, my friend, is one of the most underrated forces in relationships—and in life. Here’s what I’ve learned about leaning in, asking questions, and letting curiosity guide the way.

What Flan and First Dates Have in Common

Growing up in my big Cuban-Mexican family, I learned early on that every story starts with a question. My tíos were masters of storytelling, but they rarely jumped into tales unprompted. “Dime algo,” my mom would say at dinner: Tell me something. That “something” could veer anywhere, from what a neighbor said at the grocery store to some old family gossip you’d only hear if you asked at just the right moment. I realized curiosity was like a key—it opened doors to long conversations and connections you didn’t even know existed.

Speaking of doors, let’s talk about dating. Remember your awkward first date with someone who stared at you blankly every time you asked them a question? Like when you’d ask, “What’s a food you could eat every day?” and they’d answer, “Pizza,” full stop. Where’s the curiosity? The follow-up? (Come on, the right answer to that question is “flan” or, at least, “flan if my abuelita makes it.”)

Curiosity makes those early steps far less painful—or dull. Instead of trying to impress someone, all you have to do is get genuinely curious. What fuels their passions? What’s the last thing that made them cry-laugh? When they talk about their favorite childhood memory, do their eyes light up in a different way? Being curious takes the pressure off you to perform because you’re putting the focus on them. It’s less “look at me!” and more “tell me more about you.”

The Side Effect of Asking “Why?"

Let me tell you a quick story to make this point clear. A few years ago, I went on a date with this guy named Marco. Marco was… fine. Nice smile, decent job, really into EDM (a choice, but I digress). During the date, I found myself mentally putting him into the “meh” category, suspecting we just didn’t vibe.

But then I asked him about his Spotify playlists—because yes, apparently all he listened to was techno. Instead of giving a shrugged response, Marco launched into a full-blown monologue about how EDM helped him stay focused during chaotic times in his life, grounding him through the highs and lows of adulthood. He shared that after his parents’ divorce, his first dose of peace came from zoning out at a music festival. Suddenly, Marco wasn’t just a guy whose favorite DJ’s name sounded like a brand of IKEA furniture. He was human, vulnerable, a little poetic even.

Curiosity had flipped my perception. Sure, Marco and I didn’t work out—but boy, did I learn something about the ways music soothes people, even in their messiest moments.

Curiosity doesn’t just help you connect with others—it changes you. When you start asking “Why?” enough, you’re naturally shifting your perspective on people, becoming more empathetic. And that, my friends, is how curiosity quietly upgrades your personality.

Three Tricks to Get Curious (And Actually Enjoy It)

Not everyone is naturally inquisitive, especially when it comes to relationships. Some people are comfortable skimming the surface rather than diving deep. But curiosity, like salsa dancing or making really good mole, can be practiced. Here are three simple ways to make curiosity work for you:

  1. Ditch the Default Questions
    If you want to connect on a deeper level, skip the overused stuff like “What do you do for a living?” Instead, ask about the emotion behind the action. For example, instead of “What do you do?” try “What’s one part of your day you look forward to the most?” It flips the script and encourages someone to open up in unexpected ways.

  2. Follow the Rabbit Holes
    Treat conversations like quests. If your friend mentions she used to do pottery in college, don’t just “oh, cool” it and move on. Ask: “Wait, how did you get into clay spinning? Were you good at it?” Nine out of ten times, what might seem uninteresting is a doorway to a surprising story.

  3. Be Willing To Be Surprised
    One of the joys of curiosity is getting delightfully caught off guard. The most extraordinary things often come from the most ordinary people. The barista you see every morning? He moonlights as an opera singer. The gym buddy who jokes about their bad knees? She runs marathons on weekends. Being curious means staying open to being wrong about people (and loving it).

Curiosity in the Long Run

I used to think being curious was only important early on in relationships. Like, once you’ve been with someone for years, you already know all their quirks, right? Wrong. After 20 years of marriage, my parents still surprise each other. My dad randomly took up gardening last year, prompting my mom to ask, “Since when do you even like dirt?” That one question turned into stories about his childhood in Monterrey, growing up next to fields of papayas and mangos. A story I—his own daughter—had never even heard.

Curiosity isn’t a flirtation technique or a first-date hack. It’s a long-game skill. Whether you’re just meeting someone or you’ve been watching Netflix together for a decade, curiosity ensures things stay fresh and layered.

The Joy of Diving In (Without a Scuba Suit)

So, here’s my challenge to you: the next time you sit across from someone—whether it’s at dinner, over coffee, or in the middle of a slow day at work—let your inner detective out. Ask a question (or two), let them talk, and really listen. Pretend you’re about to learn something that could change the way you see them. Nine times out of ten, it will.

We’re often taught to pursue certainty in life—answers, labels, decisions we can stick to like gum on a hot sidewalk. But curiosity doesn’t chase certainty. It runs toward wonder, soaking in all the shades of gray. And isn’t that what makes people worth knowing in the first place?

Curiosity doesn’t just connect us—it transforms us. So next time you’re tempted to scroll past life’s little questions or glance at someone without really seeing them, pause. You never know which loose thread will unravel your next great story.