From Overthinking to Owning It: My Journey from Impostor to Expert

We’re all familiar with that annoying little voice inside our heads—the one that whispers, or sometimes shouts, “You have no idea what you’re doing.” Impostor syndrome, they call it. Whether you’re stepping into a new relationship, being promoted at work, or attempting to assemble IKEA furniture without breaking the manuals into tears, this feeling of being an absolute fraud can creep in when you least expect it.

I should know. For years, I felt like I was just pretending to be an expert in my own life. It didn’t matter how well-dressed my resume was or how many people reassured me otherwise—I always worried that eventually, someone would point at me like in one of those anxiety-inducing dreams and yell, “YOU DON’T BELONG HERE!”

But here’s the thing: I do belong. And so do you. Let me break down how I traded self-doubt for self-assurance—whether it was at the desk of my first real “adult job,” stumbling through the beginning stages of relationships, or even growing into the version of myself I actually wanted to see in the mirror.

Impostor Syndrome: A Universal Party Crasher

Let me set the scene: I had just landed a highly-coveted research position at a maritime museum in Boston. On the outside, I looked pretty competent. I wore nice shoes, could confidently reference Melville without sounding too pretentious, and didn’t accidentally reply all to any emails (a feat in itself). But inside? I felt like that scene from The Wizard of Oz where Toto reveals that the great and powerful Oz is just some guy behind a curtain. Except I wasn’t even behind a curtain—I was just sitting at an old desk with too much coffee and the realization that someone thought I was qualified to be here.

Dating felt the same. There’s nothing like the early stages of a relationship to make you feel completely exposed. It’s like you’re walking around with a giant sign on your shirt that says, “I AM TRYING VERY HARD TO MAKE YOU LIKE ME, PLEASE DON’T NOTICE HOW AWKWARD I AM.”

But somewhere along the line, I discovered something: nearly everyone feels this way. Even the most “put-together” people struggle with impostor syndrome. Knowing that made it easier to face those self-doubting moments—because if that cute stranger at the cocktail party is brimming with confidence, there’s a good chance they’re just as worried about saying the wrong thing as you are.

Stepping into Expertise: Real Growth is Messy

Self-acceptance isn’t something you wake up one day and just “achieve.” In my experience, it happens in slow, deliberate steps that often look like mistakes at first. I’ll let you in on a little secret about writing historical fiction: the first draft is always garbage. Total, flaming garbage. Martha’s Vineyard bonfire-level bad. But you have to write the bad sentences before you get to the good ones. And you have to live through awkward, self-conscious moments in order to get to the confident ones.

The same philosophy translates beautifully to relationships. No one enters their first major relationship as an expert in love and communication. Learning how to navigate disagreements, balance emotional intimacy, and show up as your authentic self takes time—not to mention an embarrassing amount of trial and error. Trust me, I’ve been there. Once, in college, I thought impressing someone meant spending an entire week researching Scottish folk songs because they mentioned liking bagpipes once.

Cringe-worthy? Absolutely. But I wouldn’t trade those experiences for anything, because they taught me the limits of trying too hard and the value of just... being a human being.

Practical Tips for Growing into Your Role (Without Losing Your Mind)

The journey from impostor to expert has been messy, humbling, and sometimes downright hilarious. But I’ve collected a few practical lessons along the way:

  1. Stop Comparing Your Beginning to Someone Else’s Middle.
    It’s easy to look around and feel like everyone else is running their life like the Swiss train system—effortlessly on time, coordinated, and efficient. The truth? You’re only seeing the highlight reel. Success—whether personal or professional—comes in stages, so don’t beat yourself up because you’re still figuring things out.

  2. Fake It Like a Nantucket Whaler.
    Back in the day, sailors signed up for dangerous, years-long whaling voyages without any experience. They learned by watching, failing, and, well, probably getting yelled at by a harpooner or two. Confidence often follows action. Even if you don’t entirely believe in yourself yet, move forward anyway—you’ll figure it out at sea.

  3. Own Your Awkward.
    Honestly, your quirks are your best features. That thing you’re worried will expose you as a fraud—the way you laugh a little too loudly or the fact that you still Google “what to say on a first date”? Lean into it! Authenticity is what draws people in, not perfection.

  4. Ask Questions Without Fear.
    For a long time, I thought asking questions would make people realize how little I knew. Turns out, the opposite is true. Curious people tend to be perceived as more thoughtful and engaged—both in professional settings and personal relationships. So ask away!

  5. Keep a Record of “Wins.”
    This one works wonders when that self-doubt creeps in. Start jotting down moments you’re proud of—big or small. Got through a nerve-wracking presentation? Wrote a story you didn’t hate? Navigated an honest conversation with someone you care about? Write it down. Eventually, that list will prove to you what your inner impostor can’t deny: You’ve done this before, and you’ll do it again.

The Big Takeaway: You’re Already More Than Enough

What I’ve learned from my experiences—whether it’s writing novels steeped in Nantucket’s salty air or daring to put my true self out there in relationships—is that being an “expert” isn’t about having all the answers from Day 1. It’s about showing up, taking risks, and growing through every adventure life throws at you.

That nagging voice of doubt? It’s always going to exist in some capacity—it’s part of being human. But it doesn’t have to own you. The next time you feel like an impostor in your own life, I want you to ask yourself this: Would someone who doesn’t belong even care this much? Would they show up every day, despite the fear, and try again? No, they wouldn’t. But you do. And that means you're exactly where you're meant to be.

Take it from me: confidence isn’t about never doubting yourself. It’s about learning to step into the doubt—and realizing the only person who needs to believe in you is you.