I once read that a butterfly begins its life as a caterpillar, a creature so ordinary it could disappear against the bark of a tree. It munches quietly on leaves, blissfully unaware of its potential—until one day, it becomes something extraordinary. Romantic? Sure. But I promise I’m not here to recite inspirational desk calendar quotes at you. Instead, we’re diving into a different kind of transformation: that of human connection. Let’s talk about moving your relationships—from humble beginnings to something, well, extraordinary.

Why does this matter? Because we’re often told love needs to drop into our lives like Beyoncé at the Super Bowl halftime show—fanfare, fireworks, and total perfection. But most great connections don’t start this way. They begin in small, unremarkable moments: a shared smile, an unplanned question, an unexpectedly vulnerable conversation. The magic comes later, when you build it.

But how do you elevate the ordinary into extraordinary? This isn’t about throwing a parade or reciting poetry at sunrise (unless that’s your thing, in which case, carry on). It’s about mindset, small choices, and finding beauty in the process. And lucky for you, I’ve lived in the messy, in-between spaces of love and can guide you through it.

1. Ordinary Doesn’t Mean Boring

Growing up in Beijing, I was surrounded by traditions rooted in layers of history. I remember my dad once explaining how even the simplest customs—a cup of tea poured during an apology, a single flower left as a gesture—were infused with meaning. In the fast-paced modern dating culture, we’ve been conditioned to expect grand gestures, forgetting that the smaller, subtler ones are the foundation of great relationships.

Take this as your permission slip to slow down and appreciate the elegantly “boring” stuff. A walk through a grocery store together can be hilariously insightful (let’s not pretend we haven’t judged someone based solely on their cereal choices). Conversations about your childhood dreams or favorite dumpling fillings reveal more about a person than debating their favorite action hero ever will (though side note: if they don’t include Jackie Chan in their top three, walk away).

Actionable Tip: The next time you’re on a date, focus on something deceptively mundane. Ask about their "ordinary" routines—a weekend habit, how they drink their coffee, or even the story behind their weirdest impulse purchase. These are the breadcrumbs of connection.

2. Add a Pinch of Playfulness to the Recipe

Imagine this: you’re at dinner, and they ask the standard “What do you do for work?” You could respond with a dry job title, OR you could turn it into a mini game: “I have the most thrilling job in the world—probably more dangerous than a secret agent. Guess.” (Even if you work in accounting, I promise this works. Who doesn’t want to guess “shark tamer”?)

Playfulness is underrated but transformative. It’s like MSG for relationships—instantly enhancing the flavor. When I lived in New York, my Western friends found it hilarious that one of the most “romantic” poems in Chinese history by Li Bai compares a lady’s height to a tall plant called a willow. In retrospect, it is funny. And yet, that sprinkle of humor doesn’t take away from its sentiment. If anything, it makes the imagery stick.

Actionable Tip: Surprise your partner or date with lighthearted challenges. Shop at a thrift store and pick out outfits for each other ("Who looks most like a Disney villain?"). Or turn a date into an absurd mission, like finding the most ridiculous menu item wherever you eat. Connection blossoms in moments of shared laughter.

3. Elevate the Mundane Through Curiosity

When I was 22, I had dinner with someone who asked me the strangest question: “If you could carry one smell with you every day, what would it be?” I laughed at the absurdity, but before long, we’d spiraled into a deep conversation about homesickness and how the smell of rain reminded both of us of childhood. Decades later, I can’t remember his face clearly, but I remember that question.

Curiosity is your secret weapon. Too often, we burrow into autopilot: “What’s your favorite band?” “Where are you from?” These queries are fine, but the answers rarely reach past the surface. If you crave an extraordinary connection, dare to ask the unexpected. It doesn’t have to be poetic or profound—as someone who once asked a boyfriend whether a hot dog counts as a sandwich, I can confirm those debates leave lasting impressions.

Actionable Tip: Have three “quirk” questions prepared for every date. Need inspo? Try these: “Which movie villain is secretly misunderstood?” “What’s the best lie you’ve ever told?” or “What’s one skill you’ve always wanted to learn but never admit out loud?” Watch the sparks fly.

4. Tradition Has Its Place—Even in Modern Love

As someone who spent her teenage years toggling between reciting Tang Dynasty poetry and singing Jay Chou ballads under my breath, I’ve learned love dances between tradition and reinvention. We prize originality in modern relationships ("Be unique! Stand out!"), but let’s not dismiss age-old practices.

One of the most romantic traditions I’ve encountered is intentionally making time to connect—however small the gesture. When my parents had particularly hectic weeks as professors, my dad would make my mother her favorite noodles, every Friday without fail. It wasn’t flashy. But it was deliberate. That consistency became the soil their entire marriage grew from.

Actionable Tip: Weave your own rituals into your connections, whether it’s a weekly meet-up at your favorite dumpling spot or dedicating ten minutes at the end of the day to share your “rose and thorn” (best and worst moments). Rituals anchor us.

5. Don’t Overlook Vulnerability’s Glow-Up Potential

If you’ve watched any rom-com, you might think the key to romance is a pump-up soundtrack and an epic grand gesture. But the most cinematic moments of real connection happen when we dare to flinch, to fumble, to let someone past our polished surface. Vulnerability is where the magic hides.

Case in point: During that exchange program in New York, I once went on a spontaneous road trip with someone I’d just met. Halfway through the trip, a tire burst. As we sat awkwardly by the roadside, waiting for help, we started talking about our fears—his was public speaking; mine was writing something deeply personal and watching people shrug at it. That moment—sweaty, stranded, and wildly unromantic on paper—cemented a bond I’ll never forget. Why? Because we were so gloriously ourselves.

Actionable Tip: Test the waters of vulnerability without over-diving. You don’t need to sob into your soup on the second date, but don’t shy away from revealing mini truths, fears, and ambitions. For example: “Sometimes I think about quitting my job to become a travel guide. Crazy thought, but hey, it’s there.” You’ll discover who’s willing to share their dreams too.

Don’t Rush the Butterfly

Here’s the trick to building extraordinary connections: every part of the process counts. Don’t shortchange the caterpillar stage of flirting and getting to know each other. Don’t rush the cocoon phase where things feel slow and clumsy. And when something extraordinary starts to emerge, don’t focus so much on capturing it that you forget to live it.

You’re not aiming for perfection; you’re aiming for authenticity. Because at the end of the day, extraordinary relationships aren’t waiting for you in the glow of a perfect first date or a grand proposal. They’re stitched together in a thousand small moments: shared smiles, ridiculous hypotheticals, and quiet commitment.

So go forth, curious, playful, and a little vulnerable. Who knew the extraordinary could be so… simple?