We’ve all been there. You’re sitting on the outskirts of a social gathering, clutching a lukewarm Solo cup, wondering if the sheer act of attempting small talk burns more calories than it’s worth. Or maybe you’ve found yourself scrolling Instagram late at night, double-tapping pictures of someone else’s #squad while asking yourself, “Where are my people? Do I even have people?”
Spoiler: You do. And finding them—your tribe, your ride-or-dies, your ultimate vibe-matching crew—might feel like solving a combination lock in the dark. But I promise, once you crack it, you’ll wonder how you ever got through life without them.
Let me break it down for you.
The Wilderness Years (AKA My “Friendship-Quest” Origin Story)
Growing up in Coeur d’Alene, I had a built-in community: vacationing families who cycled through my parents’ lakeside resort. These folks were as temporary as the foam on the lake’s surface, but they gave me an early understanding of how incredible forming connections can feel. I was the curious kid eavesdropping on honeymooners, asking fishermen about their best catches, and helping road-tripping Californians find the best rocky trails.
But while I loved that revolving door of human stories, I didn’t exactly nail the art of finding a personal, lasting tribe during my childhood. I was a nature girl in a school where indoor volleyball reigned supreme, a listener among chatterboxes. I wasn’t lonely per se—just adrift, like the kayaks that occasionally broke free of our docks.
And then came adulthood, where “making friends” becomes less about sharing a swing set and more about figuring out how to ask a coworker to brunch without sounding like you’re scheduling a highly suspect LinkedIn meeting.
Lesson One: Know Thyself First
Finding your people starts, cliché or not, with finding yourself. When I moved to Missoula for college, I played the social chameleon game hard. I joined campus clubs that sounded fun but didn’t resonate (RIP to my brief flirtation with Ultimate Frisbee) and tagged along to events where I felt as out of place as someone trying to incorporate the word "yeehaw" into casual conversation.
And while I picked up some surface friendships, I realized I was trying too hard to become someone I wasn’t, rather than letting people meet me where I was.
If you’re trying to find your people, take a beat to reflect. What makes you feel alive? What spaces—or activities—feel like home? For me, it turned out to be the quiet hum of bookstores, group hikes with no cell service, or late-night songwriting sessions with amateur guitar players. My tribe wasn’t elusive; I just wasn’t looking in the right places.
Lesson Two: Don’t Discount the Non-Obvious “Auditions”
Picture this: You’re at a board game night and draw the dreaded Pictionary card that reads “Helicopter.” Your teammate—a stranger mere minutes ago—nods like they’ve been prepping their whole life for this moment. Two seconds in, they guess “anxiety,” followed immediately by “actual helicopter!”
Boom. Connection made.
Some of the best people I’ve met didn’t come through epic meet-cutes or grand gestures. They were the ones I crossed paths with simply because I stayed open. Maybe they were the chatty ones in line at the farmer’s market, book club regulars dissecting character arcs, or equally sweaty comrades at spin class.
My advice? Say yes to the non-obvious activities. Join the pottery night where you’ll undoubtedly walk away with a misshapen mug—or the improv show that scares the pants off you. You don’t need to be a pottery expert or a budding comedian; you just need to show up and let people surprise you.
Lesson Three: Quality Beats Quantity Every Time
Let’s squash the idea that a rich social life equals a giant entourage. You don’t need to build an entire cast for your own personal sitcom. A tight-knit circle of a few solid people can do wonders.
I remember back in grad school, during a particularly dreary February in Oregon, a friend who shared my love for indie folk invited me to a small house concert. This wasn’t just passive listening—it was sitting on someone’s carpeted floor, sharing takeout egg rolls, and passing around handwritten song lyrics.
That night, I solidified friendships that remain among the most meaningful in my life. Why? Because we dug into the deep stuff rather than staying in small-talk territory. And I’ve learned that when you put yourself out there authentically—whether it’s geeking out over your favorite band or admitting you binge-romcom marathons when stressed—the right people will get it.
Practical Moves for Finding Your Modern-Day Tribe
I know what you’re probably thinking: “Great story, Avery, but how do I start?” So here’s a quick reality check and roadmap to kickstart your journey:
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Start With An Old Flame (But Not That Kind of Flame)
Think back to someone you clicked with but lost touch with because life got, well, lifey. Shoot them a quick text or DM. Something non-weird like, "Hey, saw [insert a thing you know they like] and thought of you. How’ve you been?" You might revive something great. -
Choose “An Adventure Buddy” Settings
Look for group activities that already revolve around shared goals: running clubs, yoga classes, or even gardening meetups. These spaces make organic connections easier because you’ll bond over the shared experience of, say, fumbling with succulents. -
Be Brave, Share Stuff First
Vulnerability tends to open doors faster than you’d think. That doesn’t mean you have to reveal your deepest insecurities right away, but shared laughter over a ridiculous story (“I once fed a raccoon thinking it was my cat—don’t recommend”) is an underrated icebreaker. -
Realize Rejection Isn't Personal
Not everyone you click with initially will become a lifelong friend. Some relationships fizzle, and that’s okay. The wrong people falling away is as important as finding the right ones sticking around.
Lesson Four: Patience is a Virtue (Sort Of)
Real talk: My tribe didn’t come together at once. Instead, it’s been a slow burn of individual friendships discovered over years. From my closest hiking buddy who gets my obsession with trail anecdotes to the foodie friend who roasts me (endearingly) for still putting pineapple on pizza—it’s the collection of these bonds that form the whole.
What I’ve realized is this: there’s no cheat code to finding your people. Just show up to the spaces that call to you, keep your heart open, and embrace the awkward moments. After all, the best friendships are built not on perfection but shared human messiness.
Conclusion: Your People Are Out There—Promise
Whether you’re the solo-cup-holder at the party or someone else’s Instagram scroller, don’t lose sight of this truth: meaningful connections don’t come pre-assembled. Your tribe may not look like a cookie-cutter crew from a Netflix series (no one’s rocking a picture-perfect Central Perk couch IRL, anyway), but they’ll be yours.
So spend time in the spaces that make you feel most like you. Say yes to the invites that make you curious. And when you meet your people, hold on tight—because, trust me, there’s nothing in the world quite like finding them.
